MIL makes me sick.

Kudos to you Roopa! I liked your approach.

Our varied experiences and open sharing of those experiences is what makes this forum so rich and so helpful.

I am glad that Shanthi has so many approaches to try from. Shanthi, do keep us posted on your situation from time to time.

SS

 

Dear Ria & SS,

Thanks for those kind & encouraging words.

I have few different view points for keeping the childre or siblings with us if we have the right support from the family and means.

- security / safety and also they know that they are answerable to someone.
- savings - today in India the rent and other related expenses are so high in cities where IT/ITES is booming that for a starter savings becomes nil. whereas if you live with a relative you save a lot, which otherwise would be unnecessary expense.
- food is taken care of...otherwise they tend to eat outside and that adds to expenses and poor health.
- what if they fall sick
- moral support
- once they start to live independently, they tend to become arrogant or vie too much for personal space and sometimes then can't get along with the family. Also family values are inculcated if they live with a family.
- living alone can easily lead them towards vices....if they are with a family, somewhere at the back of the mind they have a fear of getting caught.

Today why do you think there is a threat to the globe....have you realised that we are unknowinly adding to all this:

Each one wants to live their own life, so they separate from the joint family. By doing this you are adding to the woes of the mother earth...by using

- extra space for the house
- extra electricity or rather all resources - electricity, water, fuel, etc.
- extra equipments
- in India extra maids / other help....its good you are giving them a job...but you can keep 2 maids even otherwise when in a joint family
- extra vehicles
- kids missing companionship...so couples opt for more kids...to whose needs sometimes they can't cater too, don't have enough time for them as they have to make 2 ends meet and work extra hours, which leads to kids going awary...etc. etc.
- stress / tension
- fights in the family - ego problems


I can go on and on...if we see there are more pros than cons of a joint family...if we can balance it. And again i am insisting that all this is coming thru experience and not just empty words.

If all human beings sit back and think, they will realise that what ever mentioned here is true.

My DH & I strongly beleive that whatever good deed done is always reqarded if not by humans then by god...the almighty never lets any deed good or bad go unrewarded.

Have a great week ahead...i think i've already given enough food for thought today as i don't want to call it a "bhashan" as this is the truth whether we could digest it or not...as it was not digestable to me as a teenager.

Warm regards
Roopa.

 

Dear Roopa,

I love the way you have balanced your family and work and kept your family members together.

However I think Joint family is a concept whose success depends on ALL the people involved in it. If any of the people involved do not contribute fully to it, it leads to more stress/tension than if people stayed separately.

1) Sometimes, men do not contribute to household work despite the fact that their wives might be carrying double load (working as well as looking after the house). E.g. in your house your BIL was sharing in the work. But there are several households where the BIL would not have done that. And if asked to, would have pitched a fit and then the in-laws would have gotten involved and there would have been tension between the husband and wife.

2) The new members in the household might have differing thoughts on how things should be done in the household. Leading to more disagreements and adding to mental tension.

3) Sometimes the additional members do not contribute to the expenses (I'm talking of moochers here). The grocery and milk bills specially shoot up when you have more people staying with you. With a limited salary and budget, not everybody can afford to feed people long term when the new additions to the household do not believe in pitching in financially.

4) Living alone - I think living alone can be very beneficial to a person as it teaches them self reliance, independence (I did not even know how to post my mail or pay my bills before), cooking ( as you get tired of eating outside food every day.. ), self introspection, decision making abilities, household managing abilities etc. In fact I think this is a rite of passage that everyone should go through.

I think family values are something that is inculcated as a child. You don't lose your family values when you start living alone after you are 25 or so...About arrogance -again, I do not think that there is any cause and effect here (that one stays alone -> one becomes arrogant). Personality traits like arrogance, temper, vanity etc are not things particular to staying alone. More to do with the person per se. In fact a lot of people who stay at home all their lives with their parents can also be amazingly hot tempered, stubborn and controlling, not to mention arrogant.

5) About using more/less resources - I think one can go back and forth on this forever. On one hand we talk of the growing economy - which includes the housing boom and the manufacturing boom (which in turn gives jobs to many). If we talk of conserving resources, then there are several more important ways to do it. Like recycling material. Like lessening carbon emissions. Enforcing environmental laws on polluting industries. Removing poverty (so many poor people take straight from the land in order to survive like cutting trees etc) which in turn can only be done by getting them involved in the economy (either jobs or business).

There is no black or white here. And there are no cut and dried solutions to these bigger problems that organizations like UN and other country governments deal with every day.

Just my 2 cents...

love,
Aarushi

 

hi lavanya
i can very well understand what u r going thru.i have a similiar or worse mother in law.she hates my 3 yr oldm n keeps telling other family member hope me n and my daughter die and many lies about me.i use 2 tell mu husband that she has been telling wrong things about me to others in his and my family members,but he never believed.then finally he heard the truth from those family members itself n now he is own my side thankfully.my mother had told other things like i hve and affair with my cousin,i scream at her,i dont take care of my daughter,my husband is gona dovorce me soon,my father is sceretly taking my gold wht he gve during my marriage back now etc etccc.she use 2 sceretly listen 2 my phone call thru extension,she wanted all what i had,she always came along with me n my husband went we go 4 dinner,shopping .i have overheard he talking ill about me 2 servants,she keeps complaing 2 my husband my making regularyy evry single day a phone call while he was at office at 5pm exactly 2 tell i did not smile at her ,i did not ask her 4 lucnh while i was having n much more.

so my advice is why not u make friend with the people to whom ur mil bitches about u often, and may be they can tell your husband the truth for u.anyways dont tell much about your mom in law to your husband,coz that wont help u much,be nice 2 mil in front of ur husband just like she odes,n give her the same attitude as she does wen he si not around,dont be scared of her.so if your mil tellsyour husband also tell u have know idea what she is talking about and soon may be when he hears ur mil complaing about u often he will realise what u have been telling is true that she doenst like u much.
anywas i hope things get sortyed out for you and your husband realises the truth soon.stay strong anywas.take care
jess

 

Lavanya,
Just a little pep talk. You are doing great by keeping your cool. Just keep at it. There is no better way to deal with the situation. As for your mil convincing your husband to buy stuff for her, try not to worry.

After reading your reply, I’d like to suggest one thing that I feel is extremely important and that we women should not belittle any at cost. It is,our health. Why did you do all the work when you were down with flu? You should absolutely not have done it. You could have ordered food from outside. You could’ve taken your hubby into confidence and told him that in spite of wanting to do the cooking and the house work you are just too weak to even get up, let alone do anything else. It was perfectly reasonable and justifiable for you to expect and get some rest and get some time away from managing the household. It is water under the bridge now but please do not do this ever again.

Of course, everyone needs to eat and work needs to be done but it does not, and should not, come at the cost of your health. Remember that when your health is good, you and everyone else around you gains from it but when your health goes down others eventually find alternatives to move on with their daily life but you are the only one that remains without an alternative. You cannot escape the suffering and the pain that you have to endure due to bad health. So please don’t take your health for granted.

We women have this natural tendency and unstoppable desire to go way over and beyond our capacity to make others feel comfortable thinking it is our “duty”. Sure it is, but at what cost? Definitely not at the cost of our health. And I don’t say this for just women but for anyone (including men). No one, regardless of gender, should ever take his or her health for granted. It just so happens that we women tend to ignore our health a lot more in the name of family duty and responsibility than men do. Being designated as the “lady of the house” it comes to us naturally. We must strongly curb this natural instinct to ignore our health.

I think you are holding up great Lavanya. Just keep your sanity and your well being in the forefront while saying anything or taking any action. You will sail through successfully. Of course there will be turmoil on the way but that is the natural way of life. It gives us challenges to make the journey memorable. Nothing in our life is permanent, least of all the bad times! So don’t worry and take it easy.
SS

 

Lavanya,

I completely agree with SS. Our health is important as much as others...and its normally we who take care of everyone in the house when they fall sick...so why ignore your health when you were down with flu.

Just don't get up and do the work as for food tell your husband to order or pick upon his way home from office....tell him that you just can't get up and stand straight.

Do everything that you can when you are hale and hearty...but don't stress out when you are sick. I used to do these mistakes when i got married....but later i saw that others will refrain from doing any house work even if they seeze twicebonk. So i thought better late than never....just stay put in bed when your body is not with you.

Roopa.

 

Hi Shanti,

Was just wondering how are things with you. Hope you are doing fine and enjoying with your daughter.

Warm regards
Roopa.