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Marriage is a School of Love and Forgiveness!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tugga, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies (and gentlemen:))

    I am here with yet another thread, but this time it is definitely not about my personal issues.

    First of all, let me thank IL forum for the wonderful advises, and sharing of experiences. This really helps a lot for those women in need.

    In connection to the above subject line, I would just like to comment on something which is widely used/advised by our ILites, but I am not sure how positively that will improve someone's marriage life.

    Every marriage has problems. This is a universal truth. Just because the wife is not beaten up black and blue, doesn't mean her marriage has no issues. Some women learn to live/adjust with their major problems and some get so confused with their minor problems in hand. It is all about the nature and sarrounding of the person in question.

    When a woman post her marital issues in a public forum like this, many of us just poped in and respond like... "Give him a bitter medicine, Completely ignore him from your life, Inform your folks about your marital issues, Give your husband a nice treatment, so that he will never dare to hurt you, do not listen to him, WAKE UP GIRL, call the Police, do not share your PWs, Pin codes with him and don't give him access to your accounts, etc...."

    It is 100% agreeable if the woman's husband is a born abuser, and she is at the edge of her marriage life, and wants help to move out. But unfortunately not every woman comes to this forum because of an abusive marriage. Many wants to patch up the damages in their marriage, and work out things to handle their issues with no harm.

    Ok, what will happen if you give your husband a bitter medicine or an unforgateble treatment for his abuses/misbehaviors? Either he will stop abusing you or separate from you.
    But definitely this treatments will never bring back any love and affection in your marriage. After all, you will end up living a cold marriage with no emotional connections and affection. Is that what you ladies want out of your marriage?????

    Can you win someone's heart and buy love and affection by your arguments and bitter treatments?

    A wedding last only one day, but a marriage for the rest of the life. When a couple get married, it has been said both go back to school again, the school of marriage. They begin to learn again, to learn to love each other in a deeper way. They join themselves to each other to become one, without losing their individuality.

    Becoming one doesn’t happen overnight. It is something that is learned and that the couple becomes better at as they share their married life together. Becoming one means loving each other, sharing their lives with each other, and taking each other into consideration always. Becoming one means getting rid of all selfishness because there is no room for selfishness in marriage. If selfishness is not rooted out or creeps in later on, it is sure to cause problems.

    What if we advice about love and forgiveness? Every human being has their own flaws... Like you and me.. we are not perfect, and never be perfect. We tend to learn from our mistakes, and always expect someone to forgive our mistakes. Then why we are not ready to forgive our loving husbands?

    Forgiveness doesn't mean being foolish. I mean, why do we rush to give a bitter treatment before trying once to forgive him and accept him as he is.

    It is just my opinion, and not to hurt anyone here:) Kindly take it sportively.. and thanks for your understanding.

    Regards
    Tugga
     
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  2. bharti

    bharti Silver IL'ite

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    hey tugga.... nice one.....

    i also feel that ppl come to this forum more to help themselves to get their love back and not in want to loose their spouse...... each one has a unique situation as no two person are the same.... they have different desires and needs from lives!!!

    but sometimes life leave no other option but to adjust and adapt if you are really keen for that relation!!! no other strategy works!!!

    :thumbsup
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with you to certain extent tugga not completely
    we cant be sita in ramayana where you keep showing love and be pure and try convincing husband and finally dies
    see anything that you give comes back
    could be love or hatred
    but communciation is important blindly trying to love and love and love other person makes us go no where
     
  4. lakshmilife

    lakshmilife Junior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Good to see the replies and this gives lot of strength to the faith in marital institution which in todays fast pace life is slowly fading off.I hope i dont sound outdated if we look into the lives of our parents we could see lot of tolerance i do agree more from wives end but it gave lot of balance in the family.Its not possible in todays world to be like our mother but where ever needed one can try pick up some tips.
     
  5. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    Tugga,

    Definitely agree. In fact I am looking to post my personal issues too. And like you say most women are not looking to head straight to a break up but want to work it out somehow.

    However I have to say that abuse is not the single reason to leave a relationship. Though it seems the hardest to live with, sometimes emotional baggage, insecurity, domineering spouses, and even indifference drives people apart.

    Finally to each his own. It does nobody any good to make sweeping generalizations. And yes, open forums can get judgemental so it's always best to take advice with a pinch of salt and add to it your own prudent thoughts since no one else can know our circumstances as best as we do.
     
  6. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Bharti, Lavii and Lakshmi for your comments.

    Dear Lavi,

    Fully agreed. We are in 21st century and no one can expect us to lead a life like Sita in Ramayana. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't be humble, polite, understanding.. Also we won't lose anything by forgiving someone's sin.

    Again, I am reminding... Forgiveness and love doesn't make you fool.

    Think, we have done so many mistakes in our teens, but our parents have forgiven us from everything. They didn't chase us from their home, didn't teach us a bitter lesson by ignoring us completely from their life, and our parents didn't call the Police or other relatives to humiliate us. They handled everything by bearing in mind that we are their loving children. That's why still we love our parents, and see our parents as a big protection to us.

    But, it doesn't mean they acted like fools, and let us do whatever we wanted for. NO... They warned us, talked with us, understood us, and made us understand their suffering to bring us to this position. That made us to learn from our mistakes with time. After all, we all are human beings na?!

    Our spouse is more or less equal to our parents na... Then why can't we accept him/her just for the sake of LOVE?

    But again... There is no need to adjust or accept if there is no LOVE left in that marriage. One suppose to know whether his partner still loves her/him. If he/she understands clearly that there is no love left in their marriage, then ofcourse they should move on and take necessary actions.

    My comment was, we can't make someone love us by taking bold/negative steps against them. But we can definitely change someone's mind and make them love us/have passion for us by our LOVE and FORGIVENESS. It doesn't mean we have to be fools to love someone truely!!!
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Sowmya,

    Exactly...

    To everyone his/her problem is unique and serious. It can not be compared with others. Emotional violance is no good than physical violence.. It is all upto the person in question.

    But one point.... When someone is angry and not in a stable mood (most of us are like this when we have issues at home/specially with our spouses) they will come to a public forum/friends/relatives and vent out all their frustrations in hand, but it doesn't mean their life is full of frustrations:(

    When we are angry with someone, we tend to describe all the negative things about that person. It is natural. But saying negatives alone doesn't not make him/her as a negative character.

    Based on what we write in a public forum, the members respond/advise us. Sometimes this too can get judgemental and generalization. But this is something serious, as the angry person will never cool down with these blunt judgements about their spouse. As a result, they follow what the majority says. On the other words, the judgemental answers will definitely influence the person's decision on their life. Life is not a game to see trials, and finals.

    Last week when I was talking to my counsellor (also a friend of mine), I came to know that professional marriage counsellors never give advises when the person (client) is in an angry mood. They never judge the spouses of their clients based on what they say when they are so mad at them, rather they give them an assignment to think about all the unforgetable love/happy incidents in their marriage life.. Like when did you propose your love, what was the first gift he gave it to you, what made you to love him etc....

    During this phase, the person's mind will be stable and he/she will be able to think all the positive and negative sides of their spouses.. Then as adult they will be able to say what they really want from this marriage.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  8. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I think in this school of love and forgiveness, there are certain definitions and limitations. And nobody right away suggests a bitter reaction or separation.

    Forgiveness is a real good virtue. But anything in excess is wrong. Being beaten up , or tortured, or suspected or abused without limitations is not something to be forgiven. Such matters need to be worked out mutually, but in our male dominant societies, the men are always the winners. Why males, even a woman would side a male- they say a woman is another woman's worst enemy. This forum itself has so many threads and posts showing the atrocities of mils.
    But again,, things simply cannot be generalised. Exceptions and differences are everywhere.
    So the definitions and limits of forgiveness vary from person to person, and problem to problem.
    In this institution of marriage, 2 human beings are involved and the love and forgiveness must be limited to the level of human beings. If one tries to become a monster and the other has to simply be behaving like a devi of tolerance, it is something to ponder and take action.

    My personal views, no intentions to offend anyone, pl.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tugga

    I understand and totally appreciate your view point..However never compare a parent child relationship with a wife n husband relationship.

    Vimala1957 has explained very well about other points..
     
  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Vimala,

    Sorry, I humbly disagree with you here. There are some posts, that suggests a bitter reaction (not separation) immediately after reading the OP.

    I agree 100%. As I mentioned before, if there is no love, and no affection between the couple, then there is no point in forgiving. I mean if someone is beating you black and blue and giving you constant mental torture, then we have to think whether this marriage still has any love and affection to continue. If not, such matters need to be worked out in a bold way.

    Of course... No need to behave like a DEVI of tolarance when your DH is trying to become a monster. But there is no harm if you forgive your DH a couple of times before taking any serious action if you think he deservs your forgiveness.

    I mean if you are so sure that your DH loves you and it is just his weakness that gives you trouble, then it is not a big deal correct/change him by your forgiveness. Because, you can't make someone love you by any actions except LOVE.
     

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