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Issues in my marriage.. need help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lostinthoughts, Mar 19, 2008.

  1. lostinthoughts

    lostinthoughts New IL'ite

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    Hi ILs,
    I am a regular reader of this website and cannot express how much comfort and advice I have been able to get from here. Although I have never posted a thread myself, I could relate to many problems my other friends here are having.
    I hope you will all be able to guide me as well.

    I got married just 7 months back, it was an arranged marriage and my husband though born in India grew up here in US. His parents moved here when he was 12 years old. Earlier they used to live in a joint family. When I met him in India, he gave an impression that he was bought up with Indian values and his parents are very traditional so I too felt the same. But after relocating here I found out this was not the case. He had earlier mentioned that he just drinks socially and doesn't eat non veg. But when I came here, the scene was the opposite, he drinks a lot and non veg is his main food.
    I adjusted to this, then I found out that he is like a typical american guy. Recently I found out that he has had past relationships and also he has slept with other women before. I was devastated to hear this, but it is my fault too that I didn't inquire this earlier since I never thought some one with Indian values could do this. Now he tells me that he cannot do anything about what happened in the past. And he is telling me that he never been with any girl since he met me. I am finding it very hard to get over this. I am confused how I should deal with his past.

    We have had arguments in our marriage since day one and this whole year we have been fighting every single day. He doesn't come home on time, spends all the time just being with himself or going out with his friends. We recently started going to counseling but that is also not helping us. He cannot understand my feelings and is not ready to hear to me. I am very confused and really not interested to be in this marriage as I am not one bit happy. But I am worried about the consequences of divorce. I am so frustrated and in such a terrible mental state. I just don't know what to do.
    Please help me.
     
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  2. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,

    From what you have written, i get the feeling that you feel cheated or rather the info given to you was not correct.

    Given the situation, i would say for a moment just forget everything and think of starting afresh. Instead of fighting everyday...which you said is from day one, why don't you try to turn over a new leaf.

    - first of all cool down and think positive...just don't keep on thinking what he had said and it is not the case in reality.
    - don't fight
    - stop saying why did you lie to me
    - start working toward making your marriage a success
    - start understanding his likes and dislikes
    - start jotting down what is good about him and what you don't like
    - don't ponder over his past...it is not going to help you. Think of your present and the future
    - don't nag or fight...you both will drift apart and then there will be no salvation.
    - last but not the least try to win him over with your love and affection instead of fighting and turning him away.

    Also remember no man is perfect....jot down your pros and cons too...do you feel you are perfect, if yes then Bowyou will be the first one here.

    Try this first...i am sure there will be more good and better suggensions than this from SS and Ria.

    Will talk more on this later as i GTG for now.

    All the best
    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  3. srinivasan_vanaja

    srinivasan_vanaja Gold IL'ite

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    hi,

    I really feel sorry to hear. Though have hopes, better solutions are awaiting in the form replies. Patiently go through all the replies and decide the best that suits you, your situation.

    You have clearly pointed out the attitudes that you do not like in your husband. Now, think - Do you love your husband? Have you discussed this with your in-laws?

    When he tells you that he had been never with a girl before he met you - then he is not a typical american guy as you say. Nobody can deal with the past. Past is past. You will have to check whether he is continuing his past.

    Thats good to know - you had been to counseling and he accompanied you. May be he is too trying out to find a way to get along with you.

    Since only 7 months have passed, you both cannot expect to understand all the feelings. Still long way to go. Marriage is give and take policy.

    The more you give, the more you take. This includes - Love, Patience, good words, Care, Adjustment, Respect and understanding.

    Don't talk to him about the past. Try to draw him towards you with your love. Even if he initiates fight, do not fight back and be patient.

    Do not demand anything from him. Your feelings must be expressed to him with love and not by demanding. Do not worry you need to give up certain feelings for a better and amicable living.

    The above all applies only if you have a love for him. I am able to understand that you are an intelligent girl from your style of writing. So, take a wise decision. Take care:2thumbsup:
     
  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all I can say I sympathize with you. But what is the guarantee that you cant find men in India like this. We come across all this during marriage time boy pretending to be virtuous and later we know the negative. Let me tell you my husband has lived in India till he finished his professional degree and came to do masters to US. During marriage talks he didnt mention he smokes drinks and eats non veg. But after we were engaged I came to know. Of course we didnt have much time becoz we were engaged and married in a duration of 10 days.Although I was disturbed I did make an effort to put a stop to this and I am successful.
    Some where I read that even husbands need lot of training.We need to do it over a period of time. You cant see overnight changes. If your husband wants to go out with his friends and enjoy why dont u join him once in a while.also encourage him to invite his friends home too.
    You should also try to do something in your spare time. Volunteer or take up a job,It helps.
     
  5. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear lostinthoughts,

    I can imagine your distress right now. It must be shocking, to say the least, to discover such things after marriage.

    Like you have already mentioned, part of the responsibility for this situation goes to you in not enquiring about the things that are important to you prior to marriage. I don’t really blame you because I know that most of us girls are like that. We shy away from openly asking about certain issues (past relationships etc) even though they may be important to us. We need to change this. Because it causes serious issues latter.

    Anyway. What is done is done.

    My suggestion to you would be to strike a very open communication with your husband now. First, please get over the anger. Know that things are still in your control. You have been married for only 7 months. You can change things for yourself. Don’t get stressed out by feeling that you have been cheated for life. Yes, you may have been cheated but whether it is for life or not is in your control right now. So overcome the anger towards your husband. Start behaving nicely and normally. Think about the things that you really like about your husband. Write them down. I always recommend writing things down because in my experience they give you amazing clarity of thought.

    Now right down all and any issues you have about him and questions you have for him that you want to ask but haven’t asked yet. Be it friends, relationship with other women anything else. Be honest to yourself and don’t whittle down the list against your wishes. This is your only chance to do this open communication.

    After few weeks or a couple months of normal behavior with him, sit down and like a person you has control over her things, talk to your husband about your questions. Start the conversation with what you like about him and then tell him that there are a few things that trouble you and that make your mind restless so you’d like to address them as well.

    As you might have heard umpteen times, marriage is based on trust. This is one of the most important ingredient needed for its success. When you get married to someone you have not known from before, this trust has to be built by open and frank communication. I am a very staunch believer in good communication. I have experienced that nil, or less communication is one of the most common reasons for relationships to break or come to a bad state. We often keep thinking in our mind about things that bother us but do not either have the courage or the maturity to sit down and openly communicate with each other. Nothing can do worse damage to any relationship than lack of communication .

    So please open a channel of communication with your husband. Find out what he really thinks about some of the things that you worry about. What are the principles that he follows to lead his life. It is extremely important to know those. There will always be some differences but major and too many differences in the basic philosophies by which one leads their life are hard to adjust to. So find out where you both stand in terms of compatibility in this important area.

    And please do not bring in cheating when you start the conversation. He will immediately go on the defensive if you do that. This is an exercise to get to know him better and deeper. So give him an environment to open up and talk. Don’t be judgmental right now, just get him to talk openly and listen to what he has to say. This is one of the key information that will help you determine your further course of action. So it is important that you get as much information and that the information is as honest as possible.

    Wish you all the best. Every problem in life comes with a way out or a solution. It is just that some solutions are hidden deep inside and have to be worked upon very hard to find. But there is one for sure. Our goal in any situation is to first know and firmly believe that there is a solution somewhere and then begin our quest to find that solution. So far I have not found this to be untrue. Of course, the solution may not exactly be in line with what we may want, but it is there for sure and it will surely alleviate a lot of your issues. So stay calm and don’t loose hope.

    Good luck!

    SS
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2008
  6. lostinthoughts

    lostinthoughts New IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    Thank you so much for taking time and effort to go through my thread and offering me some advice.
    There are some matters which you cannot discuss with your family or friends directly. This forum comes to your rescue.
    My heart feels light after sharing it with you all and assures me that I am not alone and have friends to support me.
    Thanks again.
     
  7. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    this is a terrible situation but u have to handle with care..for example,if a thread has got so many stucks,you cannot simply relieve the stucks by hand so rapidly and it will not help u to come out of stucks..the same thing is life.if u loose ur life,u cannot get back.if u divorce him and go back,ur parents will not leave u unprotected and search for some other alternative like second marriage,and u cannot live with ur parents all the time and at one instance u will feel lonely..u cannot know how many problems u face in ur second marriage and u don't know how ur second hubby will be. If ur second hubby is a drunkard,what will u do...Even if u enquire and go for second marriage,u don't know what are all the problems u face.why iam interfering so much because u shd not loose ur precious life with your husband.there are so many people who has changed a lot after marriage..So,do not fight with him and make him understand who u r and make him realize that u r always waiting for him in life..so,move carefully as to how u can solve problems one by one(u can also consult with your parents or close ones,who are experienced) and make him understand what he has done is wrong and also make him like not to repeat his habits anymore..This will be quite difficult,i know,but u don't have any alternative other than accepting ur life as it is and try to chage people around..Please Please do not suddenly take decisions and feel for that after ...Even after your hard work,if he has not changed means,u have to consult with your parents and go for a good alternative..If i have interfered so muc,iam sorry..
    Thanks
     
  8. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    LostIT, dont get lost :) Give it some work and try to see if you can change it :) Nothing is impossible for a woman!! You just need to try harder ma!!

    As you have see in this section, there are lots of problems with people born and brought up in India. Obviously it needs some more work since hes already an american. As long as theres no relationship with any girls now, why do you worry. Past is past. May be he got scared you might react as you are exactly doing now and since he liked you so much, not to loose you chose to hide it, right?

    Think positively and never loose hope. Talking about past will ruin your present and future in your life. Decide what you want. To be a nagging wife talking about past or a smart wife, who wants to enjoy her life in the present and future.

    Talk to him and tell him, I would have understood if only you had told me earlier. Your past relationships doesnt bother me, since I love you and we are husband and wife now. Tell him not to hide anything and he can always trust you since you are here for him leaving all your family behind.

    Sweetie, its easy to throw away a life, but to get a good life and lead it is very hard :) Hope you understand and make the right decision! Good luck!


    Golden words !!!
     

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