1. Have an Interesting Snippet to Share : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Live A Life Of Dignity At Old Age

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, May 25, 2018.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,221
    Likes Received:
    10,289
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    My sister now 94 got married in 1937 when she was just 13.Just like any other girl she was trained to be very economical and she was our role model for 'thrifty life' in our family.She had studied only upto 8th but had abundant knowledge of home management.
    Every one was proud of her.Many mothers -in-law wanted to have a daughter-in-law like my sister.She was not a kanjoose/.She prepared enough food for everyone.She had three sons and two daughters.Her share of food and her share of clothing was very much limited.My brother-in-law was working in Madras High Court.
    His income was less than Rs100/
    She was the bargain queen. She was able to get for two annas, where the price quoted was Rupees two.She was always thinking of avoiding unnecessary expenses.Once in a way the family used to go to hotel or ice cream shop.She would just take two idlies and she would not take ice cream saying that she did not like ice cream.Just to satisfy the needs of the family, she chose to sacrifice her share in everything.She proved herself as a woman of very few needs/wants and desires.Her idea was that by sacrificing her share she would be able to provide more for her kids.

    She never even visited her old parents thinking that the train charge of Rs15/- might be utilised for some other purpose.In 1960 her eldest son, who was in college started smoking.,without the knowledge of parents for sometime and then with their knowledge.This lady, in stead of advising the boy,started saving for his smoking expenses.It is entirely a different issue, whether he would have stopped smoking if being advised properly.

    After a long gap of 7 years the frail daughter visited her 85.80 year old parents..She had prepared some sweets at home for my parents.When my father handed over a piece of mysorepak, she said that she never used to take sweets etc and that whatever little sacrifice she did was entirely for the sake of children.
    My father said that in his old age he wanted to see his daughter as a happy daughter and happy wife and not as a sacrificial lamb.I too was in my native place when my father said the following words
    This is the wrong perception about sacrifice.This in due course would definitely lead to bitterness and you will be finally victimized.After some time your children may not even ask for your option or choice and go their own way.You will be taken for granted..They would have their own justification because they have been seeing you forsaking all your desires.My dear girl, be careful, days are not far off you will be treated like a door mat and it may hurt you badly.Whatelse can this old man advise you?
    Habits die hard. She returned to her home. The fatherly advices evaporated into thin air. But his words became true.Her son became a chain smoker and all her efforts in giving him money secretly went in vain and children started chiding her.The boy became bad,worse and worst with all the bad habits and breathed his last leaving his wife and two children who started blaming my sister for all the happenings.

    She had a wrong notion that her role would become a significant one by means of small small sacrifices done throughout her life.She didn't know how to establish her importance in the family.My
    father's words are becoming a reality now.She and my brother-in-law settled their family property in favour of all the children.All the five children constructed five flats out of their funds, When the house was in planning stage I advised my sister to build a small flat for her use also so that she could live with freedom until she is alive.
    She was thinking that the children may fight for that flat after her demise.Even after persuasion she didn't listen.
    She is occupying the flat of her daughter living abroad. After three years the girl started claiming rent from her mother.Now she is almost under house arrest with no one to take care.Whenever we say'how much sacrifice your mother has faced " pat comes the reply" we never asked her to sacrifice simple things. She did it of her own just to earn a good name among relatives and to earn a title of 'sacrificial star'. we don't want to be that generous.
    It is an eye opener to every one of us.
    The sacrifices/selfless activities have no meaning if the sacrifice itself lands you into trouble.I think mostly women face this problem in middle class families.'Self first and family next' seems to be the correct motto these days.Saving for rainy day suits senior citizens most.
    Depriving yourself of your legitimate happiness in young age has no meaning .Retaining a few of our claims at least would make us a lead a dignified life during the last phase of journey.
    Jayasala 42
     
    Anabalas, Giri12, Star25 and 20 others like this.
    Loading...

  2. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    1,533
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear mam, I really feel sorry for your sister its true these days nothing matter to anyone. Everyone wants to live their own life and one who sacrifice has been declared as fool. Still people do this with the belief that at least god will understand this and in return they just want that god should take care of their loved ones.
     
    Giri12, Star25 and Thyagarajan like this.
  3. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,370
    Likes Received:
    16,179
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    A well articulated post Jayasala.
    I am never given to saving money. When I was in the Bank in the '60s, I would spend half of my salary on the Salary Day buying western music long play records. They used to be sold at around Rs.30 per record. With the result, I would always run short of money by the middle of the month. It used to be a hectic balancing act. As I grew older, my tendency to splash money continued. But around this time, balancing my debits and credits was a much easier job. The credit cards came to my help in my balancing act. Now I have no avenue for spending. My daughters take care of all my needs. My pension keeps accumulating to lacs and I just splash it on my grandchildren. Money has a value only up to a particular stage in life.
     
    Thyagarajan and sindmani like this.
  4. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,221
    Likes Received:
    10,289
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Cheeniya Sir,
    Thank you very much for your response..One should be lucky enough to have daughters as those of yours.The problem is mothers sometimes want to hide certain things to protect the children from being gossipped about, which endangers the entire situation.My sister's children talk logic now and we are unable to interfere.My sister also does not like us to intervene.We keep our fingers crossed.The pointI was trying to arrive at was whatever activity is considered as a sacrifice by mother is treated as a mere duty by children.They never open their mouths about their duty of taking care of parents.In such situations, parents need to be very careful.Pitiable is the state of parents who have no pension and who depend entirely on children for each paisa.

    jayasala 42
     
  5. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,221
    Likes Received:
    10,289
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Madam, Thank you for the response.Now it is time to think of the practice in Western countries to leave the children to fend for themselves once they are 18.Our way of protecting the kids until they get settled does not seem to work anymore.
    Jayasala42
     
    Thyagarajan and messedup like this.
  6. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    1,533
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Animals too leave their kids when they are able to find food. We are far behind from them too.
     
  7. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,609
    Likes Received:
    2,315
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Jayasala madam,
    It is often heard said, money is not all and you cant eat money when health fails etc. But it cannot be emphasised enough that in these days especially, it is essential that seniors have a control over their finances to the extent that they would be able to live with outside help- meaning hired help at least should the necessity arise. It is all very good if family is supportive but that should not become an absolute necessity, which we would not be able to do without.
    You had written earlier of your sister's plight with her daughters/son , and really feel extremely bad for her situation. At the same time she cannot be blamed too, because so many of her generation/period used to be self sacrificing with the confidence that they have a family to fall back on. It is just pure bad luck that she has a bunch of ungrateful brats who do not know to value what their mother did for them. Very sad.[/QUOTE]
     
    Giri12, Thyagarajan and sindmani like this.
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,516
    Likes Received:
    22,417
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Smt. Jayasala:

    "Pathiram Arindu Pitchai Podu" is the proverb meaning "One needs to sacrifice to the deserved". Some children don't feel the value of sacrifice while others understand and react well. Mostly, the older generation never make the children aware of their sacrifices as they think saying about their sacrifice is boosting themselves or defeat the purpose of sacrifice.

    A colleague of mine died in the US 17 years back. His wife was invited by her in-laws and brothers to move back to India to raise her two sons. She also had a mortgage to pay for the house her husband built. She also decided to fulfill the wishes of her husband to educate their children in the US. She worked so hard for the last 17 years, paid mortgage regularly and raised two wonderful children. Both her sons are now in the college and one is doing medicine. Both are very affectionate to the mother and always very appreciative of the sacrifice she made for them now.

    Now, she had to face the challenge of finding the right partners for her both sons. She is happy if they settle wherever the opportunity takes them as she is still working and knows to lead a simple life. However, when she gets older, she may have to decide to downsize and manage herself with her own funds as we can never guess how the adult children will turn out in future.

    Viswa
     
    Thyagarajan, jskls, poovai and 3 others like this.
  9. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,894
    Likes Received:
    24,877
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear JS man,
    It’s sad sometimes when things like this happen. I was reminded of this forward message

    —————————Fwd share ——————
    A long long time ago, my husband, our two sons and I had gone out for an ice-cream treat. It was sometime when I was always thinking of curbing unnecessary expenditure.

    As a selfless person, who was too much in love with her family to deny them of any pleasure, I always chose to sacrifice my own excesses. And it didn’t even feel like a sacrifice ever, because I was a woman of very few needs/ wants/ desires...
    So, when my husband asked each one of us to choose our favorite flavor of ice-cream, I responded as usual, “I won’t have any.”

    The boys enjoyed one round and ordered another; my response remained the same, “I don’t want any.”

    I was happy in my family’s happiness. I was happy that my not indulging in pleasure was perhaps ensuring some more goodies in the future for my dear ones. .

    But my husband looked at me and said, “Please don’t do this to yourself and to us. I want a happy wife; not a sacrificial lamb. I have seen that too much sacrifice eventually leads to bitterness and victim-mentality. And I sure as hell do not want you to develop that.
    You see, after a period of time, the boys and I will stop asking you for your choice, because we will assume that you don’t want it; we will take you for granted and subconsciously start treating you as a doormat... It will then hurt you.. and you will feel miserable and unimportant. You will think that we don’t care about you.
    While in truth we would be behaving naturally, knowing from experience that you don’t care for yourself.. That your wishes are not important... .

    So, I suggest that you always take your share and then if you really don’t like it, share it with someone who does. That will be good for all of us. You will learn how to claim your importance in your own and our eyes and we will always ask you. There will be happiness all around.”

    His talk made sense to me and I couldn’t help but think about many older women who always complained, “I did so much for so and so but today they don’t even think/ care for me.”

    I also remembered many instances where children would turn back and say, “But why did you do so much? Did we ask you for it? You did it because it made you happy. Who asked you to be so self-sacrificing?”

    This train of thought made me take a re-look at the word 'self-less', equating it with self-sacrifice. That day the meaning of these words opened up for me!

    Self-sacrifice ......... is not the balanced way!!!

    Fwd as recd.
     
  10. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,221
    Likes Received:
    10,289
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    [/QUOTE]

    Dear Joylokhi,
    We can't but feel sorry for my sister.She refuses to come out.She told me that she was often reminded of what my father advised her in 1980.Days are changing.Unless one is very careful, it may be difficult to manage if the longevity prolongs.

    Jayasala 42
     
    Thyagarajan, sindmani and joylokhi like this.

Share This Page