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Little Maths Problem

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Benadryl, Oct 28, 2019.

  1. Benadryl

    Benadryl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello,

    I am posting here to get a broader perspective. I may be wrong in understanding, so I thought I'd ask you lovely ladies to re-calculate this for me. As some of you may be aware I have had a hard time getting my younger sisters to contribute towards expenses of running house where they and parents live.

    What was proposed : Broadly, 90k INR of monthly expenses to be divided amongst three kids. So 30k a month contribution per child. The youngest sister has never held down a proper job for a long time (will not go to work on time, throws tantrums at work etc) and has always had low paying jobs - so since she was in and out of jobs for a while, I and other sister chipped in with her share. After a few months I stopped fully and other sister is carrying more burden. The youngest has effectively contributed in nothing.

    Now when we discuss and I ask her to get a stable job and contribute, she says she can only pay a few electricity bills in a year. And says since I (myself) earn in dollars I can contribute her share without any issues. I said, the deal was expenses divided into three - after which all of us can choose to succeed or fail in our lives. 30k has to be contributed under any circumstances. I can't be penalised for doing well (supposedly) in my life - that 'well' also is just a regular IT coolie job.

    To which the response was "No one should be penalised for their income. So if for you that's 5-10% of your income I shouldn't be penalised with 80% of it."

    I can't understand this - I am thinking I am the one that is being penalised. No ? But when I read her message as quoted above - that also seems correct. So, who is being penalised ?

    Edit: The sibling doesn't live with the parents anymore (since a few months) and is in a live-in setup with a long term boyfriend (presumably living off him - otherwise I can't see how she is able to feed herself). Is perfectly capable of getting a job and living a normal employed/entrepreneurial life - just doesn't want to.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2019
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    90 K in monthly expenses ? That is a little steep unless they are expenses for medications etc and include rent ?

    I make the least amongst my siblings. However I seem to spend the most on parents. The ones that make significantly more than me count pennies . I do not want to be like them. As far as it does not affect my finances significantly, I do not mind spending more.

    Why not contribute more since it is not a huge amount when converted to dollars ? Instead delegate tasks related to parents care ( doctors visits / paperwork etc) to the sister that contributes the least. Is she not willing to help with that as well ? If she is already helping, remember it’s a lot of work running around to get things done in India.

    You also have to remember, not all personalities are the same. The children that are more responsible get burdened with more. Continue pitching in with a positive mindset. The thought that one is getting the short end of the stick is not fun and will make the whole process miserable.
     
    mangaii, shravs3 and Anusha2917 like this.
  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    90k / month for a couple in India is too much of an expense unless they have an EMI to pay, a driver to drive them around in the city ,have a big bungalow where there are well defined set of maids to do all the work or paying a huge sum of amount as rent!!

    With two younger sisters still I don't see the need for that much expenditure. Major one is always the emi. Now that's the thing. If they have a huge Emi to pay what about the property? On whose name is it if all 3 are contributing in equal proportions.

    That was just some random thoughts which came to my mind reading your thread!
    Op it's a complex situation where it cannot be defined like just because you are abroad and you earn in dollars and convert that to rupees you will be burdened less and your youngest sibling earning in rupees has to shell out 80% of her earnings.

    Okay here's the thing you are eldest and earn more among the 3 of you and obviously have more experience than the other two ? So let's assume for time being your contribution is the highest. Since the youngest earns less than you as she has less experience in her work field.

    First of all
    1) keep check on where 90k is going? I still feel it's too much.
    2) take turns eg : starting from next year you take complete care of their expenses. Next year let it be your 1st younger sister and 3rd year your youngest sister. By then she would have settled in a stable job?. But a clear understanding from each of the sisters will be required in this situation. But chances are there this may get very complex in future !! But still I'm throwing my idea.

    You should give sometime for your younger one to settle and earn a bit more to contribute 30k/month. Her demand seems reasonable to me .
    Manisha covered the points clearly which was also there on my mind too!
    A monetary benefit from you and an emotional support from your sisters makes sense to me.
     
    mangaii, shravs3 and SinghManisha like this.
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    She being irresponsible is a problem but mentioning the below from a ‘math’ point ..

    Splitting like how you say is difficult if the income is different.
    For eg, asking a person to pay 30k when they are making 40-50k vs asking the same to someone who makes 1 or 2 L is very different. Calculate the difference here, first person will barely be left with 10-20k, the latter will be left with atleast 70-170k.

    Few other things to consider:
    does this 90k include monthly medical bills ? It’s high. Maybe you can reconsider this amount.

    Why did you ‘stop fully’ n adding burden to your other sister ?
    How’s that fair to her?
    You both sisters can still give 30k each n keep a monthly budget of 60k. Maybe the youngest sis can give 10k n make it 70k.

    Its tough to have hard n fast rules with siblings, it has to be adjusted according to each ones situation. Going by your post, I don’t think she will ever contribute equally when she herself is dependent on her live in partner.

    Make her contribute to whatever is possible like the electricity bills or a smaller fixed amount. N maybe supporting the parents physically if she’s living in the same city.

    If one has two siblings, one decently doing well n the other average, its not possible to expect the same things from both eg, gifts, responsibilities, or even similar holiday plans, etc. It will be different.
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Few things: Does parents have any income of their own that they spend on any of the kids? Or do they have property that might be inherited by any of you? If it is equally divided, then it makes sense to split the money in equal. other wise large portion should be born by the person who gets larger share. If anyone of you provides additional help, like taking them to hospital or staying with them when sick etc, they need to be relaxed from some amount of money, because if you were to pay an outsider you will be paying quite a bit. When you are being strict with money, be sure you consider all other facts.

    a17b84721190521f8767873d4ce4edfc.jpg

    Disclaimer: Copyright to respective owner who made the above drawing.

    Just a sample to think about what might apply to your case. Each has it's own significance when it comes to certain situations. It is hard to make a judgement based on the income.
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    How do you expect your younger sister to contribute 30k per month when her salary is not so high compared to other sisters.
    Also 90k per couple is too much. It also depends on how lavishly they spend.
    You cannot burden the other sister who is earning lesser than you to contribute all her earnings. Each one should discuss and contribute according to ones earnings. May be you can contribute based on the percentage of the salary instead.
     
    mangaii, SinghManisha and Anusha2917 like this.
  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    90k expense is on the higher side.

    the burden sharing can be equal if everyone earns the same amount of money. 30k contribution from Indian salary should be looked at from the point of view of total salary. If it 50k it is more than half salary and not sustainable.
    So divide more fairly or ask your parents to reduce their expenses.
     
    mangaii and SinghManisha like this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Welcome back! After the initial discussion and hashing out, its best to stay out of discussions. There isn’t anything you will gain by asking her do to her share. I think you should leave it to your parents to decide what they want to do. I believe 60k a month which you and the other sibling contribute is ample. I wouldn’t lose sleep over the missing 30k. Maybe this will help your parents downgrade their lifestyle and live within their budget. Just like you said enough is enough, the other sibling will start putting her foot down too. If she is bearing the burden, she should bring it up with sibling/parents. I don’t think you should be involved in this discussion at all. If you get pulled in, best to say hash it out with her. She doesn’t pay heed to me so I’m unable to make her understand.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    90K was the monthly expense you were looking at last year for the family of 4. Now, one person has moved out. So, it is a family of 3? The does-not-work and argues-to-contribute sister has moved out? The other sister lives with your parents, earns, and has been managing for a while without contributions from you also?

    What is the point of insisting that your younger sister contribute 30K every month when she clearly chooses not to be financially independent? What do you really gain? Write off that sister as a source of money for your parents. Focus instead on making sure parents are not secretly giving her money and enabling her. The financial problems of people like your parents who were careless with PF kind of things, and do not start to live within means even later in life never go away.

    Aim for peace of mind and peace in your household here in the U.S. Come up with an amount you can give your parents each month comfortably. Send part of that. Set aside the rest each month for bigger expenses that will come up down the line. Rather than sending the money and letting them spend it as they want, present your contribution differently. Identify 2 or 3 big monthly expenses and say you are taking care of those. About the rest, make it not much of your business. Your parents are still in relatively good health. For a few years, let them (and your middle sister) deal with their financial problems themselves.

    There really is no chance for logic or reason from the NRI-child to win in such arguments and disagreements. Give what you can and what will help you in not feeling guilty now and later. Beyond that, enjoy your life's little and big joys, and learn to acknowledge but not unduly entertain unpleasant thoughts about your parents' money issues whenever those come up in your mind.

    When the NRI-child sets down some clear ground-rules for the money she is sending, the maximum that will be sent, and follows that, and does not engage in endless discussion about all this, the India folks fall in line over time. Comments from you mom --> in one ear, out the other.

    If you are worried about the relationships going bad or disappearing. Don't worry. The $->Rupee rate will favor the dollar for a long time, and until then, they won't fully forget you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2019
    yesican, Amica, mangaii and 5 others like this.
  10. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    You should post this link in your family group chat and ask them to comment and think on why your family of 3 needs 90K/month.
    https://www.quora.com/How-much-salary-is-enough-to-live-comfortably-in-Hyderabad-with-a-family-of-3

    I have read your other thread. Sorry for being blunt, but even though source of your problem is primarily your father who goes on a rant and makes you feel guilty but your mother should share some blame too in enabling him. She should have mercy towards her adult kids that they have their own families and cannot continue to fund their high cost of living year after year. Also send money to your financially responsible sister who lives with parents to come up with a sustainable budget
     

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