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Mil Coming To The Us Is A Blessing Or Going To Be A Curse?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Jan 27, 2017.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is a vent come re-assurance thread-- please don't criticize me on how I see my MIL. Sorry to say this-- unless I see the change in her. I am not going to take any explanation on behalf of her.



    I think I know what to do in my situation-- but I am here for re assurance if I am doing the right thing.

    This May I have to be away from my DH for nearly 4 months, this is something I need to do to enhance my career.

    I have three options in my mind, please help me in what would be the right thing for me.


    Option 1- take my DS along with me to the new place ( northeast) and get settled and hire help. This could be done. Just that I am not confident of handling it. I am super afraid of doing everything with a child, coz with a child everything is unknown. I am not sure I will be able to focus on things with my DS being there with me.

    Option 2- Travel to India. Leave my son and fly back to the northeast and after 4 months head back pick up my DS and come home. If my mother was able to come to my DH suggested I could take up an apartment in the new place for 4 months and my mom can help me with the DS--- but my mother can't come to take care of my child.


    Option 3- Leave my child in my home and MIL will take care of him while I am gone. I am only thinking of leaving my child behind- as the weather would be very nice and my son doesn't really have to adjust to a new place, new people, new Pediatricians, new nanny and will also give me the time that I need to focus on work.

    Now, my MIL desperately wants to come. Just for the namesake, she is stating that she needs to take care of my son-- but the real reason is to spend 4 months alone time with my DH and her daughter without me in the house. Like everyone knows here that my DH is momma’s boy--- I am just not sure how things will go without me being in the house and MIL playing the mommy role for the grandkid and her son.

    1. For starters, she doesn't cook the healthiest meals. I am worried about how she will handle my son. We do a clean eating. We don't add things like mida, cookies or ice-creams. From everything I have known about MIL, she raised my DH and SIL on Maggi, cookies, cakes and sweets. She absolutely doesn't regret it and even says we all die so why don't we eat whatever we want.

    2. Second, she doesn't believe in having toddlers under a schedule. She doesn't adapt and calls her seniority to do things in her way.

    3. She is late 50’s but acts like the 80's. So, I know she won't watch my son and do the household.
    Basically, I don't want my MIL to come and stay when I am not at home. I think this will cause more problems for me in the future.


    What do you guys suggest that I do? Could my MIL coming is a blessing or going to be a curse?
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    How good is your H in taking care of your son? if you can rely on him, with your toddlers routines and spending time when kid is awake, then you may leave your son.

    But I feel you search for good daycare at your new place, and take your kid too. ask your H to come and stay for first 2 weeks there so that you can get used to the routine there. Your H can travel once in a month and help you bit.

    Relying on MIL who doesn't believe in routines and healthy food, and act like 80's she may not be able to keep an eye on your son. Is she coming before May? then you can observe her and decide.
     
  3. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    Even if you take your son along, what is the guarantee mom wont come to 'take care' of son? So I suggest you do whatever is good for your kid..
     
  4. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Loosen up a bit. If she is affectionate to your son, then why not? Your DH and SIL can manage themselves but your son is going to need a constant looking after.. (I have not read your previous posts .. I dont know how old is your son)

    Also, while raising the kids, we should definitely look after their nutrition. But you can cut some slack in terms of having non-nutritional items. Kids should eat everything and should be able to digest everything. Else, he will have major adjustment problems when he moves to college/hostel/different work place.

    Let him spend time with different people. It will help in his development.
     
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  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Kashmir for your input- my DH is clueless about my DS schedule.
    My DH has an extremely competitive work life. After 8-5 many times he comes home and works till 2-3 am. Can't really expect him to come for 2 weeks. He wants me to handle everything outside of his work.

    At the most the help that I get from DH is morning milk for my DS to be placed in the milk warmer.

    We are still thinking about all the options- my DH has given me full flexibility on the things that I would choose. MIL will come ONLY if I ask her to come. She too is flexible about the dates. We havent booked the tickets yet.

    My DS is almost 16 months and in 2 more months he will be 18 not to be freaked out- there is the big 18-month regression that I read about. Where children don't like new things or not the best time to train them or inculcate new things in their life. Soooo kinda worried about it too.

    I will insist on clean eating- but its crazy that she puts maida in chappati flour and calls it healthy.

    I was also thinking of enrolling DS in a full-time daycare with MIL- so she won't be stressed out about cooking and running behind DS. DS is full-fledged walking, running, playing with pets, exploring the nook and corner of the house.

    I was 70% made up my mind to go to India leave my DS and pick him up again. But with the political environment being so unstable--- not sure that is the best way to go.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2017
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  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm I am sure that won't happen.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2017
  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, that's what my mom told me too. I need to ease up a bit in this regard and let grandmom be engaged.
    That's why this post because I want to make sure I am not hurting my MIL or getting myself into trouble later on.

    I would love my MIL to come but again dont want my relationship with DH to be messed up coz of her.

    I purely enjoyed grandparents love when I was growing up.I absolutely don't want to restrict it for my DS.

    Again I am a bit worried about my relationship with DH when he is left with my MIL. Maybe MIL and DH will be ok or may end up having fights. But this is the unknown I don't want to take a chance with.

    Secondly- the food factor- Last time MIL visited she doesnt cook any veggies- she does so many savory murku snacks. DH forced himself to eat all her food and was complaining about how unhealthy the food were in private. At least DH can complain but DS is still 16-month-old-- he won't be able to complain.

    To be really honest my MIL is kinda easy going comparatively (to most MIL's- doesnt hover over our lives) But she and I come from different states and culturally we are different. Loads of misunderstanding because of that. The problem is with my DH. He is so duty bound and has severe complexities when it come to following everything his mom says. That every word uttered is dutifully followed. So leaving my DH alone with MIL is something I am carefully considering.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2017
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    When you are starting a new job, don't you need to give it some time? You will be busy trying to get your foot in the door. You have the added stress of being in a brand new place with not much support system. Why take the toddler with you and look for child care and other associated stuff as well? Stay by yourself, take the time for your career and concentrate on making a good first impression.

    Let your son stay with his Dad and GM where you already have a system in place for him.
    As long as he is healthy and happy, why worry about how he is being taken care of? Leave all the logistics to the hubby. Let him deal with nutrition and other nitty gritty details.

    At 18 months, when toddlers go through the phase of starving themselves, we were happy if the kids ate something. Don't worry too much about all the veggies he's not eating or the routine that he has. Once he starts pre school, his life is going to be full of routines. Let him have fun with GM. Nobody will do what you want the way you want. Even my mom wouldn't do things as per my liking when she has my kids. It's understood that they will do what they please when kids are with GPs. I get to straighten them out and play hitler :)

    Regarding watching him all day long, it's going to be very hard for a grandMother to keep up with an energetic tot. You can look into a nanny or a part time day care now. That way, GM is around for the little one but isn't the primary care giver all day long.
    Oh and your DH and his mom - let him deal with it. If he doesn't say anything and follows through with whatever she says, it's his problem. Don't make it your issue. As long as you don't have any major issues with her, don't get involved in any mom/son drama.
     
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  9. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    You know the answer, but you are running behind other probable possibilities.
    Ur kid is very small. Unless you have a reliable person, you will not b able to concentrate on ur career. At the same time, ur H also will not be able to concentrate. So, take ur kid with you. All you have to do, is to find a good daycare. I am sure, that ur H will visit frequently as he will miss u both. This headache will b much better than what ur MIL-DH give. Even if u leave ur kid with mil, 4 months later u will spend more time in getting him back to schedule. In USA, its imp to stick to routine / schedule for a less bumpy ride. Also while u r away, how will ur H plan to have healthy meals?

    If u r paranoid of whole thing, move to the new place in march or april with ur kid, see if u can manage. If not , call ur MIL
     
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  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Who is taking care of your LO now? Is he currently in any day care?
    If you are only going to go there for 4 months, choose wisely. My suggestion is put your child first , yourself second and DH third in terms of priority.
     
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