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Laughter the best medicine!!!

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by daffodil, Oct 31, 2007.

  1. daffodil

    daffodil Bronze IL'ite

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    Job Description

    1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
    2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
    3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
    4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
    5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
    6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
    7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
    8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
    9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
    10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
    11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
    12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    *
    *
    *
    Men Are Like...

    .....placemats
    they only show up when there's food on the table.

    .....mascara
    they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    .....bike helmets
    they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

    .....government bonds
    they take so long to mature.

    .....copiers
    you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

    .....lava lamps
    fun to look at it but not all that bright.

    .....bank accounts
    without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

    .....high heels
    they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    .....curling irons
    they're always hot and always in your hair.

    .....mini skirts
    if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

    .....handguns
    keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

    *
    *
    *
    Women's Needs

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT[​IMG][​IMG] What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that ****
    • knows I'm smarter than her.
    Cheers,
    Janhavi
     
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  2. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    hahahahaha good ones
     
  3. Vysan

    Vysan Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    hahahahahaha... That was great.... Enjoyed...
     
  4. daffodil

    daffodil Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Vysan, Aruna

    I'm Glad you enjoyed them.

    Will try to post such more

    Thanks.

    Cheers,
    Janhavi
     
  5. So Sure

    So Sure Senior IL'ite

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    hi,
    Great!!

    .....copiers
    you need them in reproduction but that's about it. :rotfl

    Also, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' was good!! Enjoyed thoroughly!

    Keep Posting!

    Regards,
    Sharada
     

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