making life beautiful:))))))0

I may be in the minority here, but small or big gifts don't make a bit of a difference to me. I don't care that my husband doesn't make a fuss over my birthday, we both blithely and happily forget our wedding anniversary every year (my FIL always emails to remind us), and I hate breakfast in bed (crumbs!) and flowers (allergies). What is important to us is being good to each other every day.

We don't always succeed at this, but at least we don't ever have huge, screaming, swearing fights with anyone saying anything truly hurtful or vindictive. My husband's theory is now that we're parents, we're just too tired for the real, throw-down fights anymore!

We also have a pact to enjoy our best and worst times together, in private, as a family of three. We have our moments with our larger, extended family and friends, but our time is our time, and our business is our business. This has helped greatly in smoothing over any rocky patches we've experienced (and I think problems are a part of any normal relationship).

I think chemistry is very important in a relationship, but it has to be backed up by something more significant (otherwise, I'd be married to Benedict Cumberbatch). Mutual respect and honesty are very important. So is the realization that you're both working toward a common goal (behaving in a way that is best for the family, without compromising the rights of the individual).

What else allows us to thrive is having our own lives. We don't do everything together, and we don't like all the same people, books, music, TV shows, or movies. We have common interests, and we have things we do together. I know what irritates my husband about me, and vice versa. I try not to be a pain in the %^&*, and I think he extends the same courtesy to me (he does a better job, because he's a more likable character generally).

Most importantly, each marriage, like each person, is unique. It is also a constant work in progress. I don't know anyone who's been happily married for a long time who DOESN'T put in a huge amount of effort to maintain and nurture that relationship. People change, and you have to be aware of this and adapt accordingly.

So, I don't subscribe to conventional notions of roses and sweet talk (just my opinion - obviously, different strokes for different folks). I think that had its place in my life when I was a kid (although back then, I preferred mix tapes and a wicked sense of humor). Now, "chemistry" is not so much a spark as a slow-burning flame, that has to be constantly fed by the everyday fuel of kindness, empathy, and cooperation. Just knowing that we're both in this for the long haul is as exciting to me now as reckless declarations of undying love were to me back in the day. It's the difference between talking the talking back then, and actually walking the walk now.

P.S. This may not be the right soapbox for this, but I'll go ahead anyway. Compatibility is a big deal in marriage, too. I think if the "spark" is not there right from the start, it is unlikely that it will develop magically after marriage, when you need chemistry to carry you through some of the stress and adjustment that comes with joining lives with another person.

Some people are just not meant to be with each other, and some people are not meant to be with anyone. I don't come out and say this in some posts/threads, because it may be hurtful to hear. But honestly, it's like flogging a dead horse - if you and your spouse are constantly at loggerheads, there is a severe power imbalance, and IT'S JUST NOT WORKING, then it's time to call it quits.

Marriage is like any other significant partnership, except it's supposed to be for life. Personally, I think it's tragic to spend your life adjusting, miserable, fighting, or trying to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. Some relationships are worth fighting for, and some relationships should never have happened in the first place. I don't think there's any shame in acknowledging the latter, and releasing yourself and your spouse from the purgatory that some marriages become.

 

THIS. Thank you for saying this. I think we all need to say this , over and over again, to our family, our friends, our accquitances, but mostly to ourselves.
Any relationship and especially marriage is suppossed to make your life easier, more joyful and lighter and NOT create more stress, or learn to 'adjust' (which is the Indian way of saying shut up and put up! ')

 

Gifts doesn't play any role in True love ... unless the couple become a part ...!

Gifts play major role in making u feel happy and even cry by memorizing old memories.

 

its the presence of my husband which brings shine in my eyes........eventhou very few times i expect me to give me a suprise gift for anniversary which never worked, i am least bothered.... but his presence is enough for me.

the beginning of every married has to be filled with love and good memories which are going to keep us going till the end thatswhat i believe and also respecting understanding each others feelings...

At times when i was relaxing all those good old memories pops up in my mind making me feel happy inside,( beyond words) thatswhat keeps me going....

 

Very few men (of all the ones I know, anyway) have this inborn knack of gift-giving. They are hopeless at it. This is why we are usually responsible for all the gift-giving in our families. I understand that most women need to be acknowledged in this way (it makes you feel special, it's kind of expected and promoted in our culture/media as a sign of love, it makes a woman feel like her husband really knows her and intuitively understands her heart's deepest desires) but I also think we should cut guys some slack.

Yes, maybe they should make an effort because it means so much to some of us etc. etc. but really now... have you seen the kind of stuff they bring home? I get good gifts from my mother, sister, and best friend. I expect my daughter will give me good gifts, too. All I want from my husband is for him to take the garbage out on time. Well, what I really want is for him to do it without me reminding him, but that's never going to happen in this world or any other. I accept it.

I'm not against gift-giving, and I envy women who have men in their lives who can do it properly. But the reality of my life is that I can buy whatever I want for myself, and my husband is a loving, caring human being in so many other ways. He gets a pass on the gifts. I think it might help us to realize how much we are manipulated by media/popular culture/tradition to expect men to bring us shiny things to prove their love. It's not always necessary. Lots of abusers are known to bring fantastic gifts the day after they hurt their wives. It's not the best indicator of a healthy relationship.

 

It is obvious to me that you are newly married. I have no suggestions regarding improving chemistry etc.

Be nice at home. Don't expect that you need to have 100% of good memories with husband only. Have other avenues of happiness too. Don't wait your entire day waiting for your husband to come home. Don't wear a nice dress expecting that he will compliment you and something will happen. Wear a nice dress for yourself. Take care of your beauty for your own confidence.

I really don't know whether "weak in knees, hopelessly in love, best husband/spouse" are true/false. But you can make good use of your life. Husband is one aspect of it not the entire life. You have an identity of your own. Build career for your self. Have life outside of your home. Take up a sport and be involved in with full heart. Take care of your health.

All these will make you happy and reduce your expectations from your spouse and then you will be happy with little things together.

 

I beg to differ.

add me to your group....

example:
few nights back.....
DH: "Dinny you know on November XY date the EXPO 2020's venue will be confirmed.If Dubai is that venue then the rent in UAE will go up".
Me: "Really??? But do u remember something else about that date??"
DH: :confused2:
Me: XY date also happens to be our marriage anniversary :biggrin2:

yes we dont gift each other on b'days and anniversaries.....because a gift on those dates is no surprise(JMHO).


DH cooking specially for you could be a surprise (he might not be the best cook around but atleast he tried).....
The day you are feeling low he calls you up and talks to u for a very long time,could be a surprise (remember on normal days he puts down the phone saying" i am very busy now....talk you later".....so on that particular day he called you just to cheer you up....appreciate it)
My definition of a surprise is way different.....i know.

As long as the chemistry/ spark exists behind closed doors the couple need not worry.But if it exists only when others are around then its time the couple understood PDA is not chemistry/spark.


could i add one more point???
well i think many (many many many many) Indian women think that they cease to exist as a wife the day they turn into a mother.Please ladies understand that motherhood should add happiness to your married life and not take it away.
(Dont hang me for that statement......i just read another thread where OP felt guilty for neglecting her hubby after her baby was born.
One counter point....a baby should not be your plan-B to repair your married life)

 

Some husbands don't need an occasion to do something special/get something special for their wives...they only need an excuse.

There are quite a few men like that in my own family and in my best friend's family whom I've known most of my life...and all the wives as far as I know are not complaining.

Let me add, none of these marriages are less than two-decades-old, and all have weathered many a hearty storm and yet managed to retain that newlywed glow.
Perhaps these wives are just lucky or maybe the husbands are doing something right.

Personally I believe it's all thanks to never forgetting to show each other good old fashioned respect and a very generous dollop of that little thing called the milk of human kindness, without which no relationship can hope to prosper.