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mil & baby shower issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lavii, May 10, 2010.

  1. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i am here with a small problem need help on how to proceed
    in one of my posts i explained my baby shower has to be done at my mils place and she dont want my mom to come( its less than an year my dad passed away)
    so i have not been showing intrest and anyone who asked me about the function i used to say we may do it in 9th month
    now a couple of days back when i went to my mils place one of my inquisite neighbour asked same question and i said may be in 9th month as my relatives will be there because dads 1 year death cermony will come during same time and my mil was there when i said this......
    next day my dh asked me it was unfair i dint inform my mil that we are planning in 9th month and dint even say this to her for courtesy..but actually in my mind i thought of skipping this function as my mom herslef was not allowed so just to answer that lady i had to say so...
    now yesterday when i went to my in laws place a couple of aunties were nearby who called me and asked how r u etc and back to same question and i said may bee soon in 9th month
    today as soon as i came to office my husband called me and said i dono what you talked to thos neighbours itseems they called my mom and said as you are not doing function we will do it to the gal by shareing money..my mom is upset because of you.
    i dono what to say or do my husband knows my intentions clearly
    should i have talked to my mil about this
    is it too late to discuss
     
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  2. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Lavii,

    Miscommunication happens. It is how we recommunicate matters. If I were you, I will first explain my DH about what had happened. Once he is convinced, I will again let my DH decide how I (we) should set things right with his mom. It could be you going and explaining to MIL or you both or DH alone - left to the best discretion of DH is what I would prefer.

    If your MIL is of the type who can listen to you, it would make a difference if you can explain her softly your true intention. All this in the presence of DH or atleast to the knowledge of DH.

    Whatever it is, holding your patience and tongue would be the wise thing to do. Do not stress yourself too much at this time.. Take care of your mind and the baby.

    And I am sorry about your father.. and the 'customs' that put undue restrictions like it did on your mom attending your baby shower..
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    lavii, I shall reiteriate the option I gave last time, treat your mil's function as an independent entity and enjoy another at your home with your mom and colleagues. As far as the functions I knew the gal celebrates 7th mnth at inlaws home and then someone comes to pick her from her parents' side for delivery at mom's place but all cases have twists and turns.

    If you want to reach a no-recovery route then insist on your stand to force invite your mom to that ceremony get her ill-treated by few dumb headed ladies.

    You'd been living with mom all this while, just donate one day to inlaws side for their function and finish it off before it becomes a big ego hassel for a battleground.. am sure you'd like your child to be equally hugged by both the families.. pls do a balancing task and leave aside your ego and stand. Once you look behind it'll be a trivial issue.

    God bharai is a very important occassion to seek blessings for the baby yet to come, pls dont deprive the baby for ego hassels of both side. Curses are bad when they come from family member, as far as possible avoid this one.
     
  4. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Sweetie,
    First thing you shouldn't be taking stress about all these issues as you are pregnant. I know its easy to say than do but still. And don't put your mom out of the function in any case. She is already in a lot of pain let her share the happy moments.
    For the happenings yes you should have discussed the dates with MIL and even without that for the neighbours you can simply reply to them as we haven't fixed a date and we'll sure invite you once we do. This would shut them up. I don't understand why these neighbours and relatives are more worried about all our matters than us? Its obvious your MIL got irritated by that kind of comments from the ladies.
    Now you can talk to your MIL and mom and DH and fix a date which doesn't discriminate anyone. If you feel they are understanding enough to talk things out then discuss otherwise just leave what happened and plan for upcoming events.
    Take care
    Vaidehi
     
  5. Cindhuja

    Cindhuja Gold IL'ite

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    Hi lavii,

    Itz hard to digest..but dear it is not the time to worry or stress yourselves..This is a very important function which you cannot neglect that easily.And that too being your first kid please don't trouble yourselves nor the little one.We should always be in the good books of everyone during this peiod dear.

    Yes i understand gettign involved a beautiful function without your parents isn't that easy, but you have to. Tolerate this and get this done as per your inlaws and hubby's wish.

    But be clear with onething.Talk to your husband and get him cleared that wat was intention while talking with your neighbours and how you feel offended to keep your mom away from thsi function.

    By this i dont mean you to fight with him or argue with him..but deliver what is in your mind.

    take care of your health..Dont stress or strain..Eat healthy and face life as it is.All the best :thumbsup
     
  6. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    ladies thanks for suggestions
    i tried my best last time to get some info from my mil directly rather than through dh
    and when i started this topic about baby shower and what we have to prepare she said anyways you and your family wont respect or follow our idealogy so i dont want to pain my throat by saying when i said its not like that and she can say freely she just walked away
    i dono how she behaves now
    i mean all the neighbours know my mil never visited my place or talked to my mom after dads demise and they know how she treats me but i dint expect this misunderstanding to come because of them
     
  7. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Its so bad she behaves like this during your pregnancy. Then why don't you talk to your DH and decide? Let him talk to his mom.
    Otherwise plan one at your mom's place and invite them. If she joins welcome or enjoy it with your baby and family.
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    lavii,
    she said anyways you and your family wont respect or follow our idealogy so i dont want to pain my throat by saying when i said its not like that and she can say freely she just walked away
    i dono how she behaves now


    This time pls leave it to your DH, to let you know when is the function and what all you're expected to do. Let DH interact with his mom.
    Tell him you want to attend the function... and there are no such intentions as posted by neighbours.

    Dont take stress.. preserve all energies for the labour room, its easier to deliver when a supporting DH is holding your hand. To win some, you need to loose some, there's no free lunch.
     
  9. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Vaidehi
    our side both mom side and in laws side would do it
    at my home i am a single child and as dad passed away mom has to rely on relatives who come home to do it..but that has to be organised when the relatives want and most of them agreed coming in 9th month so they can do this cermony and can attend dads cermony also

    i dont have problem in asking her again about this but with last time exp i have i am a lil hesitant on asking her again ..now a days minute things are making me cry so i dono if i can be stable if she behaves this way
     
  10. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    shilpama
    yes today when he said what happened
    i asked him why dont u deal with this issue smoothely
    you talk to your mom and tell me
    and he said even during marriage just because its love marriage you and your dad used to talk to me than my parents(his mom was not talking ) and once again he says don’t repeat history and this time I don’t want any misunderstandings
     

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