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Less equal as a woman?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by divs, Jul 3, 2010.

  1. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    Ever regretted being the female in the relationship? I can't believe I am actually asking this question. I would have bluntly dismissed any inequality issues 3 years back when I was still single. Never saw any difference between me and my male counterparts in terms of opportunities, expectations, respect, etc. Yet, now, after marriage, I feel less equal :cry:. I am feeling so down, overwhelmed and drained today. Just want to vent out my frustration. I'm just so bogged down by the many expectations from me and the constant scrutiny by the in-laws, frustrated by how my husband can get away with absolutely anything. No questions asked by anyone if husband behaves like a jerk, no expectations from the husband. Whereas my every action gets probed for deeper meaning, my every silence questioned. Why is it always a given to blame the wife? Why is it so easy to say that I am the one being irrational, that I am the one causing issues, that I am the one responsible for destroying everyone's happiness, that I am not compromising enough, that I am the one who needs to sacrifice?...I'm just so tired of how easy it is to pin the blame on me! I try to be strong and assertive, but sometimes it just gets to you :rant. Wish I were the man in the relationship at least for a day, just to give my in-laws and husband a taste of their own medicine.:twisted:
    So sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling extra frustrated today.... :cry:
     
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  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Divs,
    First of all I understand your pain. Lets think rationally - If a thief comes and steals your stuff will you also become a thief to get back to them.

    In the same way you are just proving them right by thinking so. If you don't care about who thinks what about you .....you will feel much better and will not care about people's comments.

    Hang in there .Things will fall in place.

    FL
     
  3. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    Divs,

    Welcome to real life, my friend. I can perfectly empathize with what you're going through.

    Indian society is very misogynistic. God help you if you don't identify with that outlook. I grew up in a metro, and my husband is from a small town. Whenever I visit his town, I get a culture shock. It seems to me as if life has regressed 20 years!

    There are unwritten rules for how a woman should be : docile (most important), house-bound (another key virtue), keep her opinions to herself, and never ever question the husband. When we have my husband's friends over for dinner, they prefer to act like I'm invisible - and look at me with surprise if I say a word. That's how women are in their part of the world, and that's what they expect from me.

    I still struggle to come to terms with the 'seen but not heard' ideal that many Indians expect from the wife. My sincere advise is : do not rely on others' approval for your happiness. Do what you would like to, and if your husband/inlaws raise a hue-and-cry, just ignore them. Do not stoop to their level and argue, because they will never give you a patient hearing.

    I for one, will never advice a woman to 'grin and bear it' because "that's what women are meant to do - endure." As a human being, you have equal rights. Make sure they are not taken away from you in the name of enforcing good wifely virtues.
     
  4. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Very nice topic divs!!

    Even i had the same view as urs and now again in the same situation as urs..every movement is scrutinized and every action/response...has to be justified now...sometimes i feel like am in a court where i have to prove my innocence...which is really irritating as i am a feminist..or used to be bfre marriage i think!! The reason is the so called society and when i sometimes ask my DH who defines society...he starts saying culture and tradition....

    funny thing few days back...H was saying u have to follow the ways of the house ...and i asked back 'u mean ur parents..so i should follow the rules set by ur parents?'...for which he dint have an answer...and H often says "Coz am a male...so.."...BullS....its only our indian society which is sooo prejudiced against women and equality..they fail to realize that in this generation women are equal to men, if not superior...and probaly the youngsters of this generation will realize, if they are not influenced by their parents!!
     
  5. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    divs,
    Hugs to you! I would say, this post is not only your voice but lot of married women here. Afterall we are in India is what my answer and its a male dominant country in all aspects. During single's life too, they don't question a man if he doesn't behave properly , but questions a single women if she stays calm too. The society can't pose questions to males and they are really irration to females. Though we are advanced in scientifically, technically but people's minds are still narrow they can't extend their horizons.
     
  6. apoorva1582

    apoorva1582 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I would second what Divs had mentioned in her post. I am riding the same boat that you are facing.. jus little bit different.i do face the same problem. My MIL thinks that her son is god incarnate and we women are lesser mortals. we have to do all that his mighty lord commands. With this kind of lady at home, you never have peace. Whatever you do, even when you are silent becomes something for her to gossip about. Lord and mighty husband can behave like a jerk and as a wife, you tell him to stop it, MIL comes to the rescue of her son. I have been to hell and after...with this marriage.. when i was single, i had a good rapport with my male counterparts and used to joke that i would be having a wonderful,caring husband.. but never expected this to me...thanks a lot for bringing it in open...
     
  7. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Well looks like most of us are sailing in the same boat! But is there a solution for this? Is there light at the end of this tunnel for our generation ? or not?
     
  8. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you dear!You are not alone.I think every woman will think the below atleast once in a lifetime.

    There are so many unwritten rules for women in our society.I don't think we were treated equal.The discrimination was a bit less thatz it.If a boy roams around with girls, he will be termed as outgoing "person".But if a girl roams around with boys , then she will be termed "characterless".

    It is still not easy for a women to throw away her horrible husband and get married again.When will we change?:rant
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Well I grew up in a small town, did all my studies there and got married to a METRO bron and brought up fellow with his metro born and brought up mother and whenever I visit them, I feel life's regressed 400 yrs.... :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl I get a bigger cultural shock of my life as I thought METRO is different but then small village clans do form even in METROs :crazy..... and my DH agrees that his family is lot more towards the conservative side.... I myself feel no different in a DIL being treated any way better than those living in villages...........

    Bhuvi
    "There are so many unwritten rules for women in our society.I don't think we were treated equal."
    And this fact is confirmed by Times of India introducing a column as EQUALITY MARRIAGE............

    I would still not like to be a man for a day..... its a bigger pain to act as an elastic between the warring mother and wife and you being clueless whom to support as each will kick ur ass, when you turn to them :biglaugh...
     
  10. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl.You have a very humorous way of putting things..

    But I hate when they choose the easy way and a shortcut (for their selfish motto)dumping one of them..:rant.
     

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