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Is this serious?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tugga, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    I am here looking for your advice and opinion about my cousin, who is an extremely sensitive person.

    My cousin is 25 yrs old, a working girl. She lives in India, who had a love marriage a couple of years before. Everything went well until her DH left India for work. Currently he is in Dubai, working for a reputed company and visits home once in 6 months or so.

    My cousin stays alone in her appartment. Her ILs live next to her. She always wanted to join her DH as she misses him too much. Her parents too regularly advice her to join him as they are young couple and should live together.

    However, her ILs keep on advising her DH not to invite his wife, as it could cause further expenses. They say it is high time for him to save and settle in life, so that he must stay alone in Dubai for another 2 years or so to earn. Her FIL also has working experience in Dubai, and he never invited his family there.. So he keeps insisting her DH to follow his practice.

    Her DH on the other hand, respects his parents as Gods, hence nods his head for whatever they say.
    As per his mom's advice he never sends his salary to India, never shares his salary details with his wife... He plans his vacations and everything as per his parents comforts, never discuss anything with his wife nor consider his ideas.

    This irritates my cousin.. in return she used to complain/argue or fight with her DH all the time whenever he calls her.
    This makes him angry many times, and he hungs the phone while she was talking. He never responds if she calls back again.

    This "supper' sensitive girl is really annoyed by the actions of her DH. Particularly if he hungs the phone and keeps silence after a fight, she gets mad. She keeps on calling him throughout the night... Keep sending sms asking for forgiveness... Keep looking at her phone until he calls back, but that never happens until the next day, so she never sleeps during those nights, never cooks or eats either.

    Since she is staying alone in that appartment, all these silly matters affect her very much.

    On the next day, she calls him and appologise for her mistakes.. Then only she can come back to normal.

    However, there seems to be no end for their issues. It is somewhat a daily issue and nothing can stop her complaining about her IL and DH's behaviour. Hence, the same tear story and sleepless nights continous.

    I know my cousin is madly n love with her DH, but she is not happy about her DH's attitude towards his parents. Her DH on the other hand, is not ready to listens to her problems.. He rather crack jokes while she complains or hung the phone if things gets serious. He says, he avoids further arguments in this regard, but that affects my cousin's mental status. (sleepless nights, no food, no activites, idle for hrs etc,,,)

    I think this is something serious and someone should come and stop all this nonsence. My uncle and aunt (her parents) somehow understand about this matter, but not in a position to help her.

    Her sleepless nights and disturbed mind badly affects her career and other relationships.

    How can I help this girl?
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
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  2. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Well,

    I have asked this girl to stop nagging or complaining about anything, particularly any stuff related to her ILs.

    Also, I have asked her to wait until the next day if her DH is really in a bad mood and doesnt wanna talk to her.

    But, none of my advises seems working with her. She says, he is really annoyed by her DH's behaviour - As a husband he doesn't show any responsibility towards her, no respect for her feelings, requests or ideas. All what he does is follow his parents.

    He thinks my cousin is so young and not capable of decision making... or his parents might have created such an impression about her.

    Secondly, the most serious thing is... She is not able to digest his ignorance.. When he hung the phone up, she feels so low, and loses all her sence.

    I was really worried, that she told me this morning she felt like 'pain in her heart, sort of heart attack feeling after a fight last night.. But due to her constant fight and scenes, her DH doesn't take it seriousely:(

    Is it ok if I ask her to go for counselling or any professional psychological support at this stage?
     
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi tugga,

    Well, ur cousin is working, tell her not to leave her job and go to dubai at any cost.. She has to be patient in dealing with this.. If she leaves her job and moves to dubai things might get worse as she loses her financial independence.. Also there are red alerts that her husband does not send money to her nor does he share salary details with her.. Ur cousin has to first secure herself financially than just love her husband blindly..

    Now coming to the main problem - Her fights with her husbands..
    There are certain triggering factors that have to be controlled here..
    Instead of complaining and arguing with her DH she needs to be more assertive.. She has to be assertive in asking him to send some of his salary to her or atleast share his financial details.. She has to be assertive in telling him to schedule his vacations keeping her also in mind.. Complaining will not work..
    If she gives control of her life to her in-laws, they will definitely take control.. In turn she has to be commanding and assertive about her affairs..

    In this matter she has to excercise self control.. When her husband hangs up the phone and does not respond to her call, he is ignoring her.. Why does she call him and apologize him even after ignoring her?.. She is apologizing and then again repeat the complaining about in-laws.. This cycle will continue forever.. She has to break this cycle.. Just apologize once (only if she is at fault) and dont complain from the next time..
    She has to realize that she cannot take complains about her in-laws and run to her husband to give justice.. Her husband will never say his parents are wrong.. She has to handle her in-laws by herself (i know it is difficult)..
    She could have a better night's sleep if she can end the call with DH on a sweeter note..

    She has to command the respect she deserves from her partner.. He does not send her salary, nor pays any attention to her feelings.. Is she a timepass material so he only calls her?..
    If he cannot give her the respect and love she deserves, even ur cousin need not give it to him.. She has to stop loving him blindly , rather accept the reality that is staring at her face.. By apologizing to him repeatedly she is weakeining her stance..

    She is not able to digest that because she loves him madly.. And even expects the same out of him.. But inturn he is only ignoring her which is making her feel low and frustrated.. If she stops loving him madly and get practical, she can bear his ignorance.. May be even she can learn to ignore him back..

    He has got used to it.. so he wont even bother.. Ur cousin has to wake up and give him the same treatment rather than crying and asking him to sympathize..
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
  4. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    i think she's working and financially independant. Can she take some leave from her office and go for vacation in Dubai to join her DH? I mean without taking any financial help from her husband? Spend some quality time together. I am sure both will enjoy this time together and it may help her DH to rethink about his decision.

    Another suggestion would be like you already suggested stop nagging him on any matter. If he disconnect any call, don't send any sms or don't call back, wait untill he call back and want to talk to her. It would be difficult for her but not impossible.
     
  5. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Ria,

    Thanks a lot for your time and efforts to help this girl:)

    Basically, i have given her all sort of advises, such as stop complaining about her ILs, stop loving him blindly, stop the arguments and what not.
    - But her answer was HOW???? How can I stop talking about my ILs even after knowing their cunning moves (like advising her DH on not to take her to Dubai, not to send her any money, not to visit India during her brother's wedding etc..etc...)
    - At the same time, she is unable to control her mind... She goes mad and loses all her control whenever her DH hungs the phone up. This is where I feel a professioanal counselling would be a better option.

    That's good one.. But how? Can you please explain?
    Because she had told me once that she was firm when she was discussing all this with her DH, but nothing worked out... and that created a rift in their marriage.

    Again how? This seems to be a good idea... And i am sure, this will help her a lot..
    How can someone control their mind, specially when they are in a disterbed mood like this. This is where I think a professional counselling would help

    Exactly... Any possible tips to help with.

    I appriciate your helps and good ideas.. If you could kindly pour out some more tips on how to practice self control and assertive approach that would help this girl a lot. Thanks
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi tugga,

    Basically, she is looking at her husband as someone who will give her justice and protect her from cunning moves of in-laws.. But in reality this is not the case.. Despite her attempts to tell of in-laws cunning behavior, he is only ignoring her.. She has to understand that her husband is partial towards his parents.. Complaining will work only with someone who can take a neutral stand and be impartial..

    From ur post, i can see only two specifics likes the salary issue and vacation scheduling..
    For the salary thing , she can say " Could u transfer into my account X amount of money, I need it for my expenses" .. Be assertive and clear in intent , he cannot say 'no' to that.. Even if he says 'no' , she can reply back " U are my husband and it is ur responsibility"...
    Now, what can trigger an arguement here is when she says something like " Are u listening to ur mommy and not sending me money?.. Ur mom is so cunning".. This kind of statment will surely turn him off..

    I believe a person can control only their own mind and not someone else's mind.. Self control has to be done before getting disturbed.. By being assertive, half the job is done so that he does not hang up.. Incase, he gets angry and hangs up the phone, she need not call him back and apologize if she is not at fault.. I dont see any fun in apologizing and agin repeating the complains.. No calling him back, no apologizing, inturn she can call her parents or friends with whom she really enjoys talking to divert her mind.. Or indulge in any activity (music, painting) from which she can relax her mind..

    By just realizing that he is not going to sympathize her plight.. She can only change things which are under her control.. Her in-laws mind cannot be controlled by her.. But she can control not being affected by her in-laws..
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
  7. lakshmilife

    lakshmilife Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Tugga,

    Your cousins problem takes me down memory lane 7years from now when I was newly wed madly in love with my hubby who left me 20 days after wedding to Dubai the first 6 months in India was same as that of your cousin by nature i am not an extremly sensitive person but the said situation could turn anyone into one.

    From my experience a person who is new to Dubai needs time to settle down before bringing family in it is difficult to make a person back home understand unless and untill they experience for self.

    I believe problem wit her husband could be sorted out if there is a proper communication talking over phone really diverts lot of things limited time and moreover one get emtionally carried away .My advice to your cousin is rather than talking it over the phone let her write to him about her situation and concerns and also how she feels about the current situation may be she can be more elaborate and lot of thinking will go into it.
    My problem was sorted out in a similar manner.

    Your cousins inlaws can advice but final decision is of her husband he is the one who has to set priorities about making rather saving money or living a life together.A short visit by your cousin to Dubai can also be of great help she could really understand the situation about his job salary first hand.

    I think its communication gap ILs thinking there way your cousin has her priorities that is genuine of course.Her health problem will be sorted once she is in talking terms with hubby.To begin with she can use this valentines day to show how much she loves him with out bringing any past issue i am sure he would definitely reciprocate.Once a healthy communication starts she can put across her problem in a sutle way.As far as issues with ILs silence is golden at the moment.

    No one should involve in their matter it should be resolved by them.

    My answer to the issue is healthy communication.
     
  8. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot Ria and Luxmilife.

    Your answers are really great and so practical.

    I shall definitely pass your comments to my cousin on the same tone. At the same time, I will also practice them when needed:)

    Many thanks again
     
  9. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Tugga

    I could not stop myself from posting here. i had been through te EXACT situation last year around this time.
    i was in india for 2-3 months after the marriage and a few months before the marriage too(ours was a love marriage).
    I used to torture myself with thoughts of why my DH is not asking me to join him in the US or why he is not coming down. Added to this, i had some issues to handle withmy inlaws too. i was not living with them but things were there which had potential to spark off arguments:crazy . i would argue with DH. and at that time, i used to feel it did some good. but,trust me, it did no good :-( . all that happened was DH was more pressurised and it would even distance us ,temporarily.
    I used to do almost all of the things that your cousin has done. I used to go crazy if DH hangs the phone, if he does not call regularly etc:hide: .... this i can say mainly happens since one is completely depending on DH for all emotional needs. nothing wrong in this, but,unfortunately, Long distance relationships work differently

    Coming to your case(you is cousin), what she needs to understand is use the phone time to get more closer to her DH. do not think about joining him,if he feels this way. instead,tell her to take breaks every 2 months for a few days and go be with him. if his parents, involve in this too, tell her to inform hr DH to ask them to back off. she is married to him. how can they even comment on meeting or not meeting her:rant. tell her to be strong on this one alone. that way ,her DH wil understand how imp. it is for her. she has a job in india, right? let her stay that way. i know this seems absurd but ,no point in going away and being wiht DH when he does not believe so. slowly, she will need to brain wash him about they both being in india. tell her to start to search a job in dubai. i know its a little tuff there,due to less oppurtunities. ask her to contact employers and follow up. if she lands a job,then her DH or inlaws might not have a problem.

    abput her MIL,commenting on money to be sent,her bro's marriage etc, nothing really can be done since they are not talking to her directly. all she has to do is talk and maintain a good raport with DH. tell her to forget all MIL issues for the time being. they are really not important. if she build a better phone-relationship with him,he might start to see her way too:thumbsup

    neha S
     

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