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Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by GoodVibesOnly, Sep 10, 2016.

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  1. GoodVibesOnly

    GoodVibesOnly Senior IL'ite

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    Hello ladies,

    Thank you for reading my post and your advice would be much appreciated.

    My wedding is scheduled for February 2017, after finally (after much drama) convincing my BF parents. Initially my BF and I met in a arranged marriage setting, however his parents were not keen on proceeding with the match due his older sister, who is now in her late 30s, still not being married, plus the parents in general (which I found out later to be very greedy and quiet manipulative). However, my BF fell in love with me at first sight & I reciprocated the same feeling as well, hence we swapped numbers and stayed in touch over the past 1 year and gradually feel even more in love. Recently this August, his parents agreed to our marriage, I was overjoyed, nevertheless my happiness was short-lived, as troubles began again.

    His parents insisted that the marriage talks should only proceed through the match maker, hence the match maker started acting as the middle man. My BF's parents told the match maker that they would like my parents to give me almost 1.5kgs of gold, 5 kgs of silver, furniture for the US house, along with 400 grams of gold set for his sister (it is in our tradition that we give the future sister in-law a gift at the time of the wedding), also some property in my name, along with a grand engagement & wedding. My BF's parents insisted that this is not dowry, rather "gifts," but we knew better. My BF's parents always showed off that they were people of high morals, hence they would never take dowry, but this was clearly a lie for the general public. My parents are currently in the process of negotiating these dowry demands with them, when I found out and I was surprised and angered at the same time. I grew up in the US since I was 6 years old to a very conservative family; at the same time I know how to stand my ground. After hearing the dowry demands, I called my BF to ask if this was true. My BF is current on a holiday to India to visit his parents, so I called the landline to speak to him regarding this, he didn't warn me that the landline was on speaker, so his mother heard everything & shouted in the background "how dare you speak to us like this & we could have got more from anyone else." I think it's fair to say she was pissed & I was embarrassed that she heard our conversation as it was meant to be between me & my BF only.

    I've waited over a year for the match to progress this far, even though I was aware my BF's parents hate me, I love him truly, hence I kept fighting for our love, but at every turn the parents are making it impossible for us to be together.

    My question now is my BFs mother is pissed off at me for my forward questioning of their dowry demands (they feel insulted with the word dowry begin used, but would prefer "gifts"), and she may even call off the wedding. Should I keeping fighting for my love or cut my loses and run, as progressing further can be very difficult?

    I’m very confused and torn at the moment. Your advice would be very useful. Thank you.
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @GoodVibesOnly ,
    you have not mentioned your BF's reaction and thinking on the demands made. What about your parents?
    Are your BFs family of such social standing that on agreeing to all these 'gifts', you will stand to gain finally in terms of inheritance etc? For me, all this demands do not brood for a good relationship in the long run. When your MIL to be is against you now itself for having voiced your concern , what affection or respect can you expect once you are married. Only you can take a stand whether your love for your BF is above all this, and you still want to go ahead. I personally feel it is better for your parents to talk to them openly and not beg and crib for their acceptance.
     
  3. GoodVibesOnly

    GoodVibesOnly Senior IL'ite

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    @joylokhi

    My BF's reaction was that its all part of tradition, he doesn't think it's a big issue. My BF grew up in India so he views such dowry as being normal, as most of his cousin sisters had to do the same. To be honest I'm unsure about the inheritance bit as it was never discussed & I just assumed that being the only son, that would be a normal progression. My parents at the moment are trying their best to please them with the gifts, but I personally believe they should accept what we can give them, rather than demanding more.
     
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    To put it bluntly, the demands from your in laws is appalling, as far as I am concerned and the major concerning issue apart from that is your BF above behaviour.
    Any guy, who had known you for one year and understood you, would be the first to fight for you on your behalf with his parents and would never have behaved like this.
    I might be wrong in thinking so, but your writing just makes me think only in this way.
    Make things straight with your boyfriend before going ahead. Don't regret later.
    Take care.
     
  5. GoodVibesOnly

    GoodVibesOnly Senior IL'ite

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    @vaidehi71

    My BF's point of view is that, it was a victory getting his parents to agree to our marriage & now the ball is in our court to meet his parents expectations in "gifts" as this is what everyone does.
     
  6. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    What are they going to 'gift' you ?
     
    nakshatra1, bron, yesican and 2 others like this.
  7. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, victory comes in leading a successful married life!
    If just to get the parents acceptance is considered victory, and keeping a blind eye on the requests or demands by his parents, does not seem correct from my POV. I had known guys who loved and waited for years to get the parents approval on both sides and finally the parents relented and they had a simple and elegant marriage and are leading fantastic lives.
    I do wish your BF too changes it and I hope you are able to discuss the same with him. Even if your parents are willing to give, the demand you had written seems too much. Maybe India is changing so fast, I am not sure.
    But discuss with your BF.
    Take care.
     
    bron, Metamorphic, NeetaR and 4 others like this.
  8. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    That sucks!! Not everyone does - gifts are never demanded. And when they, as a matter of right - what does it make of the one asking/demanding?
    Worse is this - Your BF viewing this as 'normal'. I think you should ask yourself how all of this will bode for your marriage, post the wedding. He shouldn't be telling you that his cousin sisters put up with X,Y,Z every time you folks have a difference of opinion. You are different period. Your parents-in-law, while being in India may try to control aspects of your life that even your parents didn't try changing.
    And just saying - "1.5 kgs of gold, 5 kgs of silver, furniture for the US house, 400 grams of gold set for sister-in-law, property in your name, along with a grand engagement & wedding" - it is a lot in INR!! Will your BF really get all this if he gets married to a parent approved mate? While your parents may be able to afford if they have been working in US for a really long time and because of the exchange rates; your BF's parents are being too greedy and if you 'feed' them now, you will have to keep feeding them!
    Tell your parents - India is not the same anymore. In most wedding these days, there is no 'asking'. And if you are telugu speaking, the groom's side also gives a lots of gifts (mostly gold) in return. What are you "getting" for all this - even materialistically speaking?
     
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  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    gifts are given not demanded... and their demands are outrageous...

    Not every Indian boy think that dowry is a part of tradition which should be followed...many understand that its an ugly tradition....and dowry is not normal...DOWRY IS CRIMINAL OFFENCE in India....it doesnt matter what your MIL thinks but it matters what your BF thinks....If i would have been at your place i would have run away from a BF like that...
    your BF seems to have male chauvinistic views where his parents had done enough by agreeing to marry their precious boy to you and you ladki waalas now please them by agreeing to their insane demands as every ladkiwaala does....
    RUN AWAY....if you dont have any problem in giving dowry and living like a dorrmat maid to his parents then marry otherwise run away....
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Unless you are both erstwhile Indian royal families marrying each other, these demands are excessive. 400 gm of gold for the SIL? Is your MIL planning to open a gold mart? And this is just for your wedding.
    Your parents will be asked to pony up for every little festival for the rest of their lives: first Diwali, Pongal, all poojas, when you have kids and so on. And you will also be gifting your SIL majorly for a lifetime. Are you ready to accept all this? Do your parents have the willingness and the means?
    Your MIL has the excuse of belonging to an older generation. Why is your fiance not making a progressive stand? It seems that he won't mind getting the loot in the name of 'gifts' from your parents. This does not bode well for you. You are marrying a mamma's boy and during your entire married life it is likely your husband will always take his parents' side and not stick up for you.
    Even if you discuss now with your fiance and agree not to do these 'gifts' will your MIL accept it or keep throwing it in your face for the rest of eternity? There was a recent thread from a woman about how her in-laws were dissatisfied with they way her parents performed the wedding and were constantly harping about this years after the fact.
    There are quality men out there. Bid adieu to these leeches while you can.
     
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