Loveless, sexless marriages and EMA

Either this or they might end up hating one parent and cling to the other parent whom they perceive as the victim.

There is also risk that they might have a tough time trusting their partner or spouse.

 

In the spirit of digression, It is the adult kids that I despise the most....Understood when one is young, one sees their father in a different light but when one is grown up and an adult things are different....How can they to forgive their father for the treatment he meted out to their mother - I am sorry, in my moral map I just cannot imagine that. I did not talk to my father for years, and our relationship is screwed even today because of something he told my adoptive mother (It does not have anything to do with EMA or anything), so maybe I have a different moral map. Sorry I just could not resist this!

 

Very valid points. You are right. divorce is a better alternative to EMA as a rule. I am not disputing that. I am talking about a few exceptions. There are quite a few who break rules. That is the fact of life. Most of these rule breakers are anti-social elements. Some exceptions deserve compassion is all I am saying. They too will get punished when caught. There acts are not justifiable either. But, we all can differentiate between those who steal millions despite society providing a good life to them and those who got slighted by society stealing a few bucks to get by. For some morals are a luxury, they can't afford. That is what I am talking about. In such cases, we need to understand the root causes and address those. We can protest the facts of our life all we want, it will not make a difference. EMAs are plenty. How many women with 3 kids, do we know getting divorced and remarrying? It is a better choice but is it viable choice in our society? As Ansuya mentioned I too hope the contradictions in our society are addressed soon.

 

Archana, your digression is very relevant here, at least to me. I have a similar relationship with my father (that is, not a good one) and as an adult, have come to the same conclusions as you in terms of my own moral compass (or map, as you put it).

So, your post has helped me to see why I am always so strenuously advocating for the rights of the children in these threads. Not to go all Dr Phil on you guys, but I cannot respect parents who expect their children to adjust, forgive, sympathize, act as surrogate spouses, and basically put up with all kinds of parental irresponsibility. As Archana points out, children are easily brainwashed when young, but as adults, they should be able to see the hollowness that was their parents' relationship, and might understandably and justifiably be resentful that they were co-opted into the whole melodrama without their consent or knowledge. No amount of financial support or fake domestic unity could make up for the betrayal this child would feel as an adult.

I also can't respect the woman, wife, and mother who exploits her victim status to the hilt. Yes, her husband treats her badly, yes, society would shame her for asserting her independence, and the list goes on and on. Sometimes, it's easier to be a martyr than to shake off your inertia and do what's right for you and your children. I've seen this in my own family, and I despise this sort of weakness. I have no doubt that some women are genuinely helpless, but not all victims are innocent. I think they learn to game the system, and even benefit from it, too.

I guess this is why this whole issue is leaving such a bad taste in my mouth. We can see from a lot of threads here on IL (especially the MIL ones) that many dis-empowered women develop devastatingly effective passive-aggressive skills. They learn to wheedle, manipulate, deceive, and act like Oscar winners to achieve their own ends, all the while pretending to be pious and submissive. Other women in the same position risk everything by standing up for themselves and their children and striving for a more authentic life, instead of buying into and perpetuating a system they claim to dislike.

It's clear not everyone can take the high road, because not everyone is the same. But I'm all out of sympathy for women who are complicit in their own suppression. To use the example that Shyamalajh mentions, do you really have to have three children before you realize your husband is a jerk and your marriage is a sham? If women keep ignoring the red flags and choose to mire themselves deeper in a bad situation, that's their choice. I won't judge. However, it is hard to remain neutral, understanding, and sympathetic when that woman makes those same bad choices for her children, and in return, expects their understanding and sympathy for her plight, and worse, their gratitude, because, "I did it all for you".

 

Arch,
Haven't we seen some celebrity kids forgiving their father for Ema to ensure their place in his will or to use his influence to further their career? We might never know if the forgiveness was real or for some reason.

Ansuya,
Your opinion about the woman exploiting her victim status to the hilt is very valid.
Because most of the time, it is her DIL who ends up paying the price for all this as this lady manipulates her son to fill his dad's shoes.

 

My relationship with my father too was strained due to his verbally abusive behavior toward my mother. I couldn't
forgive him until his death. His death somehow made me intensely guilty for not forgiving him. I don't know why? but this is the only regret in my life. I wish I had forgiven him and could give credit to his good behavior. I feel, I was very selfish. I feel,it wasn't really about my mom , it was about myself. My mom could appreciate the good in him as much as she was vocal about his abusive behavior when he was in normal mood. I wish, I was more balanced. I still feel sad for him. I don't know if my feelings of guilt are weird or normal. Except for that one thing, there were many things about him that were truly praise worthy. Well, he stayed in my home after marriage many times. I took my parents to many places. But it was like he tagged along with my mom. I was doing it all for my mom and he just came along. I never really did much for him. Also, mom managed all finances and property. He always took her advice on most things. He did love her. But he had these strange weakness and he would get verbally very abusive toward her. He was verbally and physically abusive toward my brother, who in turn was emotionally and psychologically abusive toward me in my childhood, which he admitted and apologized for. I am trying hard to forgive my brother and move on. It is very hard. Strangely my father was very loving toward me. He believed girls will have hard life after marriage, so they should be pampered before marriage. Thank god! I chose a right partner for myself.

 

Shyamalajh, in the specific case/situation you are talking about, I was not talking about the morality aspect at all, I totally understand your point on compassion and exception for a few who are helpless.

My only concern the risk or cost of getting into EMA and getting busted. Her husband might leave her, she would ruin her life and her daughter's as well. If she can find some reliable person, then may be she could think about it. In her situation, someone can potentially use her, using blackmail, and her daughter too. Well, I'm a pessimist sometimes, can't help thinking negative consequences.

 

I understand that the discussion has deviated from the main topic to children, and how kids get affected because of parent's behaviour.

Here i would like to highlight some of the things which i went through....

Just after my second kid was born, i was having a tiff with my husband as to why he is not with me in hospital and why he is roaming with his female staff, even on the day of kid's birth. My elder daughter was loving and she was just 5 years old and decided to remain with me till i was discharged from hospital. It was a slightly complicated surgery too. But in spite of that, my so called H went away leaving me with the care of my mother. Even if i die, i will not forgive him for that!!!. The hatred remains fresh.

Not to deviate from what i want to convey, but added my feelings!!

So when i was having tiff over this after he came back (after a week), my elder daughter was noticing that. And after that too, many many incidents when he used to mentally abuse me, i tolerated, but sometimes i burst out saying that 'dont expect me to adjust like how MIL adjusted to FIL'. And so on. It continued and continued, there were other financial issues as well and i decided to part and live a separated life along with my daughters.

During this period of time, my daughters' performance at school was below average. She was neither performing well, nor a happy child. I believe she was really affected to see all the fights, etc. After i got separated, i too concentrated on her, she started improving and she is the topper in her class now!. Believe me, a loveless marriage, not only affects the partners, it also affects the kids.

Now, for those people who say that the partner has to adjust through the loveless marriage, for the sake of kids, i would say they are doing a blunder. They are spoiling their life as well as their kids psychologically. I believe being alone is better than a loveless marriage, even it means that kids will have only one parent always. They may keep in touch with the other parent, and they may have void feeling about the other parent missing in their life. But it is surely better for them to live with a single parent, than being together with fighting parents. They will realise it once they are parents!!!!!

 

FE 40.... :hatsoff for taking a bold (right) decision ....