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Mil Extremely Depressed On Dh's Decision To Continue In Usa And Buy A House

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by delmed, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. delmed

    delmed Junior IL'ite

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    Hello friends,
    I got married to my husband while he was in USA. Now after having lived here for 10 years, he got a wonderful new job and we decided to also buy a house. Everything was going wonderfully. But when he told about new job to MIL she started saying she was not happy, and wanted DH to return to India (FIY: she always talks about him returning to India, not about 'us' and our 2 kids).
    Just for the record, my husband has one sister in India who lives next door to and helps his parents all the time, and one brother who lives here in US too.
    Then when he was showing her pictures of our new home, she went into a crazy rage, and started saying things like "This house is not of my choice, its of your wife's choice. I don't need to see your palace. First you said you will come back to India after residency, then you said after some years of working, and now you are buying a house, which means you will never come back. You married with your own wish (we had a love cum arranged marriage, and I was not a DIL of her choice), you do everything as you want, there is no wish of mine in this." She cried and shouted about it. When I later spoke to DH about this, my husband who is very innocent and mum is supreme for him, said he should never have come to USA. But at the same time, he does not want to go back now because of his career. I suggested to him that his parents were welcome to come and stay with us for 6 months every year (even though she is very difficult to tolerate for me because of her dominating, greedy, nature, and constant politics to cause fights between me and my husband). When my husband spoke next to her, he suggested that to her, but then she said she does not want to come live in our house, as I don't respect her, and talk properly (I try my best not to disrespect her in any way). This made DH even sadder, as now he thinks that I destroyed the middle path too, and there is no hope for the situation. But even so, he will never change his mind and go back to India.
    But what can I do about this situation? My husband becomes a "bheegi billi" in front of MIL. Will never say a word to try to even explain things to her. Just listens quietly, then feels sad about it. How can I stop MIL from constantly doing emotional blackmailing, and make DH miserable about choosing a good life and career?
    Also what do you make out from my MIL's reactions? I know for one, that she is very greedy, and always had dreams of her husband coming back to India and making a big "kothi"/bunglaw for her. And it seems like that is the one big thing that is pinching her. Also it seems she is very jealous of me, besides not liking me. She was always poor and a housewife, and has said to be in past how she wished she could have been educated and working too. It seems she feels very jealous of me being a smart independent working women. How can I make her feel better? However much I dislike her, I do care for her as she is my DH's mother. I wish she would settle down, accept the fact that his son is not returning, and come and live with us every now and then instead.
    Please comment and advice.
     
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  2. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    Seems like your MIL is jealous of the fact that her son has chosen a wife and is making a life for himself in the USA without her help/input. She is probably feeling insecure about her position in her son's life. I would stay out of it. I understand it's hard when your husband is being affected but this is one battle that you will not win. So stay out of it, don't get dragged into any argument about moving there or getting them to move here, you'll always be the bad guy.

    Have you guys thought about going to India for a vacation? Maybe if she spent some time with you and your kids, she'll soften her stance.
     
  3. delmed

    delmed Junior IL'ite

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    Hi Neerja,
    Thank for replying. We always go to India once a year for a month. Last time we went with our 1 and 4 year old daughters, she became very upset with me as I did not wash the utensils and do other house work (they don’t believe in keeping maids) (and I did do as much as I could while taking care of the little kids), to the extent of calling my mother and asking her to take me to her house, as I was not able to adjust and cooperate in their way of living.
    Whereas playing with the kids is concerned, she doesn’t do that. She always wanted a boy, and because I had two girls, she doesn’t take much interest. She stayed pretty aloof with me and the kids throughout our visit.


     
  4. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP - one thing you know that she is not going to change her nature.
    She is also a daughter to her patents.
    This is a scientific fact that if it will be a son or a daughter is decided by man’s part, woman only receives and grows it inside her. This is just nature.
    Just ignore her tantrums.
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You have done what you can. If your MIL still wants to sulk that's up to her. Let your husband handle the communication with her from now onwards. And consider yourself lucky a) your husband wants to stay in the US and b) that she is not insisting on parking herself at your house for half the year, so don't push the topic of visits.
    Enjoy your new home!
     
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  6. peddadas

    peddadas Platinum IL'ite

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    Two ways to handle this:

    One thing you have to make it clear to your husband is, It is NOT you who wanted to stay in the United States, moreover, it is NOT you who is not treating her well. Its always otherwise , as long as you can prove this to your husband, you can ignore her. You and your husband has to stay on one word, come what may, then it becomes obvious to your kids, and even if things go worse you and your husband can help each other emotionally.

    Second thing, you can always ignore anyone and react to this on a case by case basis. For this you need to be strong because relationships can be at stake.

    I hope things will settle down soon for you and you enjoy your new world!

    --PS
     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mrs. Bheegi Billi,
    Congratulations on the new home ! I am sorry your MIL suffers from jealousitis. There is no cure but atleast it is not contagious. So if I were you I would be a sherni and go shopping for the new home. The joy of owning your own home is priceless , don’t let mama cat take that away from you. Keep bheegi billi busy with installing blinds/ light bulbs/acoustics etc etc for the house. There’s plenty to do !
    Have you heard of “ pairo pe kulhadi maarna “? You are doing kulhadi pe pair with your six month invitation to mama cat. Let sleeping cats lie. Don’t mention it ever again.
     
  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    she is not missing her son. its all about money. his money gets locked in ur usa home.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    i am falling in love with ur awesome replies:thumbup::clap2::thumbup:
     
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    @Sandycandy Has got huge fan following !! :cheer:
     

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