Mil-dil

Great book and fantastic movie.

 

Hi, I am new to this forum and here to seek some help! While surfing I came across this forum...and thought of sharing my thoughts here -


Periamma - It is nice that you put all these points - I thank you on behalf of my mother...but, being a DIL, I oppose to some of your sayings...


I am a Maharashtrian girl with two elder brothers...my mother is housewife and is very strict...so, my father...my parents...they both are hardworking. Mother – 52 born, Father – 45 born and, still doing entire house chores along with taking care of my 7 yrs old nephew without help of any maid except for cleaning.


I have seen them struggling to nurture us in every aspect. My father worked in two shifts and my mother took the entire house responsibility along with her 3 kids’ education. We 3, never went to any coaching center but still was always top in our respective classes…completed our masters and earned good job.


I am the youngest and only daughter to my parents…but, my mother is so strict that I mastered not only in education but also in house chores. I follow all Maharashtrian rituals which sometimes my MIL also fails at!


On contrary, my both SILs (brother’s wife) – Elder one is B.com and the other one is B.Sc with DMLT course and is working…none could cook until they got married. None was aware of any rituals. None was able to handle any house chores.


My MIL – should be happy to have DIL – who is the best at house chores and also best in her professional career – Is able to find the perfect work life balance and giving love and respect to each and every family member.


What is the reality –


My parents side –


Being said that my mother strict, she really tried to keep it cool while dealing with my SILs…but, sometimes she lost her temper and gets busted…which sometimes is the reason for the fight. I have been witnessed to many such incidents and corrected my mother when I found her at guilt…


But, many times, I could clearly see that my SILs are at fault…but, since my brothers support their wives I couldn’t say or do anything except asking my parents to ignore and keep it cool…



My In-laws side –


Like my younger SIL, I also work…travel for around 4 hours a day and work around 8-10 hrs per day…and unlike her I try to do as much house chores as possible before I leave for the job. Once, I am back from office…I change and quickly run into the kitchen and try to help my MIL and younger SIL (husband’s younger brother’s wife (she is not working)).


I was new to this town…job was new…struggling to settle in this new house and new organization. I was trying my best to please my MIL, BIL and husband…by maintaining work life balance at the best…but, still I couldn’t please them…I failed to please them the reason was – I used to like exercising, running…I used to get up early in the morning, preparing tiffin and leaving for the gym and them from there to office…as I mentioned…after returning from office I used to do all household chores. MIL tried and succeeded to stop me from doing exercise – I was 52 kg then and now I am 62 kg…


What I feel bad for is – when my husband’s younger brother got married and his wife started going for walk daily for more than an hour and when I confronted my MIL that how is she allowing her (SIL) to go for walk…my MIL replied that “Everyone should be selfish when it is one’s health” – Do you think this is right?


When I clearly stated my disappointment on her such biased behavior…she went to my husband and created a drama that I am accusing her for her biased behavior whereas she is very honest and loves me and out of concern she stopped me from doing exercise. (as I was 52 kg that time...but, one must note that I was perfect and in ideal weight range (152 cms & 52 kg) whereas my SIL (husband's brother's wife) is just 42 kg and is underweight and severely weak (5.2 or 5.3 ft & 42 kg))


As a result, my husband busted at me…I really am very hurt with this behavior…


This is one example…there are many such incidences where she has manipulated her son…the only reason is that my husband doesn’t disobey her…


I have seen both sides of MIL and DIL…I have been victim too…and I have corrected my mother wherever she felt to be good sensible MIL…but, unfortunately, I do not have any support at my home where anyone could correct my MIL, BIL and his wife and my husband for their insensible behavior!


This is the truth…where nice people always have to suffer!

Disclaimer - With this post, I am not trying to hurt anyone's feeling - Yet, I would like to apologize if I hurt anyone's feeling...

 

I understand how you feel. Believe me when I say that because i have been there, done that! i.e feel sorry for myself and pointing out MIL's flaws. it's been a while though and over the years I have learn't what your MIL said is true!. YOu must be selfish when it comes to your needs. Do your duty but don't be a doormat.

You commute 2 hours, work outside and then help in-laws in the evening. You stopped gym when MIL asked you to. You taught them to treat you like a doormat. They now think you can be arm-twisted into doing everything. When you questioned her biased behaviour, she went and complained to your H and you became the villian.

Here is one word for you - TACT. Use tact in your dealings. No rude words. no accusations. Be the epitome of politeness. Watch her behaviour and modify your response accordingly.

For instance, If I were you in the Gym situation - I would not have stopped gym, in the first place. I would have said, it's important for me and I am going to continue. Say, I made the mistake you made - Stopped Gym. And then I see that she doesn't say anything for SIL's walks and she says everyone needs to be selfish when it comes to health. If I were you, I would have agreed with her emphatically and then started gym the next day. I get what I want and the added satisfaction of the look on her face would be priceless. Because she mentioned being selfish about health, just yesterday, she can't go back on her words.

Remember, you teach people how to treat you. No point in complaining how other people behave. that is not in your control. Your reaction is in your control. Focus on that.