Managing Impressions & Expectations...

Vidya ,

Do not please anyone.. Just do what best you have been doing all this while. Tell them, this is how you have always been and would always be.. You know you havent changed.. If others are trying to create such illusions then, there is not much you can do to help..

But no pleasing games. You know why, it will just drain you out someday..
DOnt allow that to happen, Vidya.

The next time your mom complains you must tell her to not crib. You may stop calling if they nag this way. Tell them, you are no different from some Mrs.X who keeps nagging.. She compares you with your hubby isnt ? Say the same thing.. She will understand it was wrong .. For God's sake they bought you into this world and should be sooo sure about you..

Even if you have become like your husband so what ?? He does not behave like Veerappan, right ? You must firmly tell her to STOP talking about your hubby. However he is, you would handle him and your life. Period.

Similarly you must tell your husband to stop talking and comparing himself with your parents.. Does he even understand that HE IS YOUR HUSBAND AND NOT YOUR PARENT ?? Ask him to pause for a second and ponder. How can a parent and husband be loved the same ? Ridiculous isnt ? What role and importance he has in your life is irreplaceable .. So, there shouldnt be any comparisons or insecurities in the first place !! As an adult he must understand that.

The next time anyone tells you , your parents taught you rubbish , tell them firmly that usually no parent do that. Even if they did, YOU ARE AN ADULT and know what is right and wrong. So, people need to keep their silly opinions to themselves ! It is amazing how people talk stupid and blame parents if the daughter does something wrong as an adult ! Few things maybe, but everything !!! Outrageous !!

Time to stop satisfying everyone, Vidya ! Just be the way you are.. People who know you and want you that way, can be around. Rest can keep brooding all their life and miss out on the good things you are giving them !!

Take care..

 

SriVidya,

You are the only child to your parents or do they have any one else.
Typically your mother ,some parents they don't know how to come out of this,because you were there with them almost 20+ years and suddle if you come out of the house,they can't take it easily.This is the reason for her behaviour.She was not able to digest the fact that you are out of there house.
Just ask her was she was doing same work before her marraige and after her marraige.Try to devort her to do some other works and keep her busy.Overall i see your mother is missing you so much.
Coming to your DH,lot of DH's can't digist if you talk to your parents before them.So try to avaoid talking to your mother before them and also don't share lot of information about your parents.I have feeling that you might have shared lot of information to him and that's why he is feeling that way.

 

Vidya,

Do you have any siblings? Each person is different and some people are sensitive and they don't see the reality of the life .So your mother would have been one of them. She might have been very sensitive and she might have raised you with lots of love without thinking that you would go one day. If possible please check her with some doctor; in general it might help. Does your mother attached to your father? I think she needs some body to support her in day to day.
For your husband it didn’t come in one day. It might have been started from your marriage. He might be observing you and your parents. I think lot of men doesn’t like that and even I believe vise versa. There is always being some limit in any relation. if not it will cause problems.
Why don't you buy some calling cards and if needed talk from office. Don’t use online card where he can check. I know for you both of them important but here both of them are feeling insecure. You don't get exhausted; stay strong and you can deal this situation.
When your mother asks next time, you need to talk her in reality. Ask her is she has been same before her marriage and after marriage. Doesn’t she not to cook for your father. So tell her you are the same women and you are no different from any one. I think you need to talk to her openly and direct to explain you status. Some could get into depression.

 

Dear SriVidya,

This is what I have done in my married life. If not now, ultimately you too have to take this route as I have found from my experience that this route usually works.

The background : I am the only daughter of my parents. My husband is the second son and the third/youngest child of the family.

Anyway, after marriage YOU HAVE TO LEARN NOT TO GIVE UNDUE IMPORTANCE OR PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT TO EITHER YOUR PARENTS OR IN-LAWS. By that I mean, treat each of them equally and prevent them from crossing the line of respect.

1. I call my parents and in-laws twice a week, [ sometimes once a week ] without fail. Please do not stop calling them- but limit your calls. There is no need to call them frequently.
Both in-laws and parents try to influence their sons/daughters over phone-which is bad and therefore telephone/mobile talks should be limited to once or twice a week, I feel.

When in the old times, there was no mobile, or telephone expenses were costly- couples in nuclear families had lesser control from their relatives/in-laws/parents-and their married life was less stressful because of this reason, I think.

So, do not misuse the mobile.

2. When I talk to my parents, after sometime , I hand over the phone to my husband. Even if he is not interested or willing to talk, I hand him the phone so that he can talk to my parents. I make sure he talks with them-even if it is for 1 minute or even if the conversation is strictly formal. This helps in clearing misunderstanding between son-in-laws [your husband] and your parents. It also gives them less chance to complain about each other.

3. I do not talk about my in-laws with my parents. I do not talk about my parents with my in-laws, unless it is a matter of health related issues or a very serious matter.
If my parents starts talking about my in laws in a bad light [they may be justified], I change the subject . If my in-laws try to talk ill about my parents- I change the subject too- If MIL /mother starts complaining, I tell them "please give the phone to FIL/Father, I have something important to tell him". I do not allow anyone to talk bad about each other.
If I am forced to listen to something for the first time, I listen once but do not allow my parents/in-laws to bring that topic twice in our next conversation.

4. Even after doing so, if my MIL/FIL keeps complaining to my husband about my parents-then I make sure my husband see both side of the story and usually, he does.

5. In your case, your husband cannot see any difference between you and your parents -and if according to him, you are doing as your parents tell you-Then do not give him a chance to complain -you stop the "hate topic" itself-no more badmouthing will be tolerated from either your parents or his-make it clear to him and them-directly or indirectly.

6. all my conversation with my MIL/FIL is srtictly formal-Like-"how are you ? how is your health ? how is the weather there ? Are you taking your medicines regularly ? Have you taken dinner/lunch ? -Nothing beyond that.

7. If someone tries to bad mouth about each other over the phone- I tell them-"-please change the topic, there is GOD-he will do justice one day [if it is a case where my parents say something controversial about my in-laws]. SIMILARLY, I SAY- " I am giving the phone to your son [my husband]" - [if it is a case where my in-laws say something controversial about my parents].

8. The more you talk about your in laws with your parents in the phone, the more upset you will get-I am telling you. No need to praise anyone or please anyone but no need to dwell upon bad subjects too.


Thanks,
"HAPPY"

 

I guess your parents should stop giving you this nonsense.. sorry.. but that's what I feel.. Knowing you for 20 years.. I guess they should know that you have more responsibilities in your new family ,.. If they had wanted to be with them, why get you married. I would have a frank discussion with your mom especially on this. It's your mom after all. She should know how much its affecting you.. You can tell her what is that she wants.. than nagging for silly things... I guess doing this sweet sugar coating talk will not help, its painful and stressful. If there is an opportunity to be transparent and frank, I guess we should use that and take it off the chest.

I am surprised why you are listening to all this.. If your mom starts off you are never the same, ask her back for once, if you want her to be the same, why get her married knowing that she is going to live of in a new family with more responsibilities?

I know I might sound harsh.. but I guess you need to make her understand.. after 4 years of marriage.. someone has to come to reality..

I guess this is the root problem.. solving this would automatically take out the branches (husband, inlaws, kids.. whoever is whining on the other side)

 

Very well said Happy, it is a tough role to be a good daughter, wife, daughter in law and to keep evryone happy.

These egoes, misunderstnadings, settlements, calculations on who has done what and why everyhting makes life worse. :drowning