Matrimonial search-Quo vadis?

Dear Friends,

Whatever may be their caste or religion, the suitable partner for a girl or boy has to be found out after they attain a certain age. If this is done by the girl or the boy themselves then we call it a love marriage. If this search is done by the elders of the families of the girl and the boy we would call it ,arranged marriage. Whatever may the category of search done, there are some very important aspects which are involved. They are caste/sub caste , age, qualification, beauty, capacity for earning, profession, family back ground , adjustability with others, sense of humour and so on. In the arranged marriages , the matching of horoscopes also have an important role to play. I would be discussing briefly my thoughts on each of these aspects in this thread. I request young and old friends of this forum to join in the discussion and contribute their view point , so that misunderstandings are cleared.

Caste/sub caste
In arranged marriages partner from other castes are never searched. Same sub caste is also considered as important. Apart from sheer orthodoxy, the possible reasons for this may be because the elders feel that the boy or a girl need not make a thorough change of her food habits, beliefs and domestic style of living, In love marriages also caste plays a minor role. The boy or the girl feel that the impediments for finalizing the marriage would be much less , if their searched partner belongs to the same caste. But since they are young and ever prepared for change, they do not consider it as the most important. This seems to be right because decisions in such cases are taken by the girl and the boy together and it is believed that they would have discussed about mutual adjustment to each others habits and taste. But this does not happen when the boy or girl are very young and the need for a partner with a certain type of personality , without thinking of any other aspect is in their mind.
Ramachander

 

Dear FRiends,
Whatever may their caste or religion, the suitable partner for a girl or boy has to be found out after they attain a certain age. If this is done by the girl or the boy themselves then we call it a love marriage. If this search is done by the elders of the families of the girl and the boy we would call it arranged marriage. Whatever may the category of search done there are some very important aspects which are involved. They are caste/sub caste, age, qualification, beauty, capacity for earning, profession, family back ground, adjustability with others, and sense of humour and so on. In the arranged marriages, the matching of horoscopes also has an important role to play. I would be discussing briefly my thoughts on each of these aspects in this thread. I requests young and old friends of this forum to join in the discussion, so that misunderstandings are cleared.
Caste/sub caste
In arranged marriages partner from other castes are never searched. Same sub caste is also considered as important. Apart from sheer orthodoxy, the possible reasons for this may be because the elders feel that the boy or a girl need not make a thorough change of her food habits, beliefs and domestic style of living, in love marriages also caste plays a minor role. The boy or the girl feels that the impediments for finalizing the marriage would be much less, if their searched partner belongs to the same caste. But since they are young and ever prepared for change, they do not consider it as the most important. This seems to be right because decisions in such cases are taken by the girl and the boy together and it is believed that they would have discussed about mutual adjustment to each others habits and taste. But this does not happen when the boy or girl is very young and the need for a partner with a certain type of personality, without thinking of any other aspect is in their mind.
Age
It was and is a common practice in India for the husband to be older than the wife. But this is not so in the west. Great prophets are mentioned to have married woman older than them. In Olden days the age difference between the wife and husband was anything above 6-7 years. This mainly happened, because the boys preferred to marry once they have settled down and girls as soon as they complete their studies. A man used to get income to look after a family only when he is around 30 years. The Girl who rarely studied beyond S.S.L.C was available for marriage around 18 years. Both boys and girls never considered this as a serious problem. There is also a view that the sexual life of a man extends till he is beyond 60 and that of woman comes nearly to an end after she crosses 50. So it was thought that a difference of 10 years was a must. Besides The wives always considered their husbands as people to be loved, respected and worshipped.
In modern days things have changed a lot. A girl also studies and wants to stand on her own leg before marriage. She wants a husband to love, share her thoughts and enjoy life together. For this purpose she feels that the husbands should be almost of the same age as she is. A funny dichotomy takes place because. A boy even today gets settled when he is between 25-28 years and the same holds true of the girl. So the girls who also want to settle down before marriage is ready for marriage almost in the same age. With reasonable expectation of the couples to enjoy life alone together, the age when a woman becomes a mother is around 30.
Qualification
As I had mentioned earlier both the girl and the boy get well qualified before marriage and also get employed. Present day girls feel that their husbands should be having same qualification as they are or they should be better qualified. Boys somehow seem to prefer girls who are slightly less qualified than them but most of them insist that they should be either employed or have a qualification which will easily land them in employment. In the search for a suitable partner, this aspect is causing lot of hurdles because of this feeling.
Height
In the olden days it was always thought that the husband should be taller than his wife. The average height of Indians in General has gone up these days. While 180 Cm tall boys were a rarity in the olden days they are very common nowadays. They normally look for girls about 6-10 cms less tall than them. This creates a major problem for girls who are very short or very tall. Here we are reminded about the tall Super star who has a short wife.
Beauty
Ofcourse every boy and girl wants a wife or husband who is pretty or handsome regardless of whether they are pretty or handsome. Since there are no commonly accepted standards of beauty except the white colour for boys and girls, this has become a major stumbling block in the matrimonial search. Colour creates lot of problems in South India, where the percentage of white people are less and black and brown people are more. There is a terrific demand for boys and girls who are white in the matrimonial search of both types-arranged and love marriages.
Profession and Income
Naturally all girls want to marry a soft ware engineer or a financial adviser or management graduate from IIM, because these groups of people get large income. All other engineers, doctors, M.B.A s from normal colleges etc find it very difficult to get first preference votes of their ideal girls. People doing other Jobs like business, priest etc find it almost impossible to get married and get married to whosoever agrees to marry them. Apart from this, most of the girls are now employed and one of the conditions they put is that, their future husband should earn more than them. Boys on their part prefer to have an employed wife.
Family background
This was one of the very important criteria for finding out the eligibility of the boy or girl in the olden day’s .Now our youngsters have given it a decent burial. Truthfully they argue that they are not going to marry the family but the individual. If the individual is to their liking, then they need not bother about the family. I cases of ill treatment by the spouses or bad habits like drinking etc, now they do not have the family to fall back to. Of course, they do not mind divorces.

Social parameters
Fortunately some importance is given even now for good behavior absence o bad habits etc .But both in love marriages and in arranged marriages, the boys and girls come very heavily made up as people with excellent habits. Once the make up is removed, the other partner is simply horrified. I believe that this is one of the important reasons for divorces.
Dowry
Though the well meaning government has abolished dowry, it is very much there in most of the castes and groups.
Astrology
Poor astrologers are blamed for telling the parents about non matching of horoscopes. They are only telling them what is written in the books. They never tell the parents that they should believe in astrology. A situation is fast coming where the boy’s parents will write to the girl’s parent that horoscopes are matching and vice versa. Because of this more and more people are getting married without ever, really examining their horoscopes. Another problem is that astrologers differ among themselves in the verdict they give. This naturally leads to lot of confusion. Also with the advent of computers there are several unscrupulous astrologers who can make minor adjustment in date and time of birth and make the horoscopes match.
Mechanism of search
In the olden times, most of the arranged marriages took place within known families. With the migration of our people all over the world, and cutting away the familial bonds, the search for a suitable bride or groom has become extremely difficult. Many castes and communities have a paid go between (broker) who does the search. Advertisements in news papers and internet have become very common. With this also has started the habit of giving wrong particulars in the advertisements. People get cheated because of this. Slowly private detectives who do verification of the profile and character have started their business.
This problem is not there in love marriages. Here the boys and girls themselves do the search and find the person whom they love .Here also people do get deceived because many times a wrong projection is given about the boy and the girl.

P.R.Ramachander