Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

His parents are not going to vanish in thin air after marriage.
His parents are part and parcel of marriage.
You cant just have guy.
Peace and respect is more important than love in marriage.
If both are not there love slowly evaporates.
If can not go against his parents now, then he wont ever.Dont assume he will change.
Guy who want dowry can not ,does not love you.
You are entering trap.
Be brave cut losses.
Love can happen again in life.Please dont believe it happens only once and marry just for that.
Please tell your parents you dont want to marry this guy as he do not have good character and you were wrong in your choice.

 

Op, I have a different take on this subject. I have a feeling your boyfriend may have chosen you seeing all the plus points. You are settled in US , loaded. When in love, everything is seen in rose tinted glasses.If your boyfriend didn't object to the root of all this greed ( your in laws house) when they demanded then he is is pally to it.And on top, he went right ahead and told you its normal says a lot of things unsaid.

Marriage is just the beginning of demands. Any function will come with DIL's parents are supposed to do this. Your boyfriend is mute spectator to it.

Don't think that word will spread and you wont be able to get married. Don't you think the word will spread that your bf's parents are money hungry family. I have heard lots of people who broke engagements and are happily married again. Remove that thought.

You can put your boyfriend's love to test. Tell him your parents cant afford the marriage and ''gifts'' becoz your dad lost some money in investments and will have to repay. If you can elope , all will be fine. If he says yes, he is in love with you.If not he is in love with money behind you. Better be safe than sorry. You are escaping yrs of misery associated with money hungry in laws and spineless hubbies. Good Luck.

 

Once in a while our inner voice speaks to us. It gets louder and louder over time.

This answers your question.

 

[QUOTE="GoodVibes

I do have a crazy fear that as everyone in our "caste" is aware that I'm in love with my BF, if I choose to walk away, I know much unnecessary gossip will be made about me & it may act as a deterrent for other matches to come?? I know what I expressed sounds regressive, especially as I've grew abroad, but I can't help feeling this way.[/QUOTE]
OP, I can't say that people won't talk about this but there will also be people who would admire you. And even if they won't, why bother, it's your life.
Why are you so hung up on marrying someone from your caste? There are incredible men out there who may belong to a different part of India or even a different country but still share the same values. Character of the person you are going to spend rest of your life with is more important than caste/ religion/nationality.
Good luck!

 

This answers your question!

 

Honestly I got this feeling too, I was not sure if I should say it in as many words. Good Job chocolate.

OP, where do you guys think you will live after the marriage? India or US? Are you citizen? If he thinks you should pay up because his parents accepted your alliance, what else will you have to pay up for? Think carefully before you proceed. All the "caste and creed people" will not come to help you when you suffer with such manipulative inlaws and a puppet husband

 

Op...his parents have accepted marriage and now you have to pay up for letting them marry their prince.
What are you?
Damaged goods?How bad are you that you have to pay a truck load of gold and goodies to off load you in marriage?
Does it not hurt your self respect?
Does it not make you feel bad?

Sorry to hurt your feeling ...but better be hurt on the internet by a stranger than be hurt in life by someone 'you love'.

Cheers Op.....hope you take the right decision.
Just because you don't live in India....don't let this guy and family hoodwink you and your family that this is how guys get married in India. This forum mostly has Indian women posting on it.

Just wondering...what is so special about this guy that his family is expecting to get a town in dowry(Yes DOWRY...not GIFTS)?

.......................................................................................
Read this on facebook.

When a woman asks for it...it is called prostitution .
When a man asks for it...it is called dowry.

 

That means he is supporting his family's demands. You call them dowry or gifts or status symbols, they still remain the same. Run girl run while you still can. I had a proper arranged marriage paid for by my family and executed by ILs as they belong to another language. My family sent gifts for ILs at the time of marriage as per our traditions - over and above the agreed expenditure. But ILs were unhappy with them - they were too less. Since nobody from their side had seen my home before marriage, they had (ILs) no idea of our family. All dowry demands started after marriage once they understood that my family could finance them. This is not dowry - it is extortion. They did not want anything pre marriage and a list including an SUV came out after marriage (SUV my parents cannot afford. I have another married sister - then they have to give her also). I dug in my heels and refused to ask my parents for anything. My MIL also tried this renaming business. It didn't make it any better or sweeter. And yes they are telugus only. In the beginning I was told tall stories about MILs parents' wealth. But later I realized that my parents came from same or even better off families. Once my husband realized that most people in extended family were better off than us, this bragging cooled down considerably. But that happened because I did not give in to their demands. I have a total of around 20 first cousins of both genders and only 1 got married with a dowry (some special circumstances). In all the other marriages nothing was asked for and nothing was given apart from girls family funding the marriage, the usual sweets and clothes for all and clothes and jewels for the bride. And among north indians the in laws also have a separate reception, else the marriage expenses were split. In my marriage my parents funded the marriage in their place and a reception in our city as many people of our side would not be able to travel so far. When I went home for the first time I was told of a list of the gold and clothes I was supposed to bring. Clothes I got, gold I didn't. I do now only as per my family's customs. And please understand that such people exist everywhere. I know such people in my home state also.

Please understand that today when you are in your parents home and technically they have no rights over you, they are behaving such. And never correlate education with it. Common sense and mental progression is independent of education. My grand MIL was more open than my own MIL even though she was MILs real atta. Born and brought up in the same family and village. My MIL is very progressive so far her own daughter is concerned. She supports the fact that SIL does not live with her ILs as her MIL puts restrictions, when her MIL is a million times better than mine. It is a public forum so I dont want to give too many details. But when you are talking of traditions, be ready for these archaic traditions also. Some of the traditions my MIL has found for me are thse that her own daughter says - do not exist. But when your husband sides with yur MIL you either follow them or walk out of the marriage. What will happen when you are married and under their thumb? Believe me living with anybody who does not respect you is more difficult than living without love. Most people find love in marriages when they have caring partners. But all the love flies out of the window if the guy and his family does not value you. As some poster has commented above, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. I have been through the former and an extremely difficult marriage so I know the pain of both. I am a little incoherent but please believe me they are real circumstances of my life. And irony - the real reason I was married to my husband was that they were interested in me and only me and convinced that they would take very good care of me. Please think about the entire thing with a cool head and decide accordingly. Wish you all the best for your life.

Warm regards,
Lakshmi

 

Their response towards you about dowry when they say "how dare you speak to us like this & we could have got more from anyone else" speaks volumes about their nature.........It is good that you have got to know about their expectations before marriage itself...........Imagine if you are innocent now and get to know their real nature after marriage.........it would be your biggest shock......

Regarding decision whether to go forward or not in marriage............You have to contemplate well...........opinions will pour in a forum............but decision should be yours after giving it a good thought.........You have to decide firmly about the type of person and family that might suit you...whether you are willing to adjust or you want to wait for a better future.............

Otherwise either ways you may repent your decision later if you blindly follow any one's advise in forum................