Major Interference In Marriage

senorita2019 · Apr 3, 2024

Hi,
I was divorced after more than a decade of bitter marriage and was single for 4 years and finally met a great guy and married him last year. We are very close and open with each other and love each other so much.

My husband has a friend who is divorced and single (we all met in the NJ/NY divorced single grp for desi) and this guy has no boundaries and keeps calling my husband all the time to discuss about the divorce grp politics, drama and discusses his dating life with multiple women elaborately. I feel since we are married we should stay away from all this as its negative energy on the marriage. We are not single anymore to talk for hours and gossip about dating life. I need my couple time.

my husband told this guy (he is 10 yrs older than my DH) indirectly many many many times that he is married and he cant be on the phone so much etc. DH didnt want to offend him as he was very helpful when DH was single and in a bad spot.

Last year my DH got laid off and this guy had an opening in his team and hired my DH under him. So now even during business hours, he keeps calling and talking all gossips. Since he is my DH's manager, my DH is so stressed and cornered and dont know how to handle this. This guy is very toxic and clever and calls in the name of some official matter, then after 2-3 minutes he switches gear and starts to talk about his dating life.

We had a big fight last week and I told my DH I am going to tell this guy to stop all the gossips and constant texts and phone calls, so messaged him on whatsapp and told him to keep the relationship professional within business hours and leave my DH alone.

This guy just blew up and exploded on me and screamed at me saying he is professional and he never gossiped etc etc. My DH is stuck between me and his fake friend/manager. My DH promised to keep the relationship very professional and after this fight DH told him I dont like it and cut him off on personal level.

but I am kinda bothered why my DH didnt draw the boundary and stand up for me and my marriage for the past 1 yr. DH should have told immediately after marriage that all these gossips are not acceptable and keep the communication weekly instead of 24/7.

Finally I had to step in and after so much chaos, my DH cut him off. But some lingering irritation and annoyance.

Pls give your perspective on this, I am kinda confused even after everything is solved now.

lavani · Apr 4, 2024

just me 2 cents. your dh got the job as a favor. and those are pitfalls of favors. your liking / dislike does not matter.

everyone gossips a bit. but it is at the same levels. mixing work and gossip with their peers never goes well.

it is time for your dh to network/prepare and look for a new job silently and switch when the offer comes. till then tolerate and not to add more stress and change focus from preparation.

senorita2019 · Apr 4, 2024

lavani said: ↑

just me 2 cents. your dh got the job as a favor. and those are pitfalls of favors. your liking / dislike does not matter.

everyone gossips a bit. but it is at the same levels. mixing work and gossip with their peers never goes well.

it is time for your dh to network/prepare and look for a new job silently and switch when the offer comes. till then tolerate and not to add more stress and change focus from preparation.
Click to expand...

DH is doing some certification to slowly move into other team so he is not the manager and there are no interactions. this guy is very lonely and mentally unstable, needs someone to constantly talk to him and give attention and support him. he is 60 and still so clingy

MalStrom · Apr 4, 2024

Best for your DH to look for another job. Toxic people like this make life difficult for everyone around them.

Rihana · Apr 4, 2024

senorita2019 said: ↑

Pls give your perspective on this, I am kinda confused even after everything is solved now.
Click to expand...

My perspective - I cannot imagine any situation where it would be appropriate to step in and text spouse's friend or spouse's colleague like you have described:

...and I told my DH I am going to tell this guy to stop all the gossips and constant texts and phone calls, so messaged him on whatsapp and told him to keep the relationship professional within business hours and leave my DH alone.
Click to expand...

Texting spouse's friend or colleague like that comes across as controlling. It is entirely the spouse's job to manage his relationships with friend and colleague. Wife can offer him advice and support in private.

People who help during low times such as a divorce or a job hunt at age 40+ in a job market like 2023 are not ones to be discarded just like that. Those helps are so big that one might have to tolerate things quite a bit.

Further, sorry to say this, but it stood out, there seems to be a certain disdain for the single, divorced, still dating people in your post. In particular this part:

I feel since we are married we should stay away from all this as its negative energy on the marriage. We are not single anymore to talk for hours and gossip about dating life.
Click to expand...

This guy just blew up and exploded on me and screamed at me saying he is professional and he never gossiped etc etc.
Click to expand...

I couldn't understand why you would jeopardize your husband's job in any way by sending a written text to his colleague/boss about their unprofessional behavior.

but I am kinda bothered why my DH didnt draw the boundary and stand up for me and my marriage for the past 1 yr. DH should have told immediately after marriage that all these gossips are not acceptable and keep the communication weekly instead of 24/7.
Click to expand...

You are both right and wrong here. Right that it is your husband's responsibility to prioritize family time. Wrong in that just because you both are now married, all the gossips from the desi divorce group are suddenly unacceptable. That is too controlling. You can be specific like for example say evenings, dinner time and weekends are reserved for family. You cannot control what he and that guy talk about such as gossip from that group. If your husband didn't draw the boundary, you also crossed boundaries by texting scolding that guy.

If the job situation is so unbearable and the boss keeps calling and talking personal stuff, quit the job. Can't do that, right? So, hunker down, keep looking for a job, and then quit.

lavani · Apr 4, 2024

senorita2019 said: ↑

DH is doing some certification to slowly move into other team so he is not the manager and there are no interactions. this guy is very lonely and mentally unstable, needs someone to constantly talk to him and give attention and support him. he is 60 and still so clingy
Click to expand...

Lonely are people in marriage who live like roommates too. you have been there in past, so you get it. but that does not mean you can fix everyone's life. there is no much can be done here. he can suggest therapy. your dh needs to plan exit well, in team or outside company.

also at 60 a man talk about his relationships with other women is quite unstable.

DDream · Apr 4, 2024

Give your husband some space. Let him manage his workspace headaches, professional issues himself. You can give him support, provide suggestions if needed. Let him be an adult and respect it.
You are his wife, not mother to protect. He has to grow up and tackle it. You can discuss your need or desire to spend time with him.

When you expect others to respect boundaries, please respect it too. Even if it was annoying, messaging a collegue/ boss of your husband was not a good approach, very controlling, you disrespected your husband, boss too,this way. Is not healthy for your marriage. You need to appolagize to your H.

How do you feel if he do the same to your collegue for whatever reasons. How humiliating it will be? Your reaction was based on emotions and not based on logic.

I understand your thoughts and intentions. Your H can decide not to answer boss after certain hours or after working hours unless its urgent. If its a bad place to work, he can explore other options, quit and find another job. Looks like his boss was too comfortable to share his very personal adventures to your H and he was ok with it, even though its not professional. Let your H face this issue by himself. Ofcourse he has to prioritize whats important and provide family time. You have every right to raise your concern to your H. But he has to find a way to stop it. So, learn from this experience and dont make your H shutdown. Handle with care.

paru123 · Apr 4, 2024

You should have told your husband to fix time with his manager for his calls. After office time no need to entertain his calls. Since your husband is indebted to him because of the job, he should slowly try to find another job.

senorita2019 · Apr 4, 2024

Thanks for all inputs, me messaging him was the last resort. If my DH doesnt pick up his calls or responds to his texts, he immediately messages me to check on him. Since we were all friends initially he always took both of us for granted.

also my DH himself said its hightime I directly tell him as a friend as he feels my DH owes his life to him as he helped with his job. I composed the text and showed to DH and sent.

DH tried very decently to avoid but sometimes people dont get the hint or pretend not to get hint.

he was at some point asking DH to talk to a single women that he was planning to date which was the last straw.

mangaii · Apr 6, 2024

Your dh should find a job asap
You texting him was wrong it doesn’t matter whether you had your husband’s blessing or not
Be grateful he was provided with an opportunity in this market
Your statement that friends will single group will have negative energy is judgmental
Looks like the guy comes with a package job + gossip . Either take it or quit the job.

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