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Life...Confusion...forgive...forget...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by destiny23, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. destiny23

    destiny23 New IL'ite

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    Hi Guys,

    this is my first thread therefore, I apologise if I make any mistake....

    I need advice on some thing. Here is my story, it's a bit long, but to understand my situation, it's necessary to go back in the flash back...

    At 18 I got married, (love come arrange), with my best friend's step brother ( I never knew that they were steps siblings).

    I dated my hubby for whole 1 year, he was the one who revealed his family history, that his mom died, and dad got married to another women when he was 6, and how his step mom was horrible to him and his real brother ( who is 5 years younger to my hubby), his brother was still fine since when his mom passed away he was still a baby so he used te be more with his dad, but my husband was aware so he always stayed away from his step mother, since she use to yell at him, she was not giving him proper food, and how she was abusive, and make his father hit his own kids.
    Honestly after this I had lost faith in his step mom, but when she was only my friend's mom she was super nice to me, always wanting me to be her daughter in law. She never mentionned that she had step sons or what so ever or call me naive to never figure that our earlier.

    Once I knew the history, everything changed... my step mother in law's behavior... my best friend's behavior.... still things were fien with me but it turned out to be a mess with my Husband ( at that time B-F).
    My husband always suffered from depression from his teenages years, which I wa snot aware until fee days before marriage, and his parents blamed me ( I was teh one responsible for it), I do not know why and how come I was in the loop...

    2 days before I got married by husband went into severe depression he was admitted in the hospital and discharge dthe previous night of my marriage only, his family an dmine said that don't get married with this guy... He is Crazy, he will kill you... I guess I was blind with love... Not listening to them, and all I wanted to see is my husband happy since his happiness was me, I did'nt want to leave him since my mind was saying that his own family is not beside him and if I leave him, he will totally go crazy.
    I went ahead with the wedding.
    What happened that night is a mystery for some, but a tragedy for me, my husband turned violent and ended up almost killing me... ( but police showed up rigth on time to bring him to the hospital), 18 years old in her newly wedding dressed bleeding from the mouth, standing in the night alone in a hotel room in a new city, crying to god why did you do that to me???

    Depressed the police brought me to his cousin's house where teh wedding took place, my parents had left for their Home ( which is 7 hours of drive), my in laws where in his cousin's house, all they could have suggested me is this is not called a wedding, go to ur parents and get another groom. My step mothe rin law said ( I was never happy with the wedding), he can die in hell, don't worry he is crazy I will send him in India saying he is a risk for us. I was quiet I had no answer nothing to say... and what else...
    the next day my step mother in law said we can not bring with us at home, what will people say... they left me outside saying call ur parents.

    It took 3 weeks for me to be back on my feet while my husband was admitted I looked for an appartement, got my self in college arranged for the loan... my perants were a huge help. After 3 months I was up on my feet without the help on anyone, my inlwas never inquire about me after 3 months my husband finnaly came home.
    From that days I was never able to forgive my in laws.
    After my husband cam ehome, we were happy, he was sorry, but he said he did not knew what he was doing at that time... I understood him, and accepte dhis apologies , a new chapter and I never looked back, new chapter with in laws to give them a second chance, they never had soemthing good to say about me or him.. they were very nice to our face, but when my real brtoher in law got married all they did was bad mouth me in front of her, once she came from India here, she met me and said WOW I hated you so much because of thoses people but you are not like the way they were describing you, finnaly co sis came closer to me, mother in law was very upset, they have their own set of problem after that and I completely stopped contact with them, therefore I lost my in laws for ever including my best friend who was now my sister in law ( she got married 2 months before me).
    It's not been 4 years into married life... husband is fine.. coming to in laws, my step mom in law has 2 kids, one daughter ( my ex best Friend) and a son.
    Her son got married about a month ago, which she never invited me... anyhow, my husband called his dad today ( well he was not home) so his step brother took the call and he said they will come here to visit us with his wife once she is here... If he comes definietly my step mother n law will come and I do not want her in my house... So ar she came twice, the first time she came wa sonly for 10 minutes and she did not talked to me or my husband she only came because my father in law had to bring her by force.
    the second time she was not invited but showed up when her daughter came with her hsuabnd and kids to see me for the first time after her wedding and my wedding that was 2 years ago.
    My co sis mentionned that they had nothing good to say about me, or my house. So there came the last drift, I was surely set apart from theses 2.

    Now friends please suggest what to say, I do not want them to come to my house,my step bro in law is welcomed with his wife but anybody else will not be welcome.


    Guys, I am sorry for the long psot, I even had to cut in half and did not put all the deatails.
     
  2. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Destiny23


    I am so sorry what you had to go through. You really are brave to have stayed with your husband after what he did to you on your wedding night. I understand that he was sick and needed therapy, is he still under medication?

    However it is very hard for me to understand from your post what your step-MIL did to you, as parts of the story are missing. Please tell us what happened between you and her that made her so hard towards you. I somewhat have an incline that your step-MIL does not really mean bad with you. Please fill us in... Thank you.
     
  3. destiny23

    destiny23 New IL'ite

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    Hi bebe, thanks for your reply,

    Sorry it was a long post therefore I guessed I missed few things....
    My step mother in law; Never wanted this marriage to happen, since my father in law never attended her daughter's wedding since it was a love marriage and due to caste and religion differences... So she went ahead to India without the permission of anyone and got her daughter married by herself.

    My step mother in law mentionned, on my wedding night since he ( father in law)was not happy happy with her daughter's marriage, then why should I be happy for his son? I was not happy, I don't want his sons to be happy... I was shocked and unable to speak...

    After the wedding night she refused me to take me with her, she said I can not bring you in our house. ( I will never forget that my whole life).

    They left me all alone, and they never inquires about me.
    Once I got the pone, I started to calling them as family , but she never used to call me.In teh mean time my sister in law returned from Indian after her wedding, I was talking to her but mother in law was not in favor for this.

    Once my brother in law got married ( husband's real brother)... she created a huge drift between my cosister and me.

    She badmouth me to every single relatives.
    My Cosis told me how she was defaming my name in all the relatives since, I never met them and they do not know me personnaly so they all are cursing me cause they think I am evil.

    Step mother in law complained to my own relatives how bad I am, how bad my parents are for not giving them any gold or money ( dowry).

    To my step mother in law only her daughter and her son in law matters... Everything should start with them.
    I am the worst cook apparently comparing to her daughter... even tough ( she only ate my cooking once).

    Apparently all she had to say is I am an outsider,she hates me, and she can never gives me her blessings. She once said that I will make a drift between you and ur husband, and you guys will fight, and I will enjoy that.

    The worst, was when she lied to me about my Sister in law's pregnancy and for my co sister 's pregnancy too she asked her not to tell me anything, and she hoped that I will never have kids. Once my cosis disclosed me that part, that was it for me. I cut all the ties, stopped calling both daughter and mother and then all they had to do is complaining how I am brain washed by co sis, and I am arrogant to not call them.

    I decided that I will never let her in my house again that is for sure, but now yesterday my step brother in law said that he wants to come visit us, if he come his mom will come too.
    I do not know what to do, since last time her visit was a surprise as well.
    Please suggest should I tell directly to brother in Law not to come with his mom?

    I am kinds a lost on this one, since I dont like hurting people... I am a very reserved person and I don't like to talk back.

    Please advise how to deal with this step mother in law.
    Cause I feel If I see her I may loose me temper, and just go nuts...

    Sorry for the long post.
    PS: Bebe yes, he is still on medication for another 3 years since his depression is from a very young age. So it will go with time. Sometimes I just wish my real mother in law would be alive she was such a sweet lady (this is what everyone says).
     
  4. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    Call your brother in law or whenever he calls to confirm his visit ask him how many/who all will be visiting. tell him directly you are not ready to see your MIL yet and he is strictly prohibited to invite her along. be upfront and set your boundaries.
    Better yet, dont invite them to your home. meet them in a coffee shop or a restaurant.

    he is your step BIL. step MIL will most probably will not be happy with the two of you being friendly. it is better if you tell him you have nothing against him or his wife and would love to meet them and have a good relation but not with MIL in picture. he should know what relation you and his mom have and should not try to worsen it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  5. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Destiny


    I would give you the same suggestion as shrikala. You have to set boundaries.
    There is no use in spoiling your health. Also I don´t think that your husband is very keen on seeing his step-mom, so there are no obligations for you to have her over and be cordial. Don´t do anything which might spoil his or your mental health. These people are not worth it.

    It is remarkable how you are handling the whole situation, take care...
     

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