Long distance CRAP

hey tulipzzz,
okies if thats not gonna wrk..lets see....u stay in uk if am not wrng and u jus have to see ther faces once in a year max....so don take ne of this crap to ur head coz its not worth...they are jus ur immedieate family but not ur family(what i mean to say is they'r jus a part of ur life ).....so jus concentrate more on ur hubby....don push him too much to be a better person whn in india...its ok he'll come to his senses in his own terms whn ur not being too pushy or don show that u even care ...u kno wht tulipzzz ther are so many women who go tro rotten hell than wht ur goin tro...am not sayin its gonna be easy fr u but still all am sayin is thank GOD that u don have to put up with ther crap 24/7...its jus once a year....so relaxxxxx and its not easy to forgive ...i kno but...jus wanna say..... Forgiveness is not easy but love keeps no record of wrongs....so be happy and u shld def be fine....cheers

 

Tulipz, Your SIL shud get a SIL if she is due to be married. Then all the tables turn.Once your SIL knows how it is being a DIL she will realise all the problems she was a part of . Your husband will realise what he was putting you thru and your MIL-SIL too. Until then, I say let them have their share of joy. All things have to have a run of their time. This too. If they abuse you on your next India visit, give them straight no matter your husband supports you in their presence or not. Somethings are done for ourselves and some for our husbands. This is something we do it for ourselves. Do it and see how your MIL/SIL wont trouble you during your stay there. Good Luck.

 

Ok here is all I can make of this situation....

Looks like your hubby is a real nice guy, but......he does seem like he is insecure...and needs to feel accepted and secure as far as his family goes.

What made me come to this conclusion:

You said you hubby treats you really well when you two are by yourself ...and also once you guys moved out he realized he was wrong in the way he treated you initially and apologized... so basically a good chap...yeah

You said that he was mean to you initally .. could mean that he was staying on his mom 'side' , and that led him to 'abandon' you. By agreeing with his mom and supporting her, he got her to love him and show him attention.....

Last but not the least, the fact that he disses you in front of his mom and sis, just means that he feels, for him to be able to 'Bond' with them, and to get thier attention, he needs to put you down. If he shows you in a bad light, he looks better and gains thier sympathy!!

Plus if the in-laws are really vindictive, then i suppose they encourage him to say bad things about you, and he gladly fulfills their desire....the worse the things he says about you...the better they feel. And the better they feel...the better they treat him!!!!

I hope I put my point accross well.

Now the only logical way to deal with this....is for you to talk to your husband. Tell him it is unacceptable to you that he is talking crap about you. You really should start thinking about an ultimatum to give him....something like "the next time I hear you saying something bad about me to your mom...u can sleep on the couch for the next month".....

Enforce your ultimatum!! He will learn...slowly but surely!

Best of luck to you!

 

This happens in most of the families, and I dont understand who put this thing in to men's head that they have to do the double act. Most of the men pretend before wives in a way and with their own family the other way. It happened, happening to me too. Even now I cant say my husband is bad or anything but this change of attitude is something I get irritated with. I ve stopped going to my ILs simply becoz of this. I ve tried a lot, past 11 years, telling him, taking all steps, but it doesnt help. And now, I just feel, we cant help it. People are like that, they can change only if they want to and I dont think they want to. It seems to be an unwritten rule.

Well I have 3+ yrs old twin boys and I just feel I ll have to put this into their mind as they grow up into men, that, it is not about lying for pleasing, and that being truthful would only help.

Actually, my ILs did behave a bit badly with me, but most of them, becos of my husband. Both the husband and wife should know, that some( well most) problems have to be settled between themselves, and not be taken to other relatives. But how many really do this? Our society is such that we still hear most men comment that - they lost their independence after marriage, they would like to try for another girl, they will send their woman away if she doesnt cook, their women are stupids - even as fun. Even we hear that and cant comment on that.

I remember once one of a senior colleague at office, he had a love marriage, was during our lunch time, making remarks like, after marriage he is suffering like this, like that from his wife, and that he is very seriously thinking about remarrying. He had a love marriage in fact. A little bit of fun is ok, but too much overboard, simply becoz a woman cant comment the same way abt her husband? Just imagine if a woman says the same thing about her husband will people take it as fun?

One of my colleague, a girl of 23, was quick to say, I think sir may be your wife will have even more stories against u to tell, and that was what we were waiting for, and I too commented laughing loud, yes she is right, should ask your wife's stories about u.

 

I can understand how unnerving this experience is for you right now.

Next time onwards, before you buy gifts for his family, ask him for his suggestions.
Hubby and I generally talk about what to buy...and if he cannot think of anything, I suggest and if he doesnt like what I suggested, I would ask him to give me ideas. you should also do that. That way, your hubby cannot say what he said to you now.

How long is your trip for? A month?
Why dont you or hubby go to some religious place or do some sightseeing while in India? That way you can take your kid and hubby away with you for a few days. Or maybe have a get-together or a function at your parents' place....so that you spend minimal time at your inlaws

 

You and i have similar problem(mamas boy). My husband is just like this but he doesn't yell , instead he will give me those silent treatments and kills me. When i visit my in-laws , i feel so lonely and rejected there But i think about the brighter side like "it is just for few days then i am done for this year".

So just take whatever you have and gift them. speaking from my own experience, no matter how costly stuff you give, relatives/ in-laws will still think it is less.

If he thinks giving money is a good idea then agree to that. Anyway he knows his parents better Right? So let him do what he wishes. Next time, take him along when you shop for the gifts or shop a month beforehand. That will save your money and time.

 

May be your DH talks 'crap' about your in front of his family in India, because he wants to prove that he controls you and to project an image in front of his parents athat he is not "henpecked":bonk

Just curious what "bad things" does he talk? Are you sure he is not saying it jokingly:coffee