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marrying against parents wishes

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by saipavani123, May 13, 2010.

  1. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]Recently I have seen some threads where many ladies marry against parents wishes. I know some people in my circle too. Does it effect them sometime later?? I mean does getting approval of parents in a love marriage provides mental support of for a girl after her marriage or mental support is nothing and girls should learn to live up to their decisions and stop expecting that parents could come for help if something goes wrong later??

    Like during courtship period blame it on hormones or whatever everything seems rosy and boy friend(future DH) takes extreme care...showers lot of love ...and that moment everything seems rosy and girls (might) think that it will be the same for them for entire life see only the positive side of DH (not all....I know some girls think practically) and marry them. After marriage people face the reality. Sometimes in-laws don't treat her well... so she finds it difficult to adjust to new caste/culture/religion etc etc. Then starts the trouble !!! Actually is it like their DH was always and will always be son of his parents and just due to rush of hormones for little period of time he gave more importance to his girl friend /wife(he intends to give equal importance to gf/wife and his parents....but gets sandwiched ultimately) . I don't say this happens everytime. Many ladies lead a very good life too at in-laws place.

    What would you do/did/would have done if parents don't agree?? Get approval of parents and marry or go against their wishes ?? Both cases assume "you feel the guy is right for you" .

    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2010
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    my dad was against marriage but finally agreed not wholeheartedly
    and till date i repent
    after marriage had small issues with in laws but there was no way i could say it to anyone ..since childhood i never share personal things with anyone except parents being a single child
    and anything i say about in laws my dh was never ready to agree and always defensive which made me go bad and ended up with Indusladies and started discussing issues
    though we ended up with marriage my dad was never happy about it and all wedding was not great at all with hard feelings of dad( he dint show it up) but was clear
     
  3. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Pavani,

    As you all know, I am waiting for my guy.

    I really want both our parents to smile on the wedding picture. That is why I waited all these years and am still waiting for the day.

    My parents trusted my guy the day when he came and spoke to my parents about our love with lot of guts. He promised my mom that he would take care of me but said it would take time for him to settle in life and think about marriage. Just for that word, she immediately said YES. My mom loves her career so much and she wanted one such Son-in-law who is so focussed on his career.

    But I didn't expect the same from my future in-laws. I never once forced him to talk to them about our love or marriage even when my situation was critical. Before few months, after proving his parents that he can handle his life in a better way, he opened the topic and they accepted me too.

    I feel parents disagree to love for the following reasons:

    1. When the Son-in-law or Daughter-in-law is not up to their expectations. Or if they are not good. Parents strive hard to stop the marriage.
    2. Do not trust their own daughter/son's decision. Still we are all kids to our parents. This is easy to handle and you can achieve it with patience. This happened in our case.
    3. Mere EGO. I know better than you attitude where you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for simple ego problem.
    4. Caste/Money/Societal status - all these reasons are utter stupid and I would also prefer a register marriage in such case. Such parents will never understand your love.

    Decision should be made depending on your case. End of the day, you should be happy. That is what lovable parents expect from you. :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Prettina

    Prettina Gold IL'ite

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    Hi pavani
    I never dared such a step in life going against my parents or convincing them..
    I knew they will never accept the fact...i also knew they can convince me easily showing their love and sacrifice as I am sensitive..
    So never dared to fall in love...
    I cant withstand parents heartbreak or crisis to me in life..
    Wanted to make it peaceful by Gods grace..
    So waiting for Gods right time and right person to get married:thumbsup..
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I went against my parents to marry my husband. In fact nobody from my family came for the wedding.

    I'm not sure what 'mental support' parents can provide to their married daughter, or how exactly they could fix a daughter's failing marriage, whether they arranged it or not. For example, if my husband is an abuser, or a cheater, or a drunkard... how in the world would MY family be able to stop him, just because THEY picked him in an arranged marriage? Just because parents pick their child's spouse, doesn't mean they will be able to control that spouse down the line if there are problems.

    I like the idea of falling in love and then working to keep the love alive... rather than take a chance at falling in love AFTER marriage, with the possibility that love may never develop. For me personally, I want more than just love and friendship in a spouse, I want passion.

    5 years after meeting, me and hubby are still 'in love'. So, I think in many cases, a love marriage is more than just a 'rush of hormones' as you call it. And personally, I like that rush. I like the attraction and passion I feel towards my hubby. I also don't believe in equal importance or a husband being sandwiched between his wife and parents. Why? Because it shouldn't be a contest. I'm # 1, the most important, the be all to end all. And if my husband wasn't on board with that, I wouldn't have married him. If he wants to make a sandwhich with his parents, he can go find another girl to play the ham and cheese. I think finding a husband who is supportive and knows his priorities is a big part of making a love marriage succeed. There is no point in marrying a guy who thinks "I have gone against my parents once to marry you, now you must suffer to make them happy at any cost".

    When you go for a love marriage, you have to be willing to adjust your expectations (i.e. the wedding you always dreamed of might turn into a court house/temple wedding and your big happy family dream may turn into WWIII nightmare). You have to accept that not everybody in your dh's family will like you. You have to have a tough skin and be able to take hurtful words and brush them off. The biggest sacrifice for me was, I love family gatherings and wanted inlaws who loved me, and that dream burst when I married my dh and got the inlaws I have. But I can't complain, because I knew they wanted my dh's ex wife back (the rajasthani maharani :bonk).... and I knew I was not the ex wife.... so it was obvious that I would NOT be welcome in the family. So, I have had to change my definition of what family means, and now I simply look forward to having kids and building up our own family and making new memories and creating new traditions.

    Of course ideally, it would be great for the bride and groom to get their parents approval. But personally, I wasn't going to let 'approval' or the threat of no 'blessings' end my relationship with dh.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]
    Its normal for daughters to share their mental worries with mother's(exceptions do exist) ..... mental support in the sense....lending a ear to help her vent out her problems(be it marital or anything)...giving advice when she is seeking one ....that's the mental support I was saying and I am not talking about arranged marriage here. Its about love marriage with/without parents consent. :) or say what would you do if your parents did not agree .

    Personally I would have not married DH without parents consent or married someone else leaving my DH..I would rather remain un-married till parents agreed (Sounds like saint :tongue huh ??) . I somehow felt parents should be smiling in my wedding album. This is completely personal opinion...but I felt they've done soooooo much for me...and I should not leave them for DH... Even my DH wanted parents approval before we got married. So When I introduced my DH to my mom and dad....(our caste was same...that was pure luck...even our gotram was same..that was -ve point...people in same gotram are considered brothers and sisters so they are not supposed to marry ...and parents family is orthodox :-() they initially at the first go did not approve right away but asked for logical explanation why I chose this guy or how will I be happy with him. I explained and they agreed...whole process took about 1-2 months.... But now my parents love their son-in-law

    This is completely personal opinion...I do agree there are girls who marry their DH without consent of their parents under unavoidable circumstances
    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2010
  7. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    double posted
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2010
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    My family likes my dh now too. However, I am still unliked on my dh's side. :)
    You said your whole 'getting acceptance' took 1-2 months. As in, at most, 60 days. In the singles forum there's been a lady waiting half a decade, as in almost 2000 days. Would you have waited until the age of 40, even knowing it could mean you'll never have kids? Would you have waited until 50 knowing you'll look like a grandma in your wedding album? Would you have waited until 80 knowing that any day your lover could die and you'd never have been married to him? My point is, eventually you would have had to make a tough choice had your parent's not come around. And that can happen. Look at my case, 5 years later... inlaws still against us! I'm sure I can check back here in 10 years and still write.... inlaws still against us! :rotfl
     
  9. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    There are problems that can happen in Arranged Marriage or Love Marriage. It is how you handle AFTER the marriage which may be more important than the mode of the marriage itself.

    Anyway - find out WHY the parents are against it, and discuss with them. If the only reasons are Ego, Caste/Status/Money then I dont think they are very valid reasons (They maybe, have the discussion). If there are other reasons, take that into account.

    Final decision lies with the two people deciding to marry.
     
  10. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    yeah you are right :) . If there are ego/caste/money issues might be children can discuss with parents.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2010

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