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Loosing My Mind

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ciny, Nov 7, 2017.

  1. Ciny

    Ciny New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies

    I have been married for 6+ years. It was an arranged marriage. My husband's was after us for the alliance.I belong to a middle class family. My father never contributed anything for us.Now my brother is also the same. He was/is too lazy to work and mom took care of the family.

    I started working part-time jobs since high school to help my mom.After college started working in a reputed MNC and got great appreciation for my hard work. I was always respected by everyone for my simplicity,kindness and hard work. We have told my husband's family that we do not have anything to give them and can only bear the wedding expenses. They agreed to everything and we got married.

    I quit for job to live abroad with my husband. Since I had work visa i wanted to look for a job again . Since I am not from IT field he said you will not be able to get a job. I told him I am ready to do any job as I am not used to be dependent on anyone. He said that with my education I wont even get a job in a petrol bunk. I felt very bad and stopped looking for jobs. There always something or the other. Mil used to taunt that my parents could not give gold and what not.

    We had to go to India as my husband changed jobs . He never used to give me money to go anywhere. He used to give Rs 100 and asked me to go my bus. I could not ask my mom for money as she was still struggling to payback my wedding expenses. There were lots of fights and mil,sil drama that happened while I was there. He left abroad and did not even bother to give me some money for my expenses in India. Mentally i had go through a lot taunting,silent treatment ,blaming and what not. After I returned to the States it became even worst. He used call me useless,fit for nothing. I took troll on my health and could not conceive on my own. By the way our Sex life was never so great. I had to through fertility treatment . If any of our friends get pregnant i used to get taunted.Finally I got pregnant. I never got any emotional support from him .He doesn't share anything with me. All the major decisions are discussed with mil and she will take approval from SIL. During pregnancy he never used to pamper since mil was here she used to get pampered.

    I used to do all the cooking and everything till my due date. I could not ask mom to come as it will be difficult for her quit job as it is the only source of income for her. After delivery i had post par tum depression. And my used to start taunting me to get a job. I took some courses and did certifications. Got a job worked for few months .But could not survive as it was different field and I was not confident and lot of anxiety. With everything go in life . I feel so lonely all the time not able share my feelings with anyone, I am not able to mingle with people like I used. I am not able to hide feelings anymore . I feel like my inner happiness is gone. Although I have good friends I am not able to express what I feel.

    My husband sleeps in a different room.Its been more than a year now. Although he is good father. I can feel he is not not interested in me . He hardly talks if i ask him he says if we talk we will fight. He never helps in any household chores. He finds a fault in every thing I do. Compares me with other working women and how they are able to manage job,home and kids. He never compliments me for any thing. I am a good cook everybody loves to eat my food. But he will make some senseless comment.As much I wish his words should not bother me. Its eating me from inside. Even if I try telling him he doesn't understand. I feel like I have no control over my life. He's very stubborn . I have been asking him that I want to visit India for few months he said he cannot live without our daughter and said I can visit and come back. I asked him how can I leave her with him. He doesn't even feed her milk and nobody saw her daughter India. This went on for almost a year. Few months ago he said we should plan for a kid and if I get pregnant I can go to India and told me that should tell him when I ovulate so that we can make love or we can go for IUI . I was hurt and told him I will not do that.

    Now he is asking us to go to India for good and keeps saying did you start packing your bags and we will sell all the things that are not necessary as you will be leaving to India. He says after 6 months he will decide if i can come back or not. If I go to India he will try to control me with money. He will not give me any money while I stay at my parents home. So that I will stay at his place. I am loosing my mental peace with this man. I don't know what I should be doing.

    Please help me ladies
     
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  2. Ciny

    Ciny New IL'ite

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    Sorry for super long post
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    wrong .in usa you can get some job easily unlike india. you should have searched
     
  4. Ciny

    Ciny New IL'ite

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    I got EAD and started looking for jobs and in the meanwhile he got a full time job and changed to H1 and my EAD became invalid
     
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    You decide where u want to live in India or USA.
    Ignore ur husband just like he does.
    Get a job in USA,save ur money.
    I don't think ur husband will change for better.
     
    Archanaanchan likes this.
  6. Archanaanchan

    Archanaanchan IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    I personally feel that you should try for a job, i know its going to be tough with your daughter but that's even better than asking/relying on your husband for money. Get financially independent. If you are working on the software side you can take up courses currently on demand in market which would help you get a better pay. Once you are independent n earning some of your burden will lessen. Then think over how to tackle rest of the problems. I believe there are lot of suggestions/posts by the ladies here about the MIL and husband not treating well issues . You can just read through and see if some of the suggestions can help you sort things. Being strong in these situations is equally important. I hope you will have things sorted soon and i wish you you all the strength to get over your problems. Good luck :)
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    If u r really fed up of him or physical abuse starts divorce him and get child support from him
     
    Archanaanchan likes this.
  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Who is the sil to take decisions about your life.??.:smilingimp:.MIL you can adjust to a certain extent.
     
  9. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    You need to be financially independent, so get a job.. move to India if you cannot work in US. Or ask him to apply for your EAD if he wants you to stay in the US.
     
    Archanaanchan and sindmani like this.
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Is it possible for you to find a job in India. If so try for that. Is it possible to get a visa or job your self in US?

    Your dh is using your financial dependence to control and make you dance to his tunes. Learn to say NO where ever needed. Dont agree with each and everything

    Try for financial independence. That should be the first step. I think rest will follow. Completely focus your energy to find a job.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2017
    sindmani and Archanaanchan like this.

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