Married Life- Life I Didn't See It Coming

Hello Ladies,

Hope this tread finds everyone well.

The reason i am posting here today is, i feel i am at place in life where my mind has stopped working and not sure what to do next.

Just a little intro about my relationship with my husband. Ours is a love marriage. No In laws issues. we both are well qualified and in good positions career wise as well. I know my husband loves me and he is the love of my life. Married for last 6 years and known him since 12 years. He has never asked me a penny of mine. Always kept me like a princess. My husband is a genuinely nice and a gentle person by heart. He is very hardworking, goal oriented and focussed person. Never ever spoken rudely to me since i have known him.

With that being said, i am having an issue, I am 32 year old woman. No kids yet and trying to conceive. My problem is as a couple we are not able to balance out married and work life. Sounds simple to implement, but trust me- i have got depressed over it now. He has turned into a workaholic. the only celebrations we have is our promotions/ pay increase. He has grown in to a very high level in a very reputed company and so did I. But now i am getting a feeling of emptiness. I have always wanted to have a cozy family where we have some level of work life balance. I grew in my career just i had to keep up with him. But i do not love my job. Now i got to a point where i hate it.

My managers are very nice to me, they treat me like a daughter and have always looked into my well being. At one point, it became my office priority to get me near to my husband. When i first took job with my company, i had just got married and and we both were together. But as soon as we got married my husband got urge to earn more so that we (when we have kids)could have a comfortable life. He has this idea of retirement in his mind where he sees all kids graduated from best schools, and we having a bunch of money in our accounts to live life happily in our 70's. (With the way life is going I do not think i will make it even 50!!) He moved to different states while i was working at my company and visited me every weekend . Then he landed a full time job with a very high salary, and my company was good enough that they let me work remote full time so that i could join him. I understood what he wanted, and supported him in his dreams. Then he got a big promotion and that got him moving to places, japan, india, europe.We have no weekends, no holidays nothing all the time he is working. I sometimes feel that he thinks that company is running just because of him.

Whenever i ask what is that we are doing, he says this is for our future. But i am really sick of it. Whenever he is with me (Once a week) he spends 100% of his time with me. But i want more than a day in a week. Seems even after our 6 years of marriage our honeymoon period is not over. He is in the office almost 16-18 hrs a day with production issues, managerial issues and what not. I feel him , i hear him. i feel bad for picking up a fight then, as i have also worked in the pressured environments. i put myself in his shoes and keep quite. But now i feel i am turning into a volcano. now everytime, i call i pick up a fight. and hence the frequency of our calls has also reduced.

i am very scared that this relationship will turn to a very bitter one pretty soon. we have no friends and i am getting very lonely. I don't feel like doing another activity even if i do- i am not 100% in it. My heart is not happy. Nothing is working out kids, married life being like this, hating my job. I do not want to take up a new job at all. I am craving for family time. I have decided to go to India, for six months. I want to see what will happen. I want to be with my family, my mom is a very strong person, she would hate me for leaving my ground and coming home like helpless. but i have no other go. I do not want to stay away from husband alone, nor i do not want go to my mom because, i know she won't be happy with me sitting idle(meaning not being financially independent) at home and away from my husband. She will support me, but again in the back of my mind i am adding stress to her.

I have no doubt in my mind that i love him and he loves me.But i just want more of him. I am very understanding person by nature.i would have been on his side if he had some time for me.i feel me being patient and understanding has not helped me, instead it came to bite me.

thank you for reading through this long thread. but i am wondering, what would you do if you were in my shoes. I keep thinking what i should have done differently or what would you do if you were in my place.

 

Thank you mam, for such a detailed reply. I really appreciate you helping me here. All are such valid points.

Little more details to the points that you suggested.

1) i used to love my job a lot before i got married. But this long distant relationship has got to me. Even though i do my job, back of my mind there is always that my husband is not with me, and that my relationship is not successful in terms of regular standards of marriage. I have some women colleagues , who taunt me, saying what are going to do with all this success in your career, if your husband is not near you. I to some level feel that they are somewhat jealous of my success,but i get pinned quite often with these questions. OMG ... sometimes women are too rude.

2) Regarding having joint activities, its like we are never at one place together. He has a traveling job. Added to my headaches. If he is near by (Even at four hour driving distance he comes home to me)

3) OMG you nailed it here. You put it exactly in words, what i was feeling. Thats what i am feeling. I do not have resentment towards my husband but towards his job. the problem is i somewhat understand why he is doing it, but i do not like what he is doing. I am not clinically depressed, but it would not hurt to check them out. I will check someone out when i got to india. i have a feeling that the therapists here will not get the complete background or indian marriage mindset. i know i am assuming regarding the therapist, here without even trying out. I and my husband have a very open conversation. He exactly knows what i feel and he acknowledges it, and he says he is doing a mistake and will make more time for me. But i feel, for him it means taking a low paying job. His company pays a ridiculous amount of salary and bonus. Cannot beat it anywhere in the market. And he is not ready to let go for me. Sometimes i feel like i am crazy, with this trying too much to understand him, and putting my wants on the backseat. And i feel I am loosing my identity somewhere in the process. I also think that - am i that weak, to get flustered over a relationship.But looks like this is my breaking point, and it is sometimes ok to feel weak. Its just the matter of trying to stand after the fall.


4) Yes i also think india trip will help me not sure of the relationship, but for sure ME. I am planning to visit Nepal during my visit to India. I have always dreamt of seeing Mount Everest, and the waking up in the morning in the mountain ranges. I was never able to achieve it so far as i have had only two weeks vacation.I am looking forward to this trip to India, even though he is against it.

The reason i posted to this forum was, i wanted an unbiased analysis of my situation, and this helped. Heart felt thank you.

 

Thank you for your reply mam. Tried that, He hates surprises . I am sure if i plan something like that we will loose our deposits as well. I may getaway with a day, but a week's stretch i am sure he will get mad at me
We have a travel goals, like the countries to visit, things to see. He has promised to check them all off the list. But the thing is it has its own pace. i just have to wait patiently, it could be a month, 6 months or an year. he did check some off and they are most memorable ones. He takes care of things during so nicely. He will drive 20-30 miles trying to find an indian restaurant for me knowing that i like to eat indian even on travel. And i know, if am patient and calm to gethrough this situation, he will check all off the list.

We are in the fertility treatment process, but 2 attempts failed. I am scared to death to do a third one. I will do but after a break may be. This has also taken a toll on me.

 

Yes, I agree.