Married Daughters Responsibility As Parents Caregivers? Dil's Responsibility To Care For Ils ?

gamma50g · Apr 4, 2024

My basic questions are -

1. Does a daughter's responsibility towards her parent's care end the day she gets married? I'm not talking about financial support. I'm referring to caring for parent(s) when they become old, sometimes unable to live alone by themselves. Is a daughter equally responsible as a son is to care for her parent(s) even after she married?

2. Is it a daughter-in-law's responsibility to care for her in-laws (again referring to non financial aspects)? If a husband claims to not have time, and to subscribe to the view that it's a son and DILs duty to take care of his parens and if the other child is married (daughter) , is within the same country and shares the same view, is it the duty of a non-working DIL to care for her in laws who are both alive, young and in good health?

By care I mean taking care of their needs like driving them for doctor appointments, buying groceries and medicines for them, making calls and taking appointments for them and even giving up the DIL'S kitchen rights completely so that ILs can cook what they want how they like.

If such ILs themselves say they won't ask their son for xyz because he is busy with work and they will only ask the non-working DIL, are they correct in doing so?

3. If the ILs are old and unable to care for themselves, and if their son and daughter are in the same country but busy with work, does the burden of care still fall on the non-working DIL?

To what extent is it reasonable to care for such ILs as a DIL?

senorita2019 · Apr 4, 2024

Everything depends on the willingness and the love/affection the DIL has on the ILs. Lot of women initially fight with ILs but as time goes by and they age DILs forgive and forget and take care of them.

Forcing the DIL to do is not going to work for long.

Rihana · Apr 4, 2024

gamma50g said: ↑

My basic questions are -

1. Does a daughter's responsibility towards her parent's care end the day she gets married? I'm not talking about financial support. I'm referring to caring for parent(s) when they become old, sometimes unable to live alone by themselves. Is a daughter equally responsible as a son is to care for her parent(s) even after she married?
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Depends on the family's dynamics, their belief system, how the children were brought up, did one child need more of parent resources like time and money, was one child naturally high-achiever, etc etc.

2. Is it a daughter-in-law's responsibility to care for her in-laws (again referring to non financial aspects)? If a husband claims to not have time, and to subscribe to the view that it's a son and DILs duty to take care of his parens and if the other child is married (daughter) , is within the same country and shares the same view, is it the duty of a non-working DIL to care for her in laws who are both alive, young and in good health?
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What the son thinks, what the other child thinks, etc is juicy matter for a debate but in reality that is irrelevant. The DIL should decide for herself how much she wants to contribute to the care of her in-laws. And, she should go about calmly and quietly doing only that much. No long justifications, discussions, etc etc.

By care I mean taking care of their needs like driving them for doctor appointments, buying groceries and medicines for them, making calls and taking appointments for them and even giving up the DIL'S kitchen rights completely so that ILs can cook what they want how they like.
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Answered above. Do what she wants to do. Don't do more than that. And best option is to start doing some outside the house job or regular volunteering.

If such ILs themselves say they won't ask their son for xyz because he is busy with work and they will only ask the non-working DIL, are they correct in doing so?
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Are they correct, are they wrong is nice for theoretical discussion. For practical purposes, the DIL should politely and firmly say "ask him when he is home." and move away from the conversation. Repeat until the message sticks. If husband complains, keep the response brief.

3. If the ILs are old and unable to care for themselves, and if their son and daughter are in the same country but busy with work, does the burden of care still fall on the non-working DIL?
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Yes, it does unfortunately. Stay-at-home women are expected to keep adding to their to-do list every new task that comes into the family's list. So, it is up to the DIL to decide what she can do, and do only that much. This requires the ability to leave essential things undone even when no one else is doing them.

Viswamitra · Apr 5, 2024

@gamma50g

The society's thinking in this matter is fundamentally flawed. Every adult child raised by the parents are responsible for care of old-aged parents. However, the parents should do everything to take care of themselves until it becomes too hard for them. The parents raise both boys and girls the same way including educating them and getting them married. Therefore, an excuse that the girl is married and has no responsibility towards her parents is unacceptable standard set by the society. For changing that, the concept of the bride moving over to the bridegroom's house and only responsible for that family going forward should be broken.

The vow the bridegroom takes during the wedding should not be restricted to taking care of the bride for life but also to look after her parents as his own parents. Similarly, the bride also should take a vow to treat both parents equally and love and care for them equally.

The primary responsibility to look after the parents should be their children and their spouses only play a role to assist them. Obviously, if it is for mother, DIL and daughter should take the role of a caregiver and when it is father, son and son-in-law should be responsible for caregiving. It is difficult for a mother to share her health issues with son or son-in-law and for a father to share it with daughter or DIL.

What would happen to the parents who have only daughters? There are daughters who are taking very good care of their parents either because they don't have brothers or the daughter is the only child. There are so many examples here in IL.

gamma50g · Apr 5, 2024

Viswamitra said: ↑

@gamma50g

The society's thinking in this matter is fundamentally flawed. Every adult child raised by the parents are responsible for care of old-aged parents. However, the parents should do everything to take care of themselves until it becomes too hard for them. The parents raise both boys and girls the same way including educating them and getting them married. Therefore, an excuse that the girl is married and has no responsibility towards her parents is unacceptable standard set by the society. For changing that, the concept of the bride moving over to the bridegroom's house and only responsible for that family going forward should be broken.

The vow the bridegroom takes during the wedding should not be restricted to taking care of the bride for life but also to look after her parents as his own parents. Similarly, the bride also should take a vow to treat both parents equally and love and care for them equally.

The primary responsibility to look after the parents should be their children and their spouses only play a role to assist them. Obviously, if it is for mother, DIL and daughter should take the role of a caregiver and when it is father, son and son-in-law should be responsible for caregiving. It is difficult for a mother to share her health issues with son or son-in-law and for a father to share it with daughter or DIL.

What would happen to the parents who have only daughters? There are daughters who are taking very good care of their parents either because they don't have brothers or the daughter is the only child. There are so many examples here in IL.
Click to expand...

100% agree with and subscribe to your views @Viswamitra sir.

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