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Leaving A Piece Of My Heart Behind

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Sep 23, 2020.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    As you all know that I have shared series of threads about the fights and issues I had with my mom in the past.
    It all started due to the excessive possessiveness & the reality of insecurity as I grew old & independent with a family of mine.
    Her insecurities became her weakness with her age and fragile emotions. She became too vulnerable and inferior for that matter.

    She has always been a very controlling person. Naturally a very caring and nurturing mother, with so much possessiveness towards her children. I've known her as a very smart & strong woman, whom I passionately follow in everything.

    The world, that she built with love and passion has fallen apart right infront of her eyes when her H died of a heart attack. It was a sudden death on a very wrong timing.
    Just a few months before dad's death, we all 3 children left our nest for career & studies. Mom became so lonely and fragile after that.
    All her dreams about her retirement became shattered & she completely lost interest in anything.

    I flew down to be with mom & to make her normal. I decided to get married, and then get pregnant to give her some hope & happiness ever again.
    When both of my siblings were busy, pursuing their own dreams elsewhere, I stood with mom for 2 reasons.
    1- To be with her, and to bring her back to normalcy
    2- Due to my very own marital issues at the beginning, I felt lonely and needed a shoulder to lean on. Mom was the best choice I had back then.

    We re bonded again at a very different dimension. Mom became my everything, my partner in crime, my best friend, my family and my children's second mom. She became the pillar behind my success and the rock in my life.
    I and my children became the reason for her to start living all over again.

    She became a decade younger and active with time, because she was extremely comfortable and happy at my place.

    In the meantime, my siblings returned. They needed mom besides them at different stages of their lives. As usual, mom too returned to them and nurtured them. But this time, their relationship was different.

    Mom prioritized me and my kids over her other 2 children. She ignored her other grand children because she was busy raising my kids.
    She felt needed, wanted and appreciated here at my home. She did not feel that much of a place at my siblings' home; hence limited her presence there as a guest only.
    Over time, this has created a huge vacuum in her relationship with her other 2 children, though as a mom she continue to love and nurture them.

    In the past 10 years, there has been instances where I had to prioritize myself, my immediate family etc... but I chose mom first always.
    Because of the fear of losing mom (I can't see her sinking like in the past), I always made sure she is extremely comfortable and happy at my place. This would always mean compromising my own happiness and comfort levels.
    Eg: Due to my career, I had to leave home and settle in a different country. I could have taken my family along with me and lived together while enjoying my blessed career. But due to visa issues, most of the time I could not take mom along. Instead of leaving her behind, I always left my entire family with her & traveled alone. In the past decade, I've been living as a guest in my home, missing my family & kids a lot because I didn't want to make my mom suffer.

    But off late, as a mother myself, I realized my mistakes and its effects on my own kids. They missed me badly and that had an impact in their growing up.

    It is an never ending fight between my emotions as a mom and DD. It affects my marriage and my other role as a wife too. Forget about the impacts it gives on my career front.

    I am supposed to leave the country for work. I could very well take my family along with, and live a beautiful life together. But unfortunately my mom can not join us immediately. It is wiser to wait until this pandemic situation calms a bit. Mom is too old to be exposed.
    Meanwhile, we decided to keep her at our brother's place since living all alone in our home may not be a great idea these days.
    Mom was consulted, but she was not happy about this decision. She wanted to join us, else she would be fine living all by herself at our home until we reunite.
    But moving out of the house, and specially joining brother's house sickens her.

    She is unable to speak her mind out. Even if we support, she thinks it is best to keep quiet.
    But shows her anger and disappointment on us, specially myself for leaving her now.
    She fears unnecessarily about everything I may happen at brother's place. She shows her anger on me for not speaking for her, and not supporting her choices.

    The whole episodes of drama sickens us. She is sinking with so much emotions these days. Its very hard to see mom like this, and that certainly demotivates me from going....

    I have less than a week time to depart, but I am yet to pack. Forget about shopping and preparing the trip with kids. Its a mind game, that I feel sick and unhappy about everything.

    Logically speaking, I am doing the right thing.
    Taking my family & planning a future ahead as family together. If I didn't chose this, I would end up continuing the same old life away from kids and family for the next decade or so.
    Mom will have to adjust just over 2 months till Christmas. Then we can join back with her.

    Emotionally speaking, I understand her feelings
    At this age and prior history, she has her own discomforts of moving to brother's house
    She feels dejected and thrown out of her comfort zone
    She is old, and anything could happen at this age
    Leaving her for the first time, that too in such a sad state makes us very very sad.

    Just a vent

  2. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please ask your mom to write her story as well. you will/may be surprised. and will help her vent her feeling.

    all the best for your future!its just a matter of two months for her. she will be fine.
    Metamorphic and shreepriya like this.

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