Kindly show me some lights.....

vidhi79 · Feb 25, 2010

I have seen everybody getting their problems sorted here in IndusLadies. So considered to put forth my dilemma and get the opinions on that.

I grew up in a metro and had been v.active & independent for whole 22 yrs. Problems started after I got married. I landed up with a devil in the form of MIL who ruined my career, my studies. Due to her 'never stopping cruelty' I had a misabortion thereby deterioting my health. Me & my husband started thinking of the divorce. All this happened in a single year.
After I had a daughter, the condition worsened. MIL so much brainwashed my DH that he started physically abusing me. I cud not leave him for my
daughter's sake. Thats when I decided to stop thinking abt myself and my career and mend the family issues first.
After struggling for 5-6 yrs., I have my family in the proper tracks. MIL try to stay in her limits. Rather, I never let her get out of her limits. I do have
some issues with DH but there r not the unsolvable kinds. But while improving the family, I completely lost my health. I am a hypertension patient now and little bit of asthama, uveties. I had put on nearly 25 kgs after misabortion. But cud not work out due to b/p & uveties.

There are times when I feel completely hopeless & aimless.
1. All my knowledge got wasted. I know I cud not get the job after 8 yrs.
2. The perfect figure, I maintained while young could not be brought back. 3. Had been so much engrossed in family problems, lost on lot many close friends.
4. Just b'coz I cum from metro, my MIL made us buy the house in the area where we dont find many educated people. Having those people around
make u feel depressed.
5. My husband is a complete unambitious person. Rather MIL had asked him to be so that he does not leave the town. He is in the single company
since last 10 yrs even though he is in a good position now. Even then he hardly has any friends in his company. He does not like me going out. Or our daughter joining any extra curricular activities. Firstly he is little miser kind and secondly he fears me getting again into extrovert form.

We have made some investments, properties. I am good with that part. Our house is nice. My daughter is good at her studies and well-mannered. For an outsider, our family is a blessed family & I am the blessed one to have such family and husband. Outsiders call me, a fat woman, (especially in the locality where I dont mingle) unfit in the family. Only close people know what role I played while improving the family and managing the finances of an unambitious person. My parent's side is very well-to-do business family. MIL got me married for the same reason. Due to wide exposure during the childhood, I am mostly never wrong with the finances.

Now that most of the problems have been solved, apart from raising my daughter, I dont see any need for my existence. I feel myself to be complete waste. Cud anyone kindly suggest me, how I cud brighten up my spirits and make my life more purposeful. I cannot take up a job now with family commitments & health issues. Need few more reasons (apart from daughter) to drag on in this world.

P.S. Sometimes I feel so hapless, I just keep doing my chores and do not speak for hours together. In that stage nothing affects me, none of the emotions work. But my dedication towards daughter remains. God has been atleast this kind to have given me such a wonderful daughter.

ShilpaMa · Feb 25, 2010

Vidhi, kudos for your struggle and where you're today. Its mostly very difficult for metro rared females to settle in a small town.
Dont loose hope, if there's a will there's a way.. all MILs do their best to ruin their DILs life (my personal experience).

First of all get your thyroid test done, I think you took up eating to overcome struggles/ failures in life, its a normal trend... and I guess you can undo it if possible medically.. also you mention that you used to be in balanced figure prior to marriage.

Try to find a prefession of your choice that you can do from home, somthing like a cottage industry - ranging from edible items to clothes/ accessories. Try if you can do 1 hour teaching for underprivileged.. that doesn't need a lot of commitment but gives peace that you were worth to this society. Once you start going out, you'll loose inhibitions and your health shall imporve.

rmalathi · Feb 25, 2010

Dear Vidhi,
Don't worry too much; in today's materalistic world this is the story of many households.

What you must do is definitely stop negative thinking! Engage yourself in some activities that you have been wanting to do in a long time; may be a hobby, singing, playing an instrument anything. This will definitely boost your mood and everything will fall in place. You could also associate yourself with an NGO and contribute your talent/time to the society.

Believe me staying in Metros is not so attractive anymore; what with the ever increasing population, pollution et al. Its ok if your hubby is not too ambitious I guess, as long as you have your finances managed well and have planned for your future.

Last but not least, though you can't exercise or gym, pls check with your doc if you can walk. I am sure this shud be ok - brisk walking for 30 to 40 mins daily will defintely reduce your weight + your other health problems.

Good luck:thumbsup

lavii · Feb 25, 2010

vidhi
i am sorry you had to go through so much but remember you already succeded because you got your marriage back into track with all your efforts now coming to your issues

1)All my knowledge got wasted. I know I cud not get the job after 8 yrs.
never assume this vidhi i know 8 yrs have been wasted and could be difficult to find job initially but not impossible my collegue is 36 yrs old she was working when she was 22 and quit and now as kids grown up she strated working again is being paid less but i am sure its for few years only..so never loose hope on that

2. The perfect figure, I maintained while young could not be brought back
once again ..there is no hard and fast rule that you cant become slim i know saying is easy but i have seen people loosing pounds everymonth dioing exercises,diet etc..but first and foremost you should belive that you can do it
.
3. Had been so much engrossed in family problems, lost on lot many close friends.
ya this happens i guess in most of the marriages ..its been 1.5yrs i got married but ya i lost all my contatcs with friends but ya now i am makiing a point to get back in touch atleast in orkut or facebook or even a small sms can get back old friends in touch belive me

4. Just b'coz I cum from metro, my MIL made us buy the house in the area where we dont find many educated people. Having those people around
make u feel depressed.
i dono about place you are in but even though we stay in a very posh locality with educated people they are worse than villagers so people of all kinds could be around and we cant change circumstances

5. My husband is a complete unambitious person. Rather MIL had asked him to be so that he does not leave the town. He is in the single company since last 10 yrs even though he is in a good position now. Even then he hardly has any friends in his company. He does not like me going out. Or our daughter joining any extra curricular activities. Firstly he is little miser kind and secondly he fears me getting again into extrovert form.

here i really cant say anything because some people have more friends and some have less some may be spend thrifts while others are miser so you know we can try changing but cant mend complete characters as we like

so please forget all this and start living as you like and i am sure you can reach heights

aruna_077 · Feb 25, 2010

Dear Vidhi,

Just a suggestion - Why dont you take a break and go stay with your parents along with your daughter for sometime. Discuss these issues with your parents also. Also you will be able to have a clear mind. The more you stay in that house, you will be more frustrated and you will end up getting depressed.

So, you desperately need a break now.

Since you are well educated, I dont think its ever late to start a career. So, give it a shot. Start looking for jobs and keep yourself occupied. This will also give you more confidence.

-Aruna

luckybychance · Feb 25, 2010

first of all, i must say u r a very brave girl. start improving ur career as u have improved ur family, i am sure u will definitely find a job.
dont worry
evertything will be fine
all the best

vidhi79 · Feb 25, 2010

Thank you everybody for understanding my problem & enlightening me with the positive outlook.

Shilpama, U r right abt the eating disorder. Even though I dont binge on fried snacks/food, I am addicted to sugar-based. Else, I suffer from severe headache. Abt the thyroid problem, I'll 've to consult the doctor.

Dear Malathi, walking part I do. But I guess stamina is far too much for the fats to break down just by walking. I dont even keep the domestic help.

For my height of 5.61/2, doctors donot categorise me as v.obese. So they advice me against doing heavy exercises. This includes my close family - my parents, especially my husband. Everybody around me DH, daughter, mom, dad, SIL(bro's wife), brother is fit and toned up. I am the only plump and round around.

Iam not complaining abt DH now. But thing is I havnt been achieving anything. Contributing nothing to the society & family. I just want to get on the road and make my existence worthwhile. DH does not allow me anything. He does not even allow me to donate blood or goodies to needies and orphanage. For him, I am most lucky woman with nothing to do. I sure am. But I am not happy with this kind of lifestyle not having to scratch the brain for anything. I hardly sleep at night. B'coz my brain never gets worked out that much to have sound sleep.

I dont expect many to understand the kind of problem, I am having. Some might call me fool. But I needed someone to share my thoughts. B'coz at home, nobodyz there to listen to me.

Priya16 · Feb 25, 2010

Start some serious daily walking and see you can help any kids around you with home works or some kind of free tution type.Build one by one slowly until you are happy with your life.
Best thing don't make sweets nor snaks at home and don't keep reachable to you.
Check you can get some position in your daughter school.

rajiswork · Feb 25, 2010

hi

why cant u do something thru internet. there are many sites which provides online jobs . search for that and choose the one which is appropriate . if u r interested in online teaching then try tutorvista. i ve heard it s good.

best of luck
raji

divs · Feb 25, 2010

Dear Vidhi,

We all understand your situation and frustration. It is indeed very sad that for many people, life takes a total turn after marriage.

People have given you very good suggestions here. I just wanted to suggest - and as ShilpaMa also mentioned - that you can try to volunteer your time and energy towards some social causes. Don't worry that volunteer work might not reward you financially, the difference you make in the lives of others will prove very uplifting and rewarding to you personally. Besides, you say money isn't an issue right now. So, if you are interested, do go ahead and involve yourself in some worthy causes. And see how it positively impacts you.

Don't give up, Vidhi. Do something for yourself, reward yourself. Do let us know if you need any help figuring options. Good luck!

Divs