Judgmental Hurtful People

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by ProudIndian, Dec 2, 2023.

  1. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Every now and then I come across Indian friends or relatives who are judging other people. Today good close friend was telling me about our common friend that so and so got divorced and now living alone in small apartment. She had big joint family, fancy house, great furniture etc. I get so irritated by listening this kind of talk. I am sure our common friend had good reason to divorce her husband. May be she was in abusive marriage or whatever. She has peace of mind now which is worth more than her fancy house which she slogged to clean, entertain other people. Why to live to show off people. Real happiness is not coming from fancy house or furniture or fancy car. Women do not support each other I feel.

    Some girl is crossing her marriage age still not married, someone not getting baby, someone not getting job so many comments. Help each other instead of criticizing others.
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    .I used to feel bad before but now I have realized only am in control of how I feel.These useless people will talk about others life as though they know everything that goes on in their life.Try opening these people’s closet..there will be too many skeletons to count..

    We need to have a strong sense of esteem and lack self doubt.It is tough but one needs to do it for our peace of mind.Only we can control
    Ourselves.

    Maybe that common friend is a truly bold gal.Not everyone has the guts to walk out of a bad marriage.She must have analyzed pros and cons and probably is peaceful.She also knows people talk about her.she might be strong enough to handle it.
     
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  3. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hypocrisy, gossip, gaslighting are the most commonly prevalent social evils now. Everyone thinks they are intelligent and smart to judge others around. Some of the things said are only someone's imagination and not even true to begin with! <sigh>

    Let me share an incident that happened around me recently. A middle aged distant relative had a health emergency a fortnight ago and had to be air lifted for admission to a hospital in another city. He's in coma and is fighting for life. When he was initially admitted to the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital in my city, a young relative X made a visit. She next visited me and told me that she's upset and irritated because others have taken it upon them to ascertain the cause(s) of his suffering. Some say it's karma pay back because 1) he had short-changed on some business transaction, 2) he has been an arrogant and over confident individual with no respect and time for others, 3) his wife has inherited a disproportionate chunk of assets from not only her parents but also a childless uncle 4) He married his wife (3 decades ago) without horoscope matching. X said she will never forget their words and never forgive them for all this.

    Today when another relative called up X (she was visiting me) we were at the dining table having lunch. X and that senior citizen relative uncle talked a lot about the ailing relative. I overheard X's side of the conversation where she told him how the ailing relative actually attracted all this due to his behavior. She recollected an incident when that relative had slammed the door loudly on someone waiting outside.

    I tried to make sense of all this for a couple of hours after that but I gave up because all this is totally beyond my comprehension!
     
  4. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    When everyone follows "live and let live", peace establishes in everyone's life.
     
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  5. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    unfortunately.

    some if not most Indians make a big deal on divorce. those same group love to portray how honorable it is to live miserably in a broken relationship.

    it totally does not matter whether her spouse was bad or she was. They took a decision to separate instead just going in emotionally drama forever .

    i would avoid too much interactions with such negative people. often they talk about you also in back.
     
  6. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    I have come across this so many times as well and also became a victim few times, in the sense you believe your "friend's" assumptions and then learn that the other person's reality is different. For the past few years it has been a high priority for me to introspect and think before judging, talking about others. Especially when I don't know the other person/family personally or have no first hand information about the situation. I always give everyone benefit of doubt and just hope and pray everyone is happy eventually whichever route they chose. This is no small topic especially for us NRIs who live so far from parents and relatives back home and then try to maintain so called social circles and have to put with this nonsense every now and then. Like Anika said we can only control our thoughts and actions !!
     
  7. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    Hmmm I agree some gossiping can be evil for sure. But if I think about it, we all gossiped at some points in our life. ( I am thinking about my silly teenage years where there were mean girls, innocent girls, popular and posh girls, non popular ones and picking sides etc! It was often the girls who think they were non popular make stories about the ones who think they are posh and popular. And some take sides and join them. Oh my god, silly old days :) )

    There are so many kinds of gossiping, silly gossiping, curious gossiping, cruel gossiping !Some of my friends do silly gossiping ( trust me they are decent) and claim it as “ community wisdom” or healthy gossiping :). But I guess it is the cruel gossiping that you are talking about. I read so much cruel gossiping about some celebrities ( in this site too ) But people act like, since they are celebrities ( not humans?) they deserve all the bashing !

    I understand it is the common people you are talking about. But I also know average people crave for some juicy information out of boredom or whatever. It is in people’s dna to talk about others. We all want to know about others, but if it is about us we all become highly sensitive. Just a thought, not pointing fingers at anybody !

    Having said that, as Mist said above “ Live and let live “is the only best policy ! And keep in mind that we don’t have to convince anyone else about our life decisions and life values. Only our conscience and what our truly loved ones think, only that matters! Rest of the others, they can think or say whatever they want! It should be like water off a ducks back!
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My friends and I actually have such discussions about our common friends. I don't think we are judging others. I also don't agree that women do not support each other.

    I am part of a few groups such as high school classmates, junior college, degree college, first job, and so on. Within these friend circles, it is standard for us to engage in conversations regarding the life events of our common friends. These discussions include topics such as:
    - Divorce,
    - Choices made by their children regarding marriage or career.
    - Child done with college but not yet working even at mid to late 20's.
    - Decision to pursue expensive education, such as music at an Ivy League college.
    - Moving back to India
    - Sending kid to U.S. for studies taking huge loans,
    - Leaving a stable job,
    - Husband starting start-up
    - Why a friend is currently slow to respond in WhatsApp,
    - Never had children,
    - Why sending kid to certain college
    - why private school (favorite topic)
    - Why putting up with abusive spouse

    When we talk (gossip?) about our common friend among ourselves, it's typically driven by genuine concern, care and perhaps some curiosity. But there is no criticism; rather, they often conclude with positive thoughts such as "Hope all works out well for her." And, should a friend every need help, we would jump to offer our support without hesitation, each of us eager to the first and most helpful.

    However, I also see how such discussions can be called judging or criticism. In an ideal world, our conversations would be more about ideas than people.

    "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
    - Eleanor Roosevelt

    P.S. My friends talk about me too behind my back. : ) Sometimes I am slow in WhatsApp, and my close-friends in the group are interrogated about why I am slow. My best friend once told them, "She has two teenagers currently. What do you expect?" : ) And then she reported back all of this to me. : )
     
  10. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I haven't seen any indian friends/married ladies offering help to divorced women instead they distance themselves.
     
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