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Love Begets Love, What Should Silent Treatment / Go-to-your-parent's Beget?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bubbles, Jul 25, 2021.

  1. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    H and I had a fight, resulting in H telling me the next day to go back to India, let's separate. His reason was I was so stressed and depressed and frustrated and he's done with all the drama and unpleasantness.
    It was not said lightly or in a fit of anger, but thought out and measured and conveyed.
    It has been a rough year, and lots of issues, but we still managed to hold together until a recent fight made him go full on silent treatment, while I faced a major exam. It was painful, but I struggled on without showing it to him.
    Now this.

    I told him to inform my parents directly, and he went went forwards and backwards, and eventually refused to. Just caused pain for my family as well.
    I walked away, gave my kid lunch and slept off again in sheer exhaustion- two back to back days of fights, one whole night crying..took its toll.
    Woke up, came to kitchen, and the front door opened - he had ordered food for himself, not telling me nor asking me if I wanted anything to eat? (It was his honor code, no matter what he will not show it on food) Some gravy he had ordered was left on the table.
    As he had already conveyed that he wants to be separated, and that means he doesn't care about me no matter how much I wish otherwise.... I didn't let that ruffle me. I was tempted to order in myself - maybe I should have.. but went ahead with my coffee. At this point, I hadn't eaten anything since the previous afternoon, except for a bowl of cereal in the morning.
    I put the dishwasher, and made dinner gravy. Took care of my kid. At dinner time, I made dosas for my kid and myself, ate, and left. Did not put dosas for him, nor make a side dish for him at night - my usual task.

    I didn't feel it was wrong. But now I am having second thoughts. I have always been struggling with this concept. It has been my honour code as well that no matter what, I will not show it on food. But I have faced my share of silent treatment and months of misery, and this year for the first time, I did not cook for him after the last fight. For one evening. But then resumed. Maybe twice before, I have not cooked at all - not for him or me, when I had been sobbing away in misery.
    Is it fair to not cook for your spouse, when he has clearly conveyed he wants nothing to do with you?
    He hasn't taken away my access to his credit card, or told me he won't pay for my studies(yet). So at least until now, he is still financially supporting me. So am I wrong?
    Another part of me says I am not denying him food - unlike what he would be doing, if he denies me money. He can still cook, make his own from what we have at home etc or buy. Unlike my situation where I am dependent on him, financially too. (no I am not talking about making purchases and spending on myself here... but bare essentials, roti kapda makan, and exams...)

    Help me wrap my head around this confusing situation... I having trouble balancing my sense of self respect vs whatever duty I probly have, as long as I am 'married' to my spouse, however I-dont-care-about-you he is... (what are those said duties?)

    P.S: Sorry abt the long intro..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2021
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  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    When you cooking anyway make for him also, no big deal. If he doesn’t eat then u pack in fridge or throw but at least u will have no guilt. Time heals everything so give some time and meditate. Focus on your health, your exams, you kid and try to be in peace. Fights crying sobbing hurt you only so try not to think anything and carry on your work. Time will heal wounds. When your mind is calm then think what do you want. All couples fight but those who resolve peacefully they survive and maintain relationships. take care
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Don't take these words to heart.
    If he dont want you, he might have already moved out. He did this to punish you.

    Nexttime if he utter seperation or divorce, you have to tell him. Ok, if thats what you want, fine. But I am not going to leave USA. Its arranged marriage, it will be done formally. If you want , go and talk to your parents and relatives. Don't talk a word again and walk away. Watch your body language and tone.

    He won by punishing you. You have to show you dont care.
    Give some time to cool down. Behave as if nothing happened. Cook and eat as usual. If you want prepare special dishes for you and enjoy. What you generally do. Do that. Dont change your routine or way of interacting. Keep food in fridge or table as usual. If he want, he can eat. Atleast you will be happy

    Focus on you, your kid, and exam. See how you are dependent on him. Try to be independent, financially too, that will make you confident.

    What you will gain by crying, or not eating. No one cares. You only suffer. So use this time to takecare of yourself. You have to show that you are happy without him. But he may expect you to go after him, dont do that. Be happy, well dressed and pleasant.

    Also, you can introspect what is the issue from your side as you can control only yourself not him. Why he thinks you are negative. No one wants to be near an unhappy person. You should learn how to disagree in an assertive and composed way instead of arguing, nagging and complaining. Start sentence with 'I' than ' you'.

    Give some time, you will be fine. Dont go back and bring the past episodes. Past is done.Cheerup girl, take control of your life.
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2021
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  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    You would need a signed authorization from your husband in order to take your child with you on an international flight. You can google [look for Child Travel Consent/Authorization Form] and get the format, print and get him to sign that document right away. You can date it later, when you are ready to leave.... on another future fight.

    IMO, the person who is financially dependent should not start/escalate fights .... but look for a suitable time to start the fight when the battle could be won. We follow this rule at our employment -- we just don't piss off the institution that signs the paycheque without having a plan-B. The same rule should work at home. Think back to why the fight started, and escalated..... and made the guy hanker for those peaceful times before he married you... to such an extent to invoke 3-talaqs.

    Added later: Just realized that I never got to the Title Question: :tonguewink:
    In your situation, it ought to beget Apologies to your husband... as profuse as you can manage it. It is apparent that you've never heard of the phrase "stoop to conquer", or know how to work a salary mule without getting kicked.
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2021
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  5. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    So the general consensus is, no matter what the wife should cook for the husband, do the dishes, and keep quiet?
    No, I get it, about the financial dependence and not making it a big fight... how much do you keep stooping? Until u find the means to escape the hits... it is very difficult to keep taking it, it pushes me into vexation, frustration, depression (I don't use these words lightly).
    I suppose it has become more of a question of power - what someone can or can't do to you rather than a question of what is fair/right/duty.

    I'm deeply hurt by my spouse's 'suggestion' - it is basically a different way of saying, its my way or the high way. I don't think that is decent or fair way to treat your spouse, especially if the spouse put herself at a disadvantage at multiple levels over several years to conform to your ambitions. I admit that it was totally my fault to have acceded to that.
    Hmmmmm, sorry I was going to say how it is not fair - but this situation is not about fair, is it? It is about (paraphrasing a local saying) knowing your delicate garment has fallen on a thorn bush, and having to figure out how to extricate it without tearing the fragment...
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You have the option to go for divorce or seperation. Is that you want. Do you have a supporting system in India. Its better not to depend on any body.

    Be practical. Its not fair to bring seperation in a discussion. If it was an argument, its mostly emotional.
    If you want you can starve, keep on crying.. Whats the use. The stress will lead to health problems. Only you will suffer. He dont care. Thats why l mentioned to you to cook for you (or buy food), eat and relax. If he want, he can take it ( I wont deny food ). Its very important to takecare of our health when we are in a stressful situation.

    If I were you, I will eat good food, or prepare specials, go for shopping, spent time with friends, watch shows/ movies I like, pamper myself , read books or invest time on hobbies, takecare of my health and beauty, do things I like , focus on my career and kids instead of torturing or neglecting myself. If I dont treat me well, how can expect anyone including dh to respect or love me.

    The better option is to cool down and takecare of yourself, ignore him for the time being, till you have the clarity on what to do. You can also try marriage counselling.

    I think you have not explained here the core issue. Both of you had a fight, both contributed . But there are some ongoing issues. So give some time to cool down.
    You have to ask yourself what you want and work towards acheiving them. You should be your top priority now.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2021
  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    The lack of details may be due to the anxiety about revealing too much to compromise the actual real-world identities of the warring parties. There was a post about this a little while back:
    There is a real world "circle" who are already privvy to much detail. They would surely be helping this couple.

    And besides, most such fights ---the accumulated discontent over the 7 years of marriage -- start with a small itch, and sufficient history of sufferings and sacrifices get cross-referenced in the back-&-forth dialogue, eventually nobody knows why the fight started. However the review of the history of the married life puts the highlights back on all the dug up angsts, and now the combatants are in their corners, getting advice on how to tackle the next round. You say "chill out", I say "get child-travel consent document signed", and buy time: throw in the towel for now, go back to training, and come back stronger in the next season, and get a knockout in 3 rounds. [... I am now influenced by the Olympics]
     
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  8. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Hi OP,

    I am hoping you are safe wherever you are. I saw your post quite late but wanted to share a few things which i followed/ did. There was a time a period of 3-4 years when i continuously fought with my husband. It was a living hell at home for me. But like all other things, it was a phase - passed away. I am better now. I hit the rock bottom but here i am now - stronger and calmer. Just a few cents form my end as to how i tackled things....

    Fights happen. It is impossible for a couple not have fights. How serious is the fight? Is it so much that you would want to separate? Forget about what he said. People react in different ways for the same thing. I am asking you if you really want to separate from your husband.

    Few years ago, my husband's only defense for any fight was "I want a divorce. I am moving out now. I dont care for anything, you will not be able to track or find me". The first few times i heard it, i was inconsolable. After hearing it for probably 100th time, during a midnight fight, in a fit of anger, i packed all his bags and put it out of the room and told him that either he moves out or he stays in. If he moves out, the bags are ready, but if he wants to stay in, then he has to stop talking about divorce or separation was my ultimatum. Its been a few years now since i heard that threat again.

    So my question again is do you want to separate or do you want to live together? If you want to separate, then you can just ignore him and continue. If not, then you clearly and calmly tell him that he can't talk about separation or divorce. You tell him that you are not going to let him go or let him to leave you. You have put in a lot of effort into making this marriage to make it work so far. He has put in too...acknowledge that. Tell him you wont leave.

    Exactly. You had an arranged marriage. You guys didnt just decide to do something and start living together immediately. Two families were involved. So it is equally hard to separate as well or rather one person cant just get up and leave at a moment's notice no matter how fed up they are. So, ask him to talk to his parents and your parents since it is HIS idea of separation not yours and that you don't want one.

    Its good. Sleep as much as you wont. Once you are awake, you will feel better and have energy and good ideas to tackle the issues.

    OP, never ever forget/ stop cooking food for your husband. It doesnt matter he does it for you or not. You did your duty. Its your duty to cook and ensure everyone in the house is fed. So just do that. He doesnt eat, its his problem. Eventually, there will come a time when even that will be pointed out that she didnt even cook for me. At that moment, you cant say, he didnt order food for me. Honestly nobody would even care if the guy makes for himself or not. They would make it into an issue if a lady does that.

    But seriously is it a hassle to make 2 more dosas or rotis? or cook a half a glass more rice?

    Even to this day, if my husband gets angry, the first thing he does is cook for himself. I have stopped feeling bad. I cook as usual for all of us. Trust me the third day he is back eating whatever i cook. And those two days he cooks for himself, i cook what i like to eat. Otherwise, usually i ask him what he wants. Those days it is usually what i like.

    Dont have second thoughts. What is done is done. Think what you want to do going forward. My suggestion, just cook and be done. If it is not eaten, its his problem, not yours.

    OP, a marriage between the two of you was done by your elders. IT happened legally, properly. Just coz of a small fight, he cant deny you the money for your survival or support. He should not actually. Where you are living is equally your house, just as it is his.

    He might say he doesnt want anything to do with you. But think what you want. Do you want to live with him or just separate?

    If you want to live with him, then you need to initiate the conversation and try to sort your issues by being calm and rational. It took me an year to get my husband back to where i wanted. For 1 year, i tried continuously to win him back and i was able to. Ofcourse, he started showing a little reciprocation after a month of me trying to patch things up. So i knew i was on the right course and continued.

    For that 1 year and even now, i let go of my ego and stopped thinking about my self-respect and stuff like that. It doesnt mean i begged and cried. Just that, i let of his taunts and focused on his positives.

    Again, i feel this approach of his money, my money kind of brings a little bit of distance. Let it be our money. Even now, i tell my husband its my money but he knows what i do with it and where i spend it. I know about his too. I mean, if i save an X amount, he knows about that saving and that i know about his. I am not endorsing that you should spend while he doesnt or something like that.

    I am not aware of what your problems are. But i usually dont let money come into the picture of fights.

    If he honestly didnt care about you, maybe he wouldnt have backed down from talking to your parents. But somewhere he still does is what i feel. Give it time. Meanwhile just go about being yourself. Be open to your husband -- open as in warm enough to give him an indication that you are ready to bury the hatchet.

    Think if this issue is worth losing your husband or separating from your husband. If it is the worst case scenario, then i am sure you would know. If not, then try to patch things up.

    Meanwhile, spend some time introspecting. Try and analyze why you guys fight and if there is any change even 1% change you can do to minimize it, do it. Try and motivate yourself and be strong. If you are feeling depressed or de-motivated, try and get some therapy or whatever works for you. Concentrate on yourself and see how you can be stronger. Looks like you are studying and going to probably work soon. Concentrate on that. Problems will always be there. We just need to be stronger to face them.
     
  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Excellent post !!
    Even training a dog is a patient and painful slog. Training a higher mammal has to take plenty more time, especially after a few years of letting it run loose any which way it wants, and acquire bad habits.

    The OP, while reading such personal histories, must take heed to the standard disclaimer: HER MILEAGE MAY VARY.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2021
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  10. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you @beautifullife30, that felt like you were talking to me in person, and I have been reflecting on your words, and @DDream 's. I don't know if Hopi sir is teasing me, or advising me - or maybe both, I'm afraid I don't feel clearheaded enough to understand..

    There was a lot hurt and anger, so I took some time to cool down, and reflect. Can't really say it cleared up my head fully, but the situation changed, and H criticized me for not cooking for him, and I used that opportunity to talk to him to clear the air...somewhat.

    I have started cooking, dishes etc. Yet I can't stop the question surfacing in my head : why should I spend several hours every day just to cook and clean, why is it my 'job'? Too much of a feminist head, probably, but I need to placate it. And I don't have a satisfactory answer for this one. Acceptance would be one, but I am not there yet : I just feel like I have have submitted.

    We have issues to sort. I don't know how to go about it; I have tried several ways and every time it's like 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. I have talked about counseling, and he doesn't want to come. He says he cannot talk about personal problems to a stranger. I am thinking of going by myself, after my studies phase is done, but feel concerned that my seeking external help will only push him further away (if such a thing were possible).
    I am stressed by the situation I find myself in, and feel pretty hopeless.
    I want to be assertive, I have tried helping myself...I have some awareness of my problem, and the solution is a long road ahead, a very narrow track with not much space to err/take chances.
    Ultimately, I need to be become self-reliant, emotionally and practically.

    But this thread was not started for all this - I find myself frequently questioning the fairness and the justice in the situation. I get pulled in both directions, self-righteous anger (which in most cases is not constructive in a relationship standpoint), and just keep doing whatever is expected to the best of your capacity... Struggling to get some clarity on the middle path...
     

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