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Malathi And Her Mother-in-law - A Real Life Story!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by varalotti, Jan 29, 2006.

  1. lakshmis66

    lakshmis66 New IL'ite

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    Dear Sridher,

    I think I have gotten to get a liking for your writing. Thanks for that. i am really enjoying it.

    I just read this story. Very touching. I guess DILs come in all shapes and sizes and MILs come in all shapes and sizes as well.

    Combinations and stories are plentiful. Here I would like to share my own experience as a DIL.

    My husband is an only son. However he is far from a mother's boy. In fact he is far from anyone's boy but himself. He had been away from his family since very young and had been on his own all his life when he married me, But he basically had good values. Else he would not have told me that his parents are old and they will be with us until they die when he first met me after our marriage was arranged.

    After our marriage, we had to be in the US for about 8 months but I had. made it clear that I do not want to live any longer thah necessary in the US and want to return to Singapore where we wanted to setup our family (Both of us are Singaporeans). My In-laws came to be with us in the US for a while in which time I realised how possessive she was, She hated it when we went out on our own. She hated it when I cooked something and he said it was nice. She will barge into our room when we are in bed... the list goes on. When she behaved this way my husband would show his frustration by screaming at her and when I tried to calm him, he would scream at me and in the end the whole thing will be depressing. After he goes to work, my MIL would sy that her son was never like this and barely a month after I got married I have changed him and turned him against him. I did not use to talk back as I was too scared.

    Time passed, we came back to Singapore, setup our home and got my in-laws (then in Malaysia) to come and live with us. I was already pregnant and working and I wanted somebody to be home. Though my parents, brothers and SILs were there itself, I gave importance for my parents in law. When my son was born, the possessiveness of my MIL increased 7 folds. She took good care of him but I was not even allowed to have him by my side at night. She stopped me from giving milk for my son saying that it was bad for him as I was not there during the day (I was working) She would makes such a big fuss if my parents and brothers visited as she thought that my son will enjoy their company better than hers. I did not even go back to my parent's home (even though they were in the same town) for 3 years as she would not let me take my child. After that I had 2 abortions and never had a child because of what I went through for the first. Whenever I tried to communicate with my husband I got no sympathy but he would shout at his mother, shout at me and then think that his responsibility is over. He needed a wife but he could not get it from me partly because I was trying to please my In-laws and partly because his mother made it hell.

    He then went on to focus his attention in his business. He set up a business in India and moved to India. It was not easy as he realised later that it is very difficult for people from overseas to run business in India. We had made commitments in Singapore that was only supported by me. So I live in Singapore with my In-laws and son. My in-laws refuse to move in with the son in India. But I take care of them because of the word I gave to my husband before my marriage. I have become bolder. I do put my foot down when they misbehave, but they always know that I am dependable and that they will not get a better consideration from their son. When my FIL had a heart condition last year. I stayed with him in the ICU for 3 days and nights.When my MIL messed up after being hospitalised, I stayed with her and cleaned her up.

    I still get stupid remarks from my MIL like my husband has changed after the marriage and my husband only cares for me and eqully stupid remarks from my husband that I care about his parents more than I care for him. Then when he sees me arguing with his mother he says I do no respect his mother.

    I am used to these dumb remarks now. I ignore them and move on. I look at the bright side. My husband is a very good man with good values. My MIL adores my son and my FIL is a good man, So what is there for me to keep in heart.

    Today I can easily join my husband in one fight he has with his parents and move them out. Then what? Will I be able live with myself with the guilt? There is something called Karma. What goes around comes around. I want to do the right thing and I want my son to grow up as a man of values. And values start with us.

    I hold a good position in a foreign bank but I am a good DIL at heart. Not because my MIL told me so last weekend that she could not get a better DIL (because that might change next week because something goes wrong) but because I believe in it. Someday they will all realise but even if they do not I am OK with that. My Karma kadan will speak for itself.
     
    4 people like this.
  2. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Lakshmi,
    The reason I stay in IL and have made it my home is that on many, many occasions I have found the fb I receive from the ladies being better than the original post.
    My writing about MIL/DIL is different. I am a man and though I am a writer, my report is only second hand.
    On the other hand your account is quite authentic.
    I read your post as if I were reading a short story. And I really like the unassuming, inobtrusive way you write.
    Hats off to you, Lakshmi.
    I salute you not just as a writer but as a better human being than me. We still have our monsoons in India on time, because our culture can boast of persons like you.
    You will always be blessed, Lakshmi. Take it from me.
    love,
    sridhar

     
    2 people like this.
  3. skavi

    skavi Senior IL'ite

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    Re: how about MILs like Malathi- world would be a better place to live in!!

    Hi Sridhar garu n meena ..

    Sridhar garu as usual i liked ur story ...i think many of us should learn silence is great weapon which solves many problem....

    Meena
    after reading i got the same feeling what u have written, but i would have not written so well n explained it in ur manner...thank u

    Skavi
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2008
  4. sanravi_1970

    sanravi_1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Sridhar Sir

    This is the first time i get to read ur snippet, esp this is the first snippet i read in IL, i shd say i learnt a lesson from Malathy! Hats off, wat a patience she has! It was really wonderful to read ur write - up! :)
     
  5. sreemu

    sreemu Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi i just happened to come across this thread and i can say l learnt something from this thread IL has manty things to offer from friendships to lifes lessons
    sreemu
     
  6. Chithrakala

    Chithrakala New IL'ite

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    Hats off to all daughter in laws and mother in laws who are determined to make it a smooth relationship.

    However, I believe the true culprit is the son or husband.
    Mostly MIL and DIL have bad relations where husband either ignores one of them or husband tries playing "silent" hero character.
    If he knows the true character of these ladies, he could advise each other to behave accordingly.

    Husband Being silent does not help. He has to re-assure his mother that he still loves her while re-assuring wife that he loves her very much.
    In whichever house, husbands have succeeded in doing this, peace reigns there.

    Why blame poor ladies only? :)
    Say new husband gets wife a sari. Does not get one for his mother.
    Whereas if he tells his wife...I will get a good sari for u...but before that lets appease amma by getting her a sari...

    Even dowry problem is not a problem provided husband is understanding
    Suppose MIL cribs that DIL 's parents didnt give good diwali gift as per her expectation...Husband can get the gifts himself and go give it at his wife's house and she can bring it claiming those are from her parents...

    Now woe on the household where husbands do not know to do these smart things.

    Ofcourse there might be very smart DILs who might manage to attain peace despite their dumb husbands...

    Those DILs are rare. Most DILs achieve peace by becoming like a "picture " framed on the wall. DILS are to be seen and not heard. DILS become doormats to please the family. Net result after 8-12 years of marriage, most of these DILS will be very unhappy ladies themselves.
    They will start showering affection on their sons/daughters...and decide to take revenge on her own DILs by vying for love from her son even after he is married.

    If MILS feel adequately loved and cared by FILS, why would they be after love from son.
    Most Indian FILs are in their own world - who think that their wives exist to cook, clean or just meet their emotional needs.
    Exceptions are there ofcourse.

    Wherever there is a FIL who is a very good caring husband and a son who is smart, in that house, the DIL has no problem :)
    I envy these DILs.

    If FILs had been good husbands themselves, MILs would not have been so jealous when son gifts a sari to DIL.

    Then there are MILs who try to win sympathy from DIL by telling that FILs are not caring (even when their sons are not caring to their wives) and says sob story.
    Just when DIL feels sympathy towards MIL, MIL uses manipulative techniques to intidimate the DIL by carrying tales to her son.

    There are sons who just with one word from their mothers, rises into a rage and abuse their wives without even verifying whether what his mother said is true or not.

    There are MILs who treat DILs with fear and try to vilify them infront of others.
    And there are DILs who do the same to their MILs.

    One of the MILS who had a tough marriage herself - keeps saying she used to go to her mom's place during vacation instead of visiting her MIL, now she is insisting her DIL visits her only when her DIL who is working - comes for 4 to 5 days leave.

    I feel so sorry for the DIL. Poor lady, she has only 4 to 5 days leave and cant visit her parents.
    The MIL says - I dont make my DIL do any house work -so what is her problem in staying here.
    This MIL is so aggressive with her DIL, by being selfish. If she were a good MIL, she would have been happy with DIL visiting her family for 2 days and staying with them for 2 days...
    I cant digest this -as this MIL herself used to stay with her parents...so how can she behave like this now..

    This MIL influences or uses her "straight forward " son into influencing or dominating her DIL to get what she wants.
    This is modern MIL warfare.

    anyways, good luck to all good DILs, MILS out there.
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2010
    1 person likes this.
  7. Ramavyasarajan

    Ramavyasarajan Silver IL'ite

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    I now come across this thread. The real life story is very good. As Sonia told the son has a great duty to build a bridge between Mother and Wife. The son should not do favour either to his mother alone or to his wife alone. He should know the tactics to tackle these two. Really Malathy's patience won there. She had been appraised by her MIL herself.

    Main thing both MIL and DIL should try to understand each other. DIL should not try to seperate her husband from his mother since she had him as her husband only because his parents brought up with their utmost care. love and affection.

    Likewise MIL should not dominate on her DIL becaused she has become part and parcel of the life of his son and should be broad minded to leave them to live happily.

    Ramavyasarajan
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sridhar sir

    This is the nth time I am reading this story of yours...Might be I also have a clue of who is Malathi..

    But one very important aspect of this story is...Shiva neither supported or fought with his wife about what his mom complains about...I guess there is a silver lining in every successful story...and in this story..the silver lining is husband doesnt support or doesnt fight with the wife about what his mom/others say about the wife. if he also did that then it would have been very very difficult...

    Though Shiva didnt support wife or didnt take wifes side...at the same time he didnt put her down or show her down by fighting with her right infront of his parents/elders. And Even Malathi has mentioned that Shivas only problem is he thinks his mom is god...which is well taken...

    Malathi is dealing only with her MILs tantrums....but if she had to deal with both MIL and husband (for whom she came to that house, whom she trusted and planned to live all her life with) then Idont know how things would have been.

    I have already given my fb in this thread once...but again as I mentioned in my PM to you...I am in one of those moods today again...so going through your stories...your stories makes me feel there is hope...
     
  9. glascobaby

    glascobaby Silver IL'ite

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    :) Respected varalotti,

    I am a silent reader of most of your articles, i remember once i read an article which has been published on "The Hindu" - if i am not wrong!

    Coming to this thread, Perhaps MALATHY remembered my mom "MYTHILI", she is jus the same as like MALATHY.I admire my mom so much the way she handled her in-laws even now.

    Thanking you so much for bringing a thread like this. I always think about there is a hair line difference between "maturity" and "evolution". Not everyone gifted with evolution nature! Instead we need to think and instill such nature within us to keep going with everyone, no matter they are bad or good!
     
  10. vidukarth

    vidukarth Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Sridhar Sir,

    Thanks for writing this snippet.

    As many Il's have mentioned, in those days, this kind of treament to DIL's is common. Even in my own family, there was a time when my grandmother was not even allowed to go for her father's death and pay her last rites. And in her case, husband wasn't supportive either, with both MIL and husband not good, and being the second wife after the first wife's death, and the first wife's kids only 3-4 years younger than my grand mother, she has undergone so much of these.

    I really pay my respects to Malathi and many more daughter in laws of that generation, and we all need to learn from them.
     

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