Marriage : Start or End of Independent Life?

Ria2006 · Dec 7, 2007

Hello Gals,

This topic had occured many times to my mind. So I thought of penning it down here and let the crowd guide me.

Very often I have seen gals abandoing their freedom in quest to be GOOD wife. I dont know if that s needed in all the cases. My mother was best example for me to dervie that Its not at all needed. You dont need fat salary and big designation to confer yourself an Independent woman. My mother has always been independent woman without earning a single penny all her life. And She still is Independent woman at age of 57, with daddy retired.
To me independence is state of mind, pretty much like Happiness. If you want to be happy , you will grab every small chance to rejoice. If not , life can be a cribbing mess anyway. Same way, if you want to be indendent you will not leave any chance to put your stamp to anything.
Be it small arrangement in house, be it deciding which kid will go which school, Deciding which careers kids should choose. Everything My mom made a say to us. And as big stubborn kids we offered plenty of resistance. But she was tougher than us, So had her way too.
So For me, I was independent in thinking from the age I remember I started thinking. But marriage gave me another dimension of practical independence. I could do things which even parent would'nt allow. As long as it made sense to husband.

I definitely can remember sometime when I tried to act GOOD wife and give in what I really wanted. I was soon brought out of that cucoon by my husband. He said, I dont need that kind of sacrifical lamb in my house. I want you to assert your independence in everything you do.You dont have to accept a decision merely becos i said so. And i realized I just got lucky to have a liberal husband who pulled me out of that vicious circle of slave mentality.

Actually one thing which stuck to me like arrow was, He said, "I dont want a slave , I want a friend who would question me for everything".

So I would just end with the note, that it s always wise to take step back and watch ourself. If we realise in order to appease others, if we have taken a different personality altogether. Time to shed that false self, and be back in real us.

Cheers,
Ria

dsrini · Dec 7, 2007

Ria

Very nice Topic. You are exactly right independence is more than earning money:iagree. My husband gave me full independence when I came here. He has given me full responsibilities on everything like handling money, handling insurance problems (almost everything) from Day1, All our friends will tell that he has outsourced everything to me n I am his PA. But I feel very independent n of course very happy. I am the decision maker most of the time but again it all depends on the individual (of course their partner). I know lot of people who work but doesn't have the independence (ex: My mil) even to say things.

I have more independence after marriage than b 4. I am happy till now, I know some day I will work but that doesn't mean /i will be independent only that day.

Again very nice topic.

Cheers
-Dsrini

jaya36 · Dec 8, 2007

ON this topic I would like to say something that One of the aunties had told me long back............you dont lose independence per say............but become intra dependent on each other after marraige. after wedding till one has kids I guess we all can have hassle free(most part) independent life to a great extent..............

Jaya

Mahajanpragati · Dec 8, 2007

dear friends,
well all i can say that i did not wanted to indepentdent after marriage.maybe because i was eldest in my family & my parents always tried to make me as self relient as possible or maybe i am just plain lazy.but my dreams of being totally dependent on hubby broke when i realised my hubby was even more liberal than my parents.
now,i have to manage all household account(even thou he is CA),pay bills ,dabble in shares(I am science grad) ,keep track of everybody's bday in family ,all thanks to my husband.
sometimes i revolt &tell him i will not do this & that, but everytime i end up doing the task.
so marriage has neither been start or end just continuation of independence.

dsrini · Dec 8, 2007

Jaya

Intra-Dependent is the best way of describing life after marriage(for both). Good One.

-DSrini

Ria2006 · Dec 8, 2007

Thanks Dsrini, Jaya and MahajanPragati for adding your wisdom.

Yes very nicely put , "intra dependent after marriage" I guess it goes well with the saying.

Husband and wife are two wheels of same cart. If they try to go in opposite direction, cart will break.

Jananikrithsan · Dec 8, 2007

Hi Ria,
Like all the others have said my DH and I inter dependant on one another.
I only one person has to make all the decisions then it becomes master and slave.
In a marriage sometimes you have to assert yourself as in many cases that I have seen.Working women give their pay packets to their hubby and are given as stipend to spend. For every small expense they have to account to him,I have seen it happen.
I like to make decisions along with my DH,sometimes when I think and need be, I decide on my own.
Nice Topic!!!!!!!!

Chitvish · Dec 8, 2007

Dear Ria,
You all use the word "intra-dependent".
We are "dependantly independant", being married for 40+ years.
I am sure the phrase explains itself.
Love,
Chithra.

Ria2006 · Dec 8, 2007

Thanks Janai for response. Yes I do agree in taking part of each and every decision of family. Its great step to be involved and stakeholder in house

Chitra Mam :bowdown:bowdown:bowdown

I am so awed by your visit to this thread. Thanks for visting. You are like one adorable complete woman I look up to. I have read your many thread in religious section and cookery section. I love them all. I feel you are one of the important pillar of IL.

I totally like the phrase "Dependently Independent" How wonderfully put together.

Regards,
Ria

sashie · Dec 8, 2007

Hi Ria, I have thought abput this alot in the past. At first when i got married (i have been married for 5 yrs), i thought that marriage made me more indendent. I could do alot more than when i was single, my husb and i could travel, work, whatever we wanted. But now that i have been married for a whil, and il's are more in the picture, i feel like i have lost most of my independance. This is because my il;s want to dictate everthing, form how i cook,to how i raise my children, to how/when i work.....I cannot see or talk to my family like i used to be able too, beacsue of all this bad connections with il';s. When i was single, i thought that being married would give me a new sense of freedom, and that definatley is not how it is for me.