Is this Right or Wrong

helpmeplz · Jul 20, 2015

I want a sincere answer's telling me what i did was right or wrong

My husband has been sick with Fever , cough and sore throat for 2 days , he is working hard and could not take a break from his work , the other night he did not sleep properly as he was coughing the whole night , i took care of him the whole night , giving him medications , water , salt water to gargle and good food
he was still sick but had to leave for work at 7 in the morning and even though i did not sleep along with him , i cooked breakfast and lunch so that he can eat at work .
He come back some time 5 in the evening , i served him lunch ,yeah lunch thats when he got chance to eat the lunch , he just ate breakfast at work.
I cooked tomato curry and Chikkudukaya or broad beans , he did not like chikkudikaya left all the curry and only eat tomato curry he said his throat was sore and he could not eat them and he doesn't like the taste
Than he started working , sitting there i got some snacks for my daughter which he also ate even thought they are not good for his throat , he also ate a sweet even when i argued that it is not good for his sore throat
At round 8.30 when he finished his work , he felt hungry again and would like to eat anything again , i said i will bring rice and tomato curry , he said i don't want to eat that and wanted to Pappu charu ( dal sambhar ) which is hot with hot rice which will be good for his throat ,

( my mother is with us right now , she does all the cooking and takes care of the baby , she has lot of shoulder pain and body pain , she gets tired by the end of the day
but still she does everything for me and my family, and we cook every day just like in india )

I say nooo , because we had so many curries left from the last 3 days , he eats only one time and for the next time he request another curry or upma , noodles or idly for dinner , so we have curries left over every time
and also he mentions about getting pizza or wing , but when i said no he kept calm
I said we have been eating frozen food left over for 3 to 4 days and we have cooked 2 curries just for you so that if you don't like one , you could have eaten other,
he said no way he doesn't want to eat any thing other than pappu charu
i argued saying that it is 8.40 and every one is tired and there is no one to cook
he said ok if there is no one to cook , than i am not hungry and went into the bedroom
i said how come you are not hungry when you just asked for food , he said no if you don't cook pappu charu i don't eat anything , than we had an argument and he shouted shut up in front of my mom and just went into the bedroom

My mother saw all this and went and cooked Pappu charu in the at 9.30 and food was ready by 10

i didnt speak to him at all for the last 30 min and when the food was ready i took the food to him with , he said he didnt want to eat any thing and he says he lost interest in eating now ,
even after persuading him for 30 min he didn't eat anything , i threatened him saying i am not going to eat , than also he did not eat , than we had an argument for almost 30 min about the past fights , family fights and all that stuff
he didn't eat and he said don't sleep with me tonight

and my bday is in 2 days , i threatened him that i am not going to celebrate the birth day , marriage day or my daughter bday which are with in next 2 weeks ,still he didn't eat the food
at last around 12 , i could not do any thing and slept in my mom's room

he coudn't sleep at night i think from cough and fever , he took off today
and my daughter when she woke up went to him and started waking him up crying
i don't think he slept yesterday night but when he woke up i gave him some coffee in the morning , he didn't take that coffeee too
he said he is not going to touch any thing which is made by me for his life

He says he survived without me in US before i came and he can survive with i cooking
and than said no one needs to suffer from body pain and cook for me , ( pointing at my mom )

i feel very angry at this situation , i don't know if i did wrong or is it my husband

yellowmango · Jul 20, 2015

Op ,is your husband always like this.

If not ,then you were not right.

He was sick ,not slept properly,still working.
When people are sick,they do not feel like eating. He was sick ,working and had less energy because of not eating. Most people would get cranky.

He needed some tender love and care ,instead he got a fight not just about the present but also the past.

A request for hot sambhar rice is not so out of the world when he did not have a taste for other stuff. It is also good for a sore throat.

I do believe hugs,kisses,and hot food of choice make people recover faster.
A sick person even when cranky deserves far more consideration.
The fight and accusations could have waited for another day.
The hot sambhar and rice served with a hug would have made him feel better and less cranky.

Rihana · Jul 20, 2015

helpmeplz said: ↑

i don't know if i did wrong or is it my husband
Click to expand...

In this particular situation, you. A lot of what you said was better left unsaid. And what was said could have been better phrased, plus state it only once, don't go to argument level.

To be fair to you, there seems to be a lot of history too that could have caused you to lose your cool.

oysterzzz · Jul 20, 2015

Normally no man would like chikkudikaya curry especially when one is sick. It's not just their curry. You would have simply said no or would have cooked the sambar. But you did neither. Your mom did the job and you fought with him. A lecture is the last thing a sick person would want, in addition you were emotionally blackmailing him about your bday etc etc. Was that necessary? When he said no, you would have left him alone for sometime instead of nagging him like he is some 6 year old boy. Why do you want to cook so many curries when he is not eating? Also while cooking try making lesser quantity.

If it was his mom who cooked sambar at 9 30 pm especially for him, he would have emptied the vessel and also would have compared you with her.

paramlav · Jul 21, 2015

dear may be you are right in your scenario but in this ..when people fall sick especially cold and fever, one feel very cranky and like to eat what they wish. doing papucharu is not a big deal. If your mom was so tired u could have made it and served . your dh would have satisfied his hungry and love on you got added.
pointing out your mom isn't correct. though she was tired made for him at least he could have thanked.

StrongLady · Jul 21, 2015

Reading the post I felt bad for your mom. She came to be happy with grand daughter but she has to bear the non sense tantrums of Son in law. Why can't he just go out and get soup instead asks at night 8 40 with a infant in home. These guys should look at American husbands and get some shame.

American husband takes care of new babies more than mother and these indian son in laws instead of being thankful to inlaws for helping show tantrums.
My husband try to show same tantrums but I completely ignored him during my parents visit, I told him to go eat ourside if he doesn't like but my mom will not cook as per his wishes. He need to adjust

I heard these kind of situations in every house with new born baby parents at home.

It depends on how u handle. Stop pamper him and don't waste ur energy arguing like that.

Spend time with ur baby and mom. Leave him alone.

Send him email saying his behavior is not good infront of ur parents. Is ur mom a servant. How the hell he can ask to cook at night 8 40. Why he dint get soup from outside. Even a maid had timings.

Tell him to be thankful to ur parents.

paramlav said: ↑

dear may be you are right in your scenario but in this ..when people fall sick especially cold and fever, one feel very cranky and like to eat what they wish. doing papucharu is not a big deal. If your mom was so tired u could have made it and served . your dh would have satisfied his hungry and love on you got added.
pointing out your mom isn't correct. though she was tired made for him at least he could have thanked.
Click to expand...

StrongLady · Jul 21, 2015

If he is not talking and cooking eating by himself let him be, please dont keep begging hI'm to eat ur mom made food. U r not degrading ur self bUT insulting ur mother by doing so. .

Offer him once if he doesn't stop asking him, u be quite.

helpmeplz said: ↑

I want a sincere answer's telling me what i did was right or wrong

My husband has been sick with Fever , cough and sore throat for 2 days , he is working hard and could not take a break from his work , the other night he did not sleep properly as he was coughing the whole night , i took care of him the whole night , giving him medications , water , salt water to gargle and good food
he was still sick but had to leave for work at 7 in the morning and even though i did not sleep along with him , i cooked breakfast and lunch so that he can eat at work .
He come back some time 5 in the evening , i served him lunch ,yeah lunch thats when he got chance to eat the lunch , he just ate breakfast at work.
I cooked tomato curry and Chikkudukaya or broad beans , he did not like chikkudikaya left all the curry and only eat tomato curry he said his throat was sore and he could not eat them and he doesn't like the taste
Than he started working , sitting there i got some snacks for my daughter which he also ate even thought they are not good for his throat , he also ate a sweet even when i argued that it is not good for his sore throat
At round 8.30 when he finished his work , he felt hungry again and would like to eat anything again , i said i will bring rice and tomato curry , he said i don't want to eat that and wanted to Pappu charu ( dal sambhar ) which is hot with hot rice which will be good for his throat ,

( my mother is with us right now , she does all the cooking and takes care of the baby , she has lot of shoulder pain and body pain , she gets tired by the end of the day
but still she does everything for me and my family, and we cook every day just like in india )

I say nooo , because we had so many curries left from the last 3 days , he eats only one time and for the next time he request another curry or upma , noodles or idly for dinner , so we have curries left over every time
and also he mentions about getting pizza or wing , but when i said no he kept calm
I said we have been eating frozen food left over for 3 to 4 days and we have cooked 2 curries just for you so that if you don't like one , you could have eaten other,
he said no way he doesn't want to eat any thing other than pappu charu
i argued saying that it is 8.40 and every one is tired and there is no one to cook
he said ok if there is no one to cook , than i am not hungry and went into the bedroom
i said how come you are not hungry when you just asked for food , he said no if you don't cook pappu charu i don't eat anything , than we had an argument and he shouted shut up in front of my mom and just went into the bedroom

My mother saw all this and went and cooked Pappu charu in the at 9.30 and food was ready by 10

i didnt speak to him at all for the last 30 min and when the food was ready i took the food to him with , he said he didnt want to eat any thing and he says he lost interest in eating now ,
even after persuading him for 30 min he didn't eat anything , i threatened him saying i am not going to eat , than also he did not eat , than we had an argument for almost 30 min about the past fights , family fights and all that stuff
he didn't eat and he said don't sleep with me tonight

and my bday is in 2 days , i threatened him that i am not going to celebrate the birth day , marriage day or my daughter bday which are with in next 2 weeks ,still he didn't eat the food
at last around 12 , i could not do any thing and slept in my mom's room

he coudn't sleep at night i think from cough and fever , he took off today
and my daughter when she woke up went to him and started waking him up crying
i don't think he slept yesterday night but when he woke up i gave him some coffee in the morning , he didn't take that coffeee too
he said he is not going to touch any thing which is made by me for his life

He says he survived without me in US before i came and he can survive with i cooking
and than said no one needs to suffer from body pain and cook for me , ( pointing at my mom )

i feel very angry at this situation , i don't know if i did wrong or is it my husband
Click to expand...

1Sandhya · Jul 21, 2015

Op,

I dont like chikkudukaya koora even when I am well!

okay jokes aside, I think you are trying too hard. Too too too hard. Seriously? you stay up all night because your husband has a sore throat? What??? Why would you do that? Is he a small baby? Sore throat as far as I know is not such a dangerous thing that you would have to give soo much care.

Honestly Op, if he is well enough to work, and go to office he is not that sick. There is no need for you to feel soo bad about his sore throat.

OP he is an adult. If he needs something he will let you know. Till then you leave him alone. Give him hot water to gargle or whatever medicines but dont hover like a mom over him and keep telling oh take this dont take that, eat this, dont eat that. That is half the issue here. Just keep it ready and leave it on the counter and tell him. He will take if he wants. Let him do what he wants.

You be sensible and matter of fact. You take care of yourself, your kid and your mom and leave him to take care of himself. No sense in you making yourself, baby and your mom also sick right? If I were you I would not have made anything for him at all, maybe made food for just you and mom and handled baby. When he is feeling better, and wants something he will tell you.

I feel if you had been hands off till the time he asked for the pappu charu you would not have felt it such a big imposition to make it. It was because of all the unneeded fussing and caring you did all the previous night and whole day without sleep that made you exhausted and therefore short tempered. So remember that next time.

KashmirFlower · Jul 21, 2015

Hi op, I feel both acted immature , you both fought and argued for nothing, and took it to the extent, he doesn't want to eat cooked by you and not to sleep together.

I agree with all,
one or two sentences like , what u want to have dinner? Would you eat same thing? Little early at 7.30 or 8.00 , as he is sick.
He might have simply said I want something light like sambar or rasam. You can simply put cooker and go to him for chit chat and waited for cooker whistles.

When one is angry, it is good for the other person to go silent, if it is small things like this. Just my view.

priyanka12345 · Jul 21, 2015

Hi,

Actually when one is sick he/she has his preferences on what to eat or whta suits him/her. Now this time its gone but next time when he is sick just ask him what he wants to eat instead of preparing 2 curries. dont stress yourself thinking what you should prepare and if he does not like 1 curry prepare another one.

better ask him itself what he wants to have. That will save your energy and there will be no issues of left over or he demanding something else.

He said no to eat because there came his ego that you had told no initially and then your mom prepared food. Dont feel bad about he not having it this time. He is adult , he knows when he needs food and he will have when needed. If you keep on asking him to eat like this , then it may become a habit for him that you will keep convincing him to eat for as long as 30 min. You tell him twice if he wants he will eat else let it be. So just forget this incident. if he is still sick go and ask him what he would like for lunch/dinner.
if he says he will manage on his own because of Ego then leave it there. Dont keep nagging and asking to eat .thats my take.