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Love/Hate affairs with Arguments - Part II

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Shanvy, Dec 9, 2008.

  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Had been talking about educative arguments in the last blog, and also had mentioned will discuss arguments in relationships here, which I call constructive/productive arguments..

    Arguments and differences of opinion is part and parcel of any healthy relationship. The moment opinions are aired honestly without hurting each other, a solution can be arrived by analyzing them. A difference in opinion becomes a hurtful thing when the arguments turn into mean fights that continue over a period of time and get referred to at all points.

    Let us look at arguments in our life. As children, we argue with our sibling, most of the time it is to show that one has the power over the other, which is taken as a healthy aspect of growing. But it is healthy as long as those arguments don’t tend to take an ugly path it is fine.

    During our teens, many of us would have argued with our parents regarding going to a picnic, to a movie with friends. During our time, some of the parents did not know how to actually tackle the issue and simply would have said NO, and that would have been in our mind as a grudge for long.

    Friends, colleagues, we do argue and sometimes, we do lose them as a result of these arguments. I personally have lost a few friends because of not budging when I think I am right, but today, I just say come on, let us chill. (experience teaches a lot…)

    Today when I deal with my children, I try to voice out the pros and cons and do give them a choice, and also a chance to argue about their choice, which helps in me as a parent knowing how my child is developing emotionally and also that they feel are important as they are given a choice and they want to do the best thing.

    Wondering why spouse/ partner has come at the end of the list, well I feel arguments tend to take a different picture frequently in this relationship.

    Say the husband comes late, the wife instead of waiting starts “where were you” this is the start of an argument, because of the expectation of the wife, this could blow up into a big fight too. The same would just cool off if it stops at ok, I understand, you could have given me a call I was worried…ending with a sorry dear from the husband..

    The problem arises when the accusations start, you are always finding excuses, this is not the first time….

    In arguments, the feelings, resentments, frustations, grievances which could become more difficult in moments and frustrate both parties. If only we learn to stop the argument and learn to be non-judgemental, with a little bit of more understanding and more patience to listen, to the other person, most of the problems are solved.

    At the same time, if there are arguments that seem repetitive in the context, then it is sure there is a problem that needs to addressed and clear of any misunderstanding between the two.

    Arguments need not always be shouting matches between people. In couples, arguments should be used to convincing a point, and winning in the relationship rather than fighting the person. The personal ego should not play traitor during this.

    In any constructive or productive arguments, there are certain norms to be followed, never criticize the person, never talk with contempt and never withdraw into yourselves and stop talking, which causes more damage than is seen/sensed, at the first instant..
    Always acknowledge the partners view instead of a mono-arguments. Never start arguing with a predetermined, pre-defined assumptions and explanations.

    Would like to sign off with two quotes that have made me think a lot…:coffee
    .
    Gay Andericks says “Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments; they've had the same argument hundreds of times.”

    Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute says Josh Billings…

    So what do you think about my affairs with arguments???
     
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  2. deeyash

    deeyash New IL'ite

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    Dear Shanvy

    Nice write up, what you have said is 100%true and i totally agree with you. EGO, self esteem, pride should never come in between relationships. It is very much important to first understand the person's feeling and its very necessary to discuss issues rather than arguing. We should always try to maintain a healthy argument if at all an argument is a stand point.
    Thank you very much for sharing such a wonderful thought.
    Regards
    Deeyashu
     
  3. Mindian

    Mindian IL Hall of Fame

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    dear shan,

    a wonderful thought provoking blog which i will TRY to keep in mind when i am just in that MOOD for an argument...agree with u a hundred percent ..only problem is i will promptly forget all this when dh comes in late without giving me a call...but because of YOU now SEE,I AM going to change...

    mindi
     
  4. Amywos

    Amywos Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Shanvy, that was a nice write up. There are times where arguments are purely arguments but sometimes they are fights in form of arguments. For the latter I always follow what you had given in the second quote :)

    Nice write up !
     
  5. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Shanthi
    Read both your posts..............
    You have sumed up well. Arguing for a good and healthy cause is always good but arguing to hurt someone and and even if your are wrong still argue on the issue is bad. But sometimes silence too wins and keeps the enviorment at peace.
     
  6. enlightened

    enlightened Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Shanthi,
    Well written...your article portrays many faces of an argument ....you have concluded well with a nice quote...keep it going!
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi friends,

    Sorry for being late in replying to you people who have taken the time to give me your wonderful fb's...
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for stepping in dear.

    I write from experience, when i say give a chance to the other person to present his case, most of the times, a small chance with a very open mind to present his/her case solves even the most serious issue..

    you are welcome
     
  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Sometimes i criticize myself am I trying to write a essay as somebody here commented..

    but even if it has helped a single person here, i am happy.

    now next time hubby comes late, give him a cup of coffee and then ask him to give you the explanation, he will come out clean with his reasonings...

    so next time relax first....and all the best....
     
  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    sometimes silence when you are arguing or fighting is so frustating, that you make the other person feel that he is nothing to you....again there are two schools of thought on the same..some say walk away from the place and some say finish it off....

    OH, boy, there were days when I used to be on my high Moods (because of hormonal problems and PMS) and hubby pie used to keep silent, not wanting me to blow the lid and he used to get for not opening his mouth too...now when i relax and think, it looks so silly..

    Thanks for stepping in here...
     

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