Some of you may or may not know that I have a new baby at home. Emotions have been a roller coaster ever since. We do not have much help except for the 9 yr old DD and friends who dropped of some food. We didn’t hire anyone because of high number of covid cases in our area. So let’s start from the beginning. I feel like my husband is under performing his duties. Or doing bare minimum. We stayed at the hospital for 2 days, after that I was discharged and the baby was not. Because she had jaundice and needed photo therapy. I had a whirlwind of emotions going home without the baby because that is not how I imagined things. I cried my eyes out on the drive back and was not able to come back that day to the hospital. My husband visited NICU that night and next day. I came in between and pumped and stored milk for LO, but went back. On the fourth day however I decided to stay the night after a whole day there. I was on pain medications and was not feeling exhausted. DH went back home after getting me necessary supplies. By end of the day I was tired, I had swollen ankles which gave me a shoe bite and NICu had only an uncomfortable couch to sleep in with a curtain separation from baby while docs and nurses tended to her. Over all, I was cranky in the morning. Long story short, DH and I had a huge fight in the hospital lobby (not loud though) and he said “I don’t have to do this” while handing me over my day supplies. Doc let us go home with the baby that day so I ended up checking the LO out on my own and he picked us up. We didn’t talk for almost 2 days except for necessary conversations. Things went okay for the rest of the days for a few weeks. Lo was bottlefed at the NICU and I tried to transition her to exclusively breastfed. So the days became even more stressful because every 3 hr feeding window became pumping-putting her to directly feed- if not give her bottle of bm or formula-wash/sanitize pump parts and bottle which gave me not much sleeping time. Meanwhile most irritating thing to me was that DH was on pTO for 3 weeks (he attended meetings while with me in labor and pp recovery) and he attended every single meeting that was on calendar even if he was off the whole time. There was a day he was on meeting all day and another day he went for golfing (this is my fault, because he asked and I didn’t say no) and biking. I was sad and frustrated for being stuck at home while looking at the beautiful the fall colors from a window. I had serval meltdowns from being tired around a crying baby all day everyday. Around 4 weeks I was diagnosed borderline for postpartum depression (my score was 11 where the cut off is 10) and I wanted to talk to him and so far not successful. My moods have improved since the diagnosis owing to some factors like: - I transitioned lo successfully to completely breastfed. Getting some sleep even though there are feeding breaks. BFing was difficult and still is as I have numerous issues and had to visit lactation consultant multiple times - I have recovered pretty good so far and doc cleared me for activities and stuff DH helps out but only after his office time and up until bedtime which is 6-8.30pm which is not much. No help at night because lo is breastfed now. At the slightest disagreement or argument we have, I clam up and don’t want to talk to him and it leads me into crying. I think about (read plan) divorcing him or leaving the home to live separately or just leaving the home with two kids to drive far far away from him. I want to talk to him but I am not able to. I fear that would be another argument which I will lose. Part of all this is me being jealous of him that he could do all activities while I am stuck at home. My neighbor had a baby around the same time and I see her going out for walk every single day. I become more sad seeing her and think why can’t I do that. My birthday came in and I wanted a cake, but I didn’t tell him and I thought he would do something nice for me but he didn’t except for the birthday wish. I feel he find faults in things I do while he is not helping much. My most difficult problem is he is not available to talk and I don’t know how to initiate the talk of asking him to make him available to talk. I am not sure how to go about it.