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Marriage Is Not Ultimate! My Daughter Says So...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blessed, Jul 22, 2021.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    While reading your post, I thought why this OP is pressurising her otherwise bold, beautiful & perfect girl for marriage at this very young age.
    Believe me, 23 is too young for a life time commitment like marriage.
    As a woman who has seen the dark side of marrying early, you must know what i am trying to explain here.

    But thankfully, your DD was absolutely right. She said what needs to be said at the right time.

    She needs to progress in her career & establish an identity for herself before she commits to a family life; which is supper demanding for a woman.

    Believe me... I got married at the age of 26, but i wasn't fully settled in my career by then. I had to live far away from my H for work during the initial 2 years of our marriage & it was so difficult.

    Women need time to be physically, mentally, emotionally and financially ready to start their marriage life.
    Then only they can enjoy this hard earned freedom & education.

    If not, they will be forced to compromise on their dreams to balance the family they create. This is not fair.

    Don't mistake her. You know who she is, and even if she has someone in mind, be the bigger person to trust & let her live. If possible, support her in her choices & defend her when she fails.

    Good luck
     
    Thyagarajan, blessed and hridhaya like this.
  2. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    This is what she exactly told me, when she is not interested in marriage now then there is no point in meeting this guy, she doesn't want to be committed because may be in future she wants to change her job move to different state, right now she just wants to explore
     
  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you SGBV, I have been reading all your posts and what all you went through and how you bounced back, you are really a strong lady, actually we are not pressuring her get married in fact we didn't open this topic at all with her unless when this proposal came as parents we really got excited but upset when she rejected even with out going through his profile, as a Mom a kind of fear was inside me because my sisters daughter who is 29-30 years who is also working in US wants to remain single and hates the topic of marriage ( she had a break up with much older person whom she dated) we thought she requires some time to come out of it but even after two long years she is still not interested to get married, though professionally she is doing very well , whenever my sister and I are chatting she always will be cribbing about this topic , moreover the social pressure from our relatives and friends is to much for us .
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If you’re concerned about social pressure it’s not going to stop with just the wedding. Next it will be when they have kids, how many kids, why did she have kids too soon, too late, why girl and not boy…..You get the picture.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok OP, I understand your frame of mind..you want your daughter to have a good career at the same time, get good life’s partner and get settled in life...
    Nothing wrong at all..
    Like your sisters daughter example, many of my elderly relatives struggled to find suitable matches for their daughters because they kept on delaying..and when the girl was ready for marriage at 28 years, no suitable boy was found and due to not getting proper alliance the marriage was delayed to early thirties...
    One aunty’s daughter insisted in getting marriage done only after completing her PhD in a foreign university..the girl is still doing PhD and she is 32 years old..the parents of the girl already have major health problems and though proud of their daughters achievement, they’re very sad thinking when they’ll get good news of her marriage and see grand children.. and when they can fulfil major responsibilities of performing her marriage and helping for childbirth etc.
    Thus I can understand your concerns as a mother of a grown up daughter.

    See generally speaking, 23 is not too young, if the girl is done with her studies and is employed and prepared to get married...I’ve lived my entire life in India, so my perspective is mostly regarding my family and friends circle residing in India..
    In fact in my family and friends circle, many of my friends, cousins, colleagues etc have got married between age of 23-24..few at 25.. of course, all had completed their studies and were working...but they had an understanding with their future husband and continued and moved ahead in their careers too even afterward marriage..most waited till their late twenties or thirties to start a family..but they started off as freshers at the time of getting married, then focused on career, were able to get promotions and now many are even working as team leads and in middle and senior positions too....
    A majority factor is the biological clock, I.e later the marriage , later the couple try for kids and chances of TTC struggles and complications too..
    This is one reason I could also see trend of ladies getting married by mid twenties and having a baby by late twenties or before 30 without much delay and then putting extra efforts into career after maternity break...

    But major factors are the interest of the girl in getting married, whether she is physically, mentally, emotionally prepared..whether her health is ok for further responsibilities..whether the girl is ready for commitment..whether she has plans of further studies, has financial goals like paying off education loans and investing in some property etc before getting married..or has someone specific career goal like reaching a certain position before thinking of marriage..
    In your case she has to have the interest in marriage..and willingly consent..
    The new generation are very clear about what they want and shouldn’t be forced..
    Your daughter seems to be a level headed and sensible girl, just let her live her life the way she wants to..
     
    Thyagarajan and blessed like this.
  6. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- everyone has given you great advice! I can see your point as well as your daughter's.

    I was raised as an independent young woman who was allowed to make her own decisions- similar to how you have raised your daughter. I was 23, the same age as your daughter when seemingly perfect matrimonial came from our relatives. It wasn't the first time. There had been other matrimonials that my parents had said no to without pestering me because it was clear that I didn't want to marry before completing my Ph.D. But this one was different. The guy was a medical doctor in a cushy government job. They had made all sorts of promises that nothing will change and I will just be going from one home to another. They were in the same town so it was assumed that since I don't have to move anywhere, I'll continue with my studies. But it was a disaster! Our families couldn't have been more different. So, a perfect matrimonial (family wealth, education level, Kundli, etc. etc. ) doesn't always mean that it is a perfect relationship for the couple!

    I remarried when I was 29 to whom I dated and knew well enough to figure that we can make it work and have been happily married for over 12 years now.

    Your daughter is figuring out her adult life. She doesn't want to settle down yet and I don't blame her. She wants to enjoy the fruit of her labor. Meeting a person when you are not ready for a commitment makes no sense. Once they meet then the families will ask what they think about each other? Did you like him/her? If not, why not? If yes, then what are you waiting for?

    Let her live her life and make her decision when she is ready.
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2021
    Thyagarajan, blessed and anika987 like this.
  7. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    dear madam.

    you have a very valid point to be concerned. i have friends and relatives who chased career and now regret not getting married at 35 . some including myself who got married at 23 are super happy. some are happy to find a partner in 30s. it changes for every one.

    i am in no position to make a life decision. but i can suggest what i learnt from my life. it may help her if she considers

    couple goals - not the travel and tourism but the boring ones

    like their personality. are they laid back , super organized , very particular about cleaniless , cooking
    interest in house work. expectations.
    career and spending habits.
    children and their view on their parents.
    how they handle things when they upset. their view on their relationship with their blood relatives - parents , siblings.
    another thing with social media i see lot of folks are self obsessed ( words likes self happiness), it is a good thing but there is a thin line where self happiness can also bring lot of inconvenience to the other couple ( so i feel ) it is good to discuss how they view other's life who are living with them

    honest discussion between the young couple if encouraged - 23 or 33 age of marriage does not matter :)
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  8. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Well said!
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  9. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Maybe you can talk to your daughter and tell her to come to a midline..maybe start looking for an alliance around 25 or 26..

    She still has two or three years and honestly,it’s not like we search for an alliance and get married the next day.It is quite a process and can even take another year.

    In the meantime,she can do what she wants and you also have time to relaxedly search for an alliance.

    Again..maybe you should also consider the factor that your daughter may look for a guy herself..be it in her office or anything.

    So just relax,anything might change anytime!

    You or your daughter might make any plans but Destiny will have its own plan:)

    All will workout in good time:) No worries.
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    :roflmao:
    may be the OP to start a new thread on how she may advise the child about the selection.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.

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