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Life is so unfair .... how to deal with it.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mlk2009, Oct 9, 2009.

  1. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    Me and my husband have an ok relationship now after a lot of turbulence in the past. I have adjusted a lot and he is also making an effort so that our son will have a happy home. Things were good.. but now I think I am going to explode when seeing some things happening.

    My husbands parents and close relatives are wasting our money for their luxury. My husband is just spending too much money on package tours for them, costly electronic goods, costly car, birthday gift money etc which amounted to around 5-6 lakhs in the past 2 months. We are not that rich to throw money like this. When I ask for a top or a small stud for office, I usually dont get it at all and I just leave it. But when his parents and extended families ask, he is all generous and ready.

    This whole thing is eating me away, I feel so angry and helpless. I try to forget and see the bigger picture but just cant. I am so depressed seeing this much money taken from us for their luxury. I dont want to confront him and stop since I want some peace in the house after so many years of crying and fighting. I just want a way to deal with it ...

    Anyone have any experience dealing with this situation and what did u do when husband huge amount of money to parents and family ???????
     
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  2. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Dear mlk2009,

    The only way to sort this out is to have an open discussion with your DH. Dont get emotional about it, and have a mature family conversation instead of making it a reason for fight.Give him exact figures like we both are saving 'X' USD per month, we have 'Y' USD of living expenses and we should target on saving 'Z' USD monthly. In addition 'we' ( remember, using "we" would make a difference rather than "you") spent 6lakhs in last 2 months on trips and other stuff. Ask him - 'I feel we should look for ways to control over spending. What do u think?'

    Another thing that is really important is - do not sacrifice on small things like buying a stud or new top for yourself. Since you are earning, you dont even have to ask permission from him to spend on something as small as a new dress. I know that your mentality might be that "anyway, DH is overspending, atleast let me save something by cost cutting on my needs". If you keep doing that, you will always be deprived of small wishes while your DH keeps spending on luxuries for his family. At the end of the day, it is not worth saving by sacrificing such small wishes. If you keep doing this, DH will just take you for granted as someone who works and earns an income, but doesnt have any expenses.

    Going forward,when it comes to basic things like a new dress or a piece of jewellery,buy what you want with your salary without seeking permission from DH. Later, just inform him that - " I wanted to get a stud /top for myself - so I bought one today". See how he reacts.
     
  3. indianlady1

    indianlady1 New IL'ite

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    My policy is its his money so its his wish...
    But pls note I earn too so probably thats why I have this attitude..

    I know ..I know ..in a marriage its always 'our' money and everything is joint but personally I feel there must be some 'my' money too..

    I never even ask him what he spends on his parents and have always told him to spend as he sees fit..
    Over a period of time what happened is he spends only when its necessary...sometimes men spend more on their folk just to spite the wife..

    As reshsabu said if it really irks you have a budget discussion and also try to set a monthly savings goal..that way he will try atleast to meet it and curb the overspending

    And go ahead buy stuff for yourself...its the deprivation that causes the frustration..
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2009
  4. Sunshine123

    Sunshine123 New IL'ite

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    Oh yes........I can totally empathise with your situation. My dh also sends 6000$ each month to his parents in India. Though its not a huge amount compared to what he makes each month..............I still feel its 'Huge' and there is absolutely no idea that i have about what his parents do with all that money. They are pretty well off on their own. But then.........my dh is very touchy when it comes to money and I tried all ways and means to communicate this to him;...........but in vain.

    So, now i just keep quiet and turn a blind eye.......it has not resolved the issue but yes, has given me a peace of mind!!

    I personally have realised that, the person in question has to realise it on his own and the more we try to make them see reason....the more they resist!

    "What you resist will persist'............So I have learnt to take a chill pill :coffee............since mine and my kids needs are not compromised in anyway. Dh never stops me from buying anything or questions me abt anything related to money....So i stay out of his way!!
     
  5. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for all the reply ladies.

    I am trying hard to turn a blind eye and concentrate on my job and kid.
    We am also trying for another kid, so praying to god that atleast with another kid, he realizes that we need to save for the future...
     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    MLK, is it a good idea to try for another child now? I mean, I know that your relationship is much better but I remember you posting about all the trouble he caused you and I think you might have to really evaluate your situation and see if it would be a wise idea to have another baby.

    As for spending money on his FOO, have you talked to him about it? Turning a blind eye will not solve the problem - which is that he should put you & your child first, ahead of his FOO - and just hoping that he will come around if you had another kid may not be a good idea, either. He may just never realize that he is coddling his FOO at his immediate family's expense. This is something that you need approach directly and thrash out. Are you in a position to do so?
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2009
  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Mlk2009,
    Planning for a second baby is nice. Wish you all the best with that!!
    But please note that having a second baby may not address the problem of your DH overspending on his folks.

    How about you suggest to DH that both of you should plan on saving a certain amount every month for future and try to stick to the plan as much as possible.

    When you discuss with your DH about saving for future,as long as you do not say anything against him spending on his parents,I dont see why the discussion should end in a fight.
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Mlk,

    My advise,if you don't have house here,try to push to get some house.That way you will build up some equity.
    Lot of our men doesn't really ready to have talks with wives.
    Anohter advise,push him to put in some educational plans.I am not sure wether you guys have some individual life insuranece policies.We took recently.Because espeically with younger kids if we don't have enough saving and in some disaster it total toll.So these things atleast he should able to understand women concern.
    If he still not ,he may not seeing in big picture and you just have to given him time.Just draw some money from his account and save on kids name.

    All the best for your second baby planning.
     
  9. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    HI
    Ladies thanks for the inputs. We own a house here and I am pressurizing him to put some money in IRA so that we can live peacefully after retirement.
    Anyways lets see ..
     
  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Mlk, One solution to try out wud be to try to separate your finances from your hubby's. With you trying for a kid and eventually having one, he might feel the pinch and see the real faces of his family when he reduces his monthly pocket money to them.

    Be firm and mention it that you wud like to have him extend help to his family for necessities not luxury. Try insisting it 2-3 times. If he still continues be firm and separate your finances.I know its not a conventional solution but have him pay for all kid's expenses like daycare and other things. For both the kids. Once he sees the pinch he will know he has his own family to tend to rather than luxuries of his family back home.

    Each of us have almost similar problems with a few differences here and there. But if we sit down and think about it with one mind we can come up with a solution with some help .You are a brave woman to live with conditions. You can do this too if you put your mind to it.

    Good Luck.
     

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