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Living abroad made us grow wiser. How about you???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tara09, Feb 16, 2010.

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  1. Feb 17, 2010 #11
    Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Tara

    You've made an interesting observation. I'd like to add that hopefully, in the coming decades, future generations will give each other space, privacy, and respect boundaries even if they live in the same country, state/province, or town. We should then be able to have the best of both worlds; a family and support structure close by when we need help, and enough privacy to live our lives independently from day to day.

    You are right that living abroad is helping us to define ourselves as individuals, but that shouldn't necessarily have to come at the cost of everything else that's good about the extended family. I think we need to take what we've learned, and use that knowledge to make changes for the better. We owe it to our children - they deserve to have both closeness to family, and independence. And I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive.

    Thanks for giving me something to think about ;)
     
    Ansuya, Feb 17, 2010
    Ansuya, Feb 17, 2010
    #11
  2. Feb 17, 2010 #12
    Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Traveller, ASG, Neha and Ansuya for the response.

    Even though we try to keep away from PILs and other relatives, we can sense that interference when we go for visits.

    If I want to gift something for a friend/coworker which I want to buy when I go to India, my MIL will ask the price and then after couple of days she has to say something like " Do your friends get you gifts also when they come for visits"? When I say yes, then that starts the conversation rolling. "Will it be expensive ones or some cheap one"? "You have to also see the price when you buy gifts".
    You guys need to watch your spendings. Last time, when I was there(US) I observed how much of wasteful expenditure you do. etc etc..... that will last for an hour.....minimum...:biglaugh
    Now, the understanding between dh and me is we look at each other and actually pretend to give an ear to her unwanted concern shown.
    If it was in the initial years of marriage, I would jump to defend my actions but now have become wise..."Yes, ma'm you are right", kind of attitude. Dh also realized that though I love to shop but do not go overboard. This little time and space that was needed to understand each other's temperment would not have been possible if we were living nearer to PILs. Infact, with my impulsive nature I would have spent more just to prove that I am not under control. That would have been disastrous.

    My parents also are no less. They too think we spend uselessly. It has been quite a while I bought a nice handbag and last time dh said when you go to India get yourself a leather one. So, I was at my parents place and went out shopping. I got a leather handbag for Rs.800/-. As soon as I entered the house my mom asked the price. I had to go to the restroom so I hurried in. My kid 9yr old then was with me while shopping so she coolly said 800, grandma.....yeah I am right I saw the bill too.

    That's it. My mom got a nice topic to talk about. As soon as I came out of bathroom, her first question was " Do you really need that bag, It is so expensive, why are you spending like that"?

    "Do you even realize you have kids, what about their education, their weddings if you spend like
    this?"

    My dad from the other side, "You should have told me you are going out for the bag, I would have sent XYZ(my dad's favorite niece) with you, they know good leather shops where you get stuff for less cost".

    I actually shouted out at my mom "Now, come on, give me a break, don't you have anything else to talk about other than my handbag?"

    My whole point is dh and I are in our 30s, we pay our bills regularly, we have good credit record, no debts.....isn't all this enough for people to realize how we are???
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
    Tara09, Feb 17, 2010
    Tara09, Feb 17, 2010
    #12
  3. Feb 17, 2010 #13
    rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Totally agree Tara...

    My marriage would have gone down the drain if I had lived in India with my husband's relatives... They love to run our life ...

    Being in US and dealing our problems without the knowledge of anyone is a boon. Also the friends circle here who keep their respectful distance is amazing (in contrast to relatives who love to exploit us for money and other help always).

    We NRIs are so lucky and I really sympathize with the girls back in India who have to face so many problems day in and day out.
     
    rosegirl, Feb 17, 2010
    rosegirl, Feb 17, 2010
    #13
  4. Feb 17, 2010 #14
    ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    I agree that different experiences in US and India help you to learn and grow but I strongly condemn your above statement. It looks like you are sympathizing with non-NRI women without realizing that your next door NRI would be facing even worse problems with no family to support. Good and bad things can happen anywhere.

    Although I am sure you had very clean intentions, but I just felt like you insulted my future wife because she would be a non-NRI.
     
    ajain35, Feb 17, 2010
    ajain35, Feb 17, 2010
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  5. Feb 17, 2010 #15
    coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    I can say my marriage is a perfect example

    We both lived and worked here before we got married. Me for 7 yrs and DH for 2 yrs. So we came here immediately after getting married in India. The 2/3 days I stayed at my DH's place right after marriage ceremony and before the reception was a nightmare.

    I always say that my MIL will break up our marriage if we stay together for even a day or two.My DH agrees. My MIL is a monster in disguise.
     
    coolphani, Feb 17, 2010
    coolphani, Feb 17, 2010
    #15
  6. Feb 17, 2010 #16
    GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    Now it’s the era of unlimited calling plans to India.
     
    GiJoe, Feb 17, 2010
    GiJoe, Feb 17, 2010
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  7. Feb 17, 2010 #17
    Vandanaa

    Vandanaa New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies
    Distance from relatives does not really increase the affection between the couples.

    But there is definitely an advantage when people travel abroad,their thinking widens.Reason being mingling with people of different background,seeing where world is heading...We start to beleive there is much more in the world to think and act rather than just hearing what others say on petty things and picking up a reason to fight with Spouse.
    In India surrounded with all same old relatives and friends we go beating around the bush with all our idealogies remaining same .we dont even try to think from other's shoes.

    But travelling extensively ,we go more by facts rather than just words and our thinking capacity increases.
    So neither the husand nor wife are no more a puppet of their relations
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
    Vandanaa, Feb 17, 2010
    Vandanaa, Feb 17, 2010
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  8. Feb 17, 2010 #18
    Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Yes, Rose, the friends here are amazing!! :thumbsup

    C'mon ajain, She is just venting out her frustration.....right rose??
    Take it easy man!! I don't think that was intended at someone.
    NRI or not, problems are problems......in some or the other form.:hide:

    Mother-in-law or Monster-in-law???? :rant

    Good one!! :rotfl......no escape!

    Distance actually gives more time and space for couples to understand each other without the unnecessary interference. Hence, the couples actually use their own brains to think, rather than as you said ,being a puppet of someone. They do not get influenced by external people.
    Sometimes, our men just want to stand their ground even though they are wrong just to please their parents or for the fear of being called henpecked.
    The whole point is defeated then. They simply shut off from listening to their wife's point of view. Ok, this is applicable to the wife to....vice versa.
     
    Tara09, Feb 17, 2010
    Tara09, Feb 17, 2010
    #18
  9. Feb 17, 2010 #19
    neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    I disagree with a post here that expresses sympathies for non-NRI women.
    I do not want to make any kind of personal attack,but,wanted readers to not have a biased opinion after reading such statements.

    IMO,it is not that non-NRI women are 'suffering' in india or that 'NRI' women are 'not suffering' outside india. Being away from India, does help us in our personalities and makes us more confident. It does give space to marriage too. Having said that, we should realize that we should be able to live anywhere,even if relatives are around and yet have privacy. Infact,some posts here have nicely pointed out this that distance from parents/inlaws/relatives/whoever does not necessarily bring a couple closer. JMO
     
    neha1, Feb 17, 2010
    neha1, Feb 17, 2010
    #19
  10. Feb 17, 2010 #20
    Vandanaa

    Vandanaa New IL'ite

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    For all those who think they are 'blessed' to be away from the family, please imagine that your kids would think the same way when they grow up! At that time they would be forced to have lots of personal space- though I'm not sure whether they can enjoy being 'orphaned'.

    People who are matured enough would handle family issues and interperonal issues in a mature way, whether abroad or in India!
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
    Vandanaa, Feb 17, 2010
    Vandanaa, Feb 17, 2010
    #20
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