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Joint family match too scared and parents are forcing me to meet

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ivlakshmi, Jul 21, 2015.

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  1. Jul 21, 2015 #1
    ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I have seen this guys profile an year back in matrimony site where he clearly stated that he wants to live in joint family and want some one who would treat their parents too well. I did not contact that guy because i am sure i cannot satisfy any one in the world and adjustment is needed from both ends. Looks like his past marriage failed due to these issues.

    3 days back the guy contacted me on bm and i did not reply. Now he some how got hold of my parents number via marriage beureau and called them.
    My parents are now forcing me to look at this match and arranged for a meeting.
    positive points in this match are less age gap, same caste and well educated earning ok.
    i was never open for this joint family from the beginning. Please pour in your thoughts.
     
    ivlakshmi, Jul 21, 2015
    ivlakshmi, Jul 21, 2015
    #1
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  2. Jul 21, 2015 #2
    swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Living in a joint family is hard work for everyone involved...

    If you think you are not up for it please do not proceed..I will not even say go with an open mind..

    open, wide , broad mind does not work in a joint family.. the only thing that works is a strong will and hell lot of patience..
     
    swt.charu, Jul 21, 2015
    swt.charu, Jul 21, 2015
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  3. Jul 21, 2015 #3
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Trust your instinct Op. If you don't want to...then don't.
    If things don't work out ,not just you,your parents who seem so keen now will suffer too.
     
    yellowmango, Jul 21, 2015
    yellowmango, Jul 21, 2015
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  4. Jul 21, 2015 #4
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    People write many things on matrimonial sites and are not serious about them. The guy has been looking for over a year. Maybe he is now less particular about joint family, but didn't update in site. Just maybe.

    You don't want to live in joint family, then don't. But, no need to reject a possible match without even meeting once. Don't assume reasons for his previous marriage's failure. And even more, don't think of it as failure. It 'ended'

    Is it possible to meet him, and then, see how the talking goes, and take things from there? I think it is worth a meeting. Of course, if you meet and there is no other negative except the joint-family-thingie, your parents may put some pressure, but you can be firm. At least you won't keep wondering if you should have met him maybe.

    If you do meet him, present the no-joint-family thing as a requirement for initial phase of marriage and reason as 'so you get time to know each other'. Don't come across as too anti-joint-family. Most marriages after 3-5 years of "nuclear" living are strong enough to withstand becoming joint-family.
     
    Rihana, Jul 21, 2015
    Rihana, Jul 21, 2015
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  5. Jul 21, 2015 #5
    blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Op
    Just meet the guy and see whether he is really keen on joint family. See whether arrangements like living in the same neighbourhood locality is workable. Clearly convey your reasons for staying in nuclear family.
    If he is really particular about joint family don't budge in for parental pressure.
    Good luck with the match.
     
    blackbeauty84, Jul 21, 2015
    blackbeauty84, Jul 21, 2015
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  6. Jul 21, 2015 #6
    Marzipan

    Marzipan Gold IL'ite

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    If he sent you an online interest first and then took the initiative to contact you/your parents through a marriage bureau, I assume there might be some genuine interest from his side. That is a good thing. Which is why I think you should give it a try. Don't panic because you are not going to marry him the first thing.

    Is him wanting a joint family set-up the only issue with this guy or is there anything else about him that you don't like/that smells fishy? Will his family also be present at the meeting or is this meeting between him and you only? If the meeting is between you and him, you could touch up on the subject and see how he responds. My suggestion is you meet him first and then depending on how the meeting goes take a decision whether to go ahead with this proposal or not.

    Best of luck! :-D
     
    Marzipan, Jul 21, 2015
    Marzipan, Jul 21, 2015
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  7. Jul 21, 2015 #7
    dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Sure, you should meet him, but use your words carefully about this topic. Be careful and firm while saying that you cannot be in a joint family "right now". Leave the door open a little, say you are open minded, but right now living alone with DH is necessary to build a marriage. Then you can check whether he is equally flexible.

    If he still is firm on this point, and is sure about it, then you have all the right to be firm and NOT proceed with this alliance, with only this as a reason.
     
    dimhere, Jul 21, 2015
    dimhere, Jul 21, 2015
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  8. Jul 21, 2015 #8
    Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    For a brief amount of time..my profile was on matrimony site (I am a divorcee). The men who approached me seemed desperate!!!!

    My sibling number was listed and she was getting all kind of calls even from unmarried younger men. Men are having a tough time finding bride these days.

    I will say...proceed with caution. Be transparent and real. They might tell you anything out of desperation. You first be clear on what you what, what you can compromise and then proceed
     
    Jazmine83, Jul 21, 2015
    Jazmine83, Jul 21, 2015
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    sindmani and ivlakshmi like this.
  9. Jul 22, 2015 #9
    ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,
    I spoke to the guy over call . He is not interested in nuclear family even for few years. He asked me to decide and get back. He has another unmarried brother and a sister.
    His parents own a house and travel time from his house to office is about 1.5-2hrs.
    It would be really touch task for me to travel that far and he is not willing to shift the house. Guys give me your opinion on this.
     
    ivlakshmi, Jul 22, 2015
    ivlakshmi, Jul 22, 2015
    #9
  10. Jul 22, 2015 #10
    CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Did he give any reason for why he is stuck with his parents? In my view you should decline. If he is not willing to build a family why marry in the first place?
     
    CrayoNess, Jul 22, 2015
    CrayoNess, Jul 22, 2015
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