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Life After A Baby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Angela123, Nov 13, 2020.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Some of you may or may not know that I have a new baby at home. Emotions have been a roller coaster ever since. We do not have much help except for the 9 yr old DD and friends who dropped of some food. We didn’t hire anyone because of high number of covid cases in our area. So let’s start from the beginning. I feel like my husband is under performing his duties. Or doing bare minimum. We stayed at the hospital for 2 days, after that I was discharged and the baby was not. Because she had jaundice and needed photo therapy. I had a whirlwind of emotions going home without the baby because that is not how I imagined things. I cried my eyes out on the drive back and was not able to come back that day to the hospital. My husband visited NICU that night and next day. I came in between and pumped and stored milk for LO, but went back. On the fourth day however I decided to stay the night after a whole day there. I was on pain medications and was not feeling exhausted. DH went back home after getting me necessary supplies. By end of the day I was tired, I had swollen ankles which gave me a shoe bite and NICu had only an uncomfortable couch to sleep in with a curtain separation from baby while docs and nurses tended to her. Over all, I was cranky in the morning. Long story short, DH and I had a huge fight in the hospital lobby (not loud though) and he said “I don’t have to do this” while handing me over my day supplies. Doc let us go home with the baby that day so I ended up checking the LO out on my own and he picked us up. We didn’t talk for almost 2 days except for necessary conversations. Things went okay for the rest of the days for a few weeks. Lo was bottlefed at the NICU and I tried to transition her to exclusively breastfed. So the days became even more stressful because every 3 hr feeding window became pumping-putting her to directly feed- if not give her bottle of bm or formula-wash/sanitize pump parts and bottle which gave me not much sleeping time. Meanwhile most irritating thing to me was that DH was on pTO for 3 weeks (he attended meetings while with me in labor and pp recovery) and he attended every single meeting that was on calendar even if he was off the whole time. There was a day he was on meeting all day and another day he went for golfing (this is my fault, because he asked and I didn’t say no) and biking. I was sad and frustrated for being stuck at home while looking at the beautiful the fall colors from a window. I had serval meltdowns from being tired around a crying baby all day everyday. Around 4 weeks I was diagnosed borderline for postpartum depression (my score was 11 where the cut off is 10) and I wanted to talk to him and so far not successful.
    My moods have improved since the diagnosis owing to some factors like:
    - I transitioned lo successfully to completely breastfed. Getting some sleep even though there are feeding breaks. BFing was difficult and still is as I have numerous issues and had to visit lactation consultant multiple times
    - I have recovered pretty good so far and doc cleared me for activities and stuff
    DH helps out but only after his office time and up until bedtime which is 6-8.30pm which is not much. No help at night because lo is breastfed now. At the slightest disagreement or argument we have, I clam up and don’t want to talk to him and it leads me into crying. I think about (read plan) divorcing him or leaving the home to live separately or just leaving the home with two kids to drive far far away from him. I want to talk to him but I am not able to. I fear that would be another argument which I will lose.
    Part of all this is me being jealous of him that he could do all activities while I am stuck at home. My neighbor had a baby around the same time and I see her going out for walk every single day. I become more sad seeing her and think why can’t I do that. My birthday came in and I wanted a cake, but I didn’t tell him and I thought he would do something nice for me but he didn’t except for the birthday wish. I feel he find faults in things I do while he is not helping much. My most difficult problem is he is not available to talk and I don’t know how to initiate the talk of asking him to make him available to talk. I am not sure how to go about it.
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you..you’re sleep deprived, exhausted and lack support...
    Looks like your husband is a nice guy but is unable to understand your needs fully..
    He too would be feeling over loaded with increased responsibilities..pls have a talk with him and have a clear understanding..
    Tour last paragraph shows possibility of post partum depression, pls get it addressed too..
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  3. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear..
    I m in the same situation as you..I too want to communicate with Dh so I tell him openly whenever i want to communicate..even if it leads to a fight or argument..Dont keep anything inside you as it may aggravate urPP depression.
    I have a 2 month old daughter..My problem ismy husband always planning to run to my IL house just to please them and have a change..and I become lonely in his absence and when he comes bck he iz not in a very positive frame of mind.. He always comes with a complaint that so and so relative said something about us t someone amongst relatives..My MIL just shares useless gossip with him rather than saying something positive..I feel he is giving priority to IL than his daughter..I dont understand how to stop him from going there and make him concentrate on our DD. Plz Ilites address my issue..too.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    Congratulations!
    What will happen if you leave your kids there and go for a walk? If its his lunch break, why can't you do that. If he is not willing why don't use a stroller and go out with your baby. Find time for it
    Most of the men dont understand their wife's physical or mental or emotional state, post delivery. He may be feeling helpless on this department of understanding postpartum challenges. From your post, your husband is trying to help you. Appreciate that first. Then tell him that's not enough by not complaining. We have to communicate. If he is working and if you need a help, text or call him. Tell him, you dont want to disturb him during his work time, but call him only if its urgent.

    When he is finding fault, tell him, can you show me how to do it. This is the best I can do given these circumstances. Also, tell him,when he criticize you,it make you feel sad. May be due to postpartum effects. Tell him you appreciate if he could be little more comforting or be nice. Dont hesitate.

    Tell him, or text him, I need help, can you come for a moment. I am not feeling well, can you hold baby for a few minutes, I need to take bath ..can you keep an eye.. show exactly you feel ,your miseries..hug him,reward him,make him your team. Request instead of complaining.
    Your objective is to have a good relationship, achieve maximum help from him. Thank him. Otherwise these men with patriarchal mindset feel, they are doing so many things, but you dont appreciate. Use your brain. Tell him, you can't do without his help.. let him elevate with pride. Also dont neglect your husband.

    You are already tired. Have post-partum depression, I think. So you must make yourself your top priority. Once everything is back to schedule you feel better. Try to sleep and take rest as much as you can. Ask for help, dont be a super women. Tell him to spend some time with you,that make you very happy.

    Its quite natural to feel this way. Dont worry you will be fine. You need to have your own life. So find ways to entertain yourself. Have me time everyday. No one can bring happiness to you, you need to find it yourself. Who is stopping you from going for a walk.

    I recently watched a documentary ' becoming' on Michael Obama. She shared her experiences post delivery. Its quite similar to you or me. Even president Obama was not different :)

    "With the help of marriage counseling, Mrs. Obama reminded herself not to forget to also prioritize her happiness. "One of the things I learned that helped me, and I think helped our marriage was that my happiness is not dependent on him making me happy. And sometimes I felt that that was one of the rubs," she says.
    "My resentment for him was that Barack was prioritizing himself, in a way. We had babies; he was at the gym. I was like, 'How do you find time to work out?' I was like, 'So let me stop being mad at him for going to the gym and let me get to the gym,' you know?" she tells King and the audience.(Michelle Obama Says Husband Barack 'Was a Tsunami Coming After Me' in Early Years of Their Romance)

    These are my experiences too. My husband was ready to help. But I overdid without sharing with him; how am I feeling. Later only I realized, how important it is to make him part of my team emotionally, appreciate his help however small it may be (only then they feel like helping more), share my difficulties instead of becoming a super woman( else he may think its very easy to manage) and I was ignorant of his needs (he felt neglected). We did not have anyone else to help. But we managed it. Use a positive approach. Appreciate and ask for help.

    Hugs to you. Take care
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2020
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    @DDream
    Somethings are so tru in your post, some are not, in my case. When I look at Dh’s day he has time to do yoga and go for a run while I sit cooped up in a room. Lo is not old enough to sit in a stroller and I have tried 2-3 baby carriers and wraps so that o can move around the house or go out. None of them worked out. I try a lot, I have an older kid too, which I need to take care of. It is overwhelming and as you mentioned I am trying to be an super women here. There were couple days which were good days. I baked cinnamon rolls one day and another day I fed the baby and put her to sleep and cooked 3 curries and cleaned kitchen and was back to nurse her for the next feed in 3 hours. I supervised older kid’s school work while feeding the younger one, all while DH was in meetings. Some days are hard, especially yesterday. LO was cranky, BFing is insanely painful for some reason, and I feel ignored by DH. I have reached out to my lactation consultant and going to visit LO’s doc today and talked to DH on getting more support. Hopefully this resolved everything. If not, I am reaching out to my ob on post partum depression. Part of my problem is my messy house as I cannot function well when there is clutter. DH has promised to take care of it tomorrow. I just have to ride this out today or this is part of my mood swings. Thank you for the words!
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Start asking for what you want, politely but firmly so there is no chance to say no. It is very difficult to manage a newborn and older child with no support.
    Can you get a bassinet for your stroller so baby can lie down while you go out?
     
    Rihana and Angela123 like this.
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    In USA, its not possible to move around without a car seat or its stroller for babies ( where they can lie down. Its also called travel system) . I am not talking about umbrella stroller. Another option is to go for a baby carrier that you can attach to your body. If you are in India, I dont know the options. Tell him you want to go out for a walk and ask him to baby sit. Handover your baby and go. No one else can do it for you. As your elder one is 9yrs,she/he can come with you.

    Is there any way you can hire help for cleaning. Why don't ask his help for cleaning. Your husband consider him as his first priority. Learn from him.
    List your priorities and ask for help. Dont shy away. Now your health is the first priority rest can wait. Tell him you can't do it alone.
    Do something to change it, complaining won't work.

    I think most of these negative thoughts may be due to postpartum depression. I hope you feel better soon. Take care.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2020
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Angela - When I had babies, I slept when the baby slept. The cinnamon rolls and curries can be bought but your rest cannot. Even now, every day I’m down and dejected, a long nap goes a long way in rejuvenating me. You are overdoing it and then expecting your DH to appreciate by doing the same and putting himself last. That rarely works. That’s a mom trait. Learn early that you will have to prioritize yourself for your family to take your seriously. Start now. If you make it your job to tend to every single thing in the house because your DH “has calls” then it will never work out. Delegate some of the work to him. Women take calls and run households all the time. It shouldn’t be too hard for your DH to chip in a little while you take a walk in or catch up with the new mom in the neighborhood. You should go out with her when she goes for her walks. It will do you a world of good to talk to another woman who is going through the same emotions you are.
     
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    We have all that. Last couple days she is crying a lot. I wake up late as the last night feed is around 4 or5 am. By the time I wake up for next feed he is on his working hours and DD is in online school.
     
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    He does it when it is convenient for him. When it comes to house work he can’t multitask!
     

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