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Is this normal??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shreya12345, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. shreya12345

    shreya12345 New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I hav been reading all the posts here regularly and i love the way you support each other with your advices and suggestions. So I am here again to seek suggestions from all of you on an issue which has been disturbing my mind since sometime.

    I stay in the US with my husband...married recently. I recently found that since he came here(which is almost 2 yrs before) he has been transferring all his savings to a bank account in India. This account to which he transfers money is his mom's account.
    I firmly believe that once a person starts earning, he should be capable enough to handle his money and be responsible for it.

    I once spoke to him about it, but he just discarded this matter as silly and says that he s v close to his parents and even if its his mom's bank account, its like his own account. I dnt understand how can someone else's account be like his account?

    I dnt knw hw to convince him that he has to keep his money in his account and be responsible for it. We have just started our married life and when we start a family, if he continues sending all his savings to his mom's account, is this justifiable?

    Please give me ur opinions about this matter..is ths behaviour normal?
    regards
    Shreya
     
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  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    No it is not normal and actually sounds dodgy. How would you describe the relationship between you two? The reason I am asking is, if he is transferring all the money into his mum's account in India and something were to happen between you two, pretty much all his assets are under his mum's name and you are screwed if there is a divorce settlement.

    Me thinks this is dodgy behaviour and there is more to this than what appears on the surface or what he is telling you.
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Shreya,
    CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage. Money matters are always tricky.Approach it with caution.

    You can say " Great I am proud of you that you take care of our parents or are close to them"...after a while tell him that you want to have a small saving here maybe as a vacation saving or saving for good stuff or whatever.

    Second of all if you don't work take a small amount as allowance every month...This way you start your own savings.After some time he will turn to you for financial matters for now let it go...

    Dealing with in laws and money has to be done very diplomatically.
    Good Luck.
     
  4. shreya12345

    shreya12345 New IL'ite

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    Hi malavika,
    thanks for your quick response. Even i dnt think, ths s normal. I think I should talk to him openly about ths matter. We recently got married.....god forbid, divorce is something I havent dreamt of. I am just worried about my future. You r right...his assets r in the name of his mom if its in his mom's account..
    I hope more people post their advices. I dnt knw hw to deal with ths matter, without offending my husband
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Shreya

    How long have you been married?? Here the problem is..even before you have a good rapport, and understanding b/w yourself and your husband if you raise this issue on money, it would surely look and feel like you are trying to dominate the financial transactions and that you want to cut off the ties with his parents...

    How do you both communicate on other fronts?? like about future plans? does he give you options to explain and have your expectations met or is it all about him??

    First of all try to establish a good understanding relationship with him. That also means having to trust him with his decisions. In that case this money transfer issue wouldnt be any problem..However down the line if you still want to discuss you have to come up with thoughts on why you think its not right?

    Does your husband have any other siblings?? If yes then it does become like a common property or money because the account is on his moms name. Also in future if you guys wnat to buy a home in India, there should be an A/c on your husbands name and also the loan process would be easier if he already holds an account (even if it means like a joint account with anyone else ie his mom or you) Having an account in Indian bank helps in many different ways. For you to explain all this to him and for him to understand your perspective, I think its too son to raise this money issue.

    So trust him with financial decisions for some time, and establish an understanding even before you want to resolve something.
     
  6. shreya12345

    shreya12345 New IL'ite

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    Hi srividya,

    Thanks for your reply. We got married 6 months back. I have a v good understanding with my husband and we have common opinions on almost all other aspects of life.
    He has one younger sister who is yet to be married off. U r right, his mom's bank account is a common property on which both children have equal right.

    My DH already has another account in india, which he is not using right now, althou that account is active.

    Even i feel that its little too early for me to interfere in his financial matters especially when I am not working. But ths issue has been troubling my mind a lot.:spin Cos here, we r living on bare minimums and even then by the end of the month, his account will go down to zero....moreover, wotver savings he s doing, that vil b transferred to his mom's account....we dnt have any money in hand even for emergencies:bowdown
     
  7. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    YW, Shreya. Yes, I forgot to mention the part which SriVidya addressed. If he has siblings and all the money is being transferred to his mum's account, then it becomes common property after his parents and all his siblings have a claim at that money which is technically your husband's. The whole thing sounds dodgy and messy to say the least and you should talk about this to your husband as soon as possible. Even if you trust your husband 100%, how well can you trust all his siblings and if these siblings are married, they have wives who can influence them to do things.

    The whole thing is sixes and sevens, mate !!
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Shreya

    Its just 6 months...pls give some time to him...he is not a kid and he knows what he is doing..Sorry for saying this but, he cant change himself immediately and even if he wants to and even if he understands what you are saying...there is always a right time to do such things without hurting anyone. What would a Mother think if the son suddenly starts maintaining a diff. a/c immediately after he gets married?? your MILwould surely have bad opinion about you if such things happen..as if you are separating them and their son..So let him handlethese things .

    Also being the only son in the house, am sure he has his responsibilities towards his parents and the unmarried sisters wedding preps. So accept these points and dont resist or become stingy.Let him plan .

    As our FL suggested, take some monthly allowance or pocket money from him for your needs and save up for any classes or hobbies or any thing you want to do. If you are planning to work, then prepare for that.

    As far as living in bare minimums is concerned..You are pretty new to US, and this marriage and to this person. Give him time. Give yourself sometime. See what value can you add to this marraige. Bring up creative ideas to save money or to make money. Make new friends, have fun in this early years of marriage. Keep all the issues and financial worries aside for sometime atleast....Chill dear...dont worry...have some faith and trust on the guy you married...Take it slow even if you want to change anything or suggest anything! Understand his perspective even before you want to prove your point. Good Luck and Have a Happy Married Life
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2010
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  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    And why his account, your concern, btw?
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Because they're married now. It's not just 'HIS' account anymore, it should be THEIR account. My question would be, how is THEIR account his mother's concern? If you aren't ready to handle things jointly and become a united unit.... then what is the point of getting married in the first place? Marriage isn't just about living in the same house and having kids together... it's about being open and honest with what's coming in and out of the house. She has full right to be concerned about this for many reasons... one of which Malavika rightfully pointed out.
    If I were the mother, I would think... Thank God my son has finally grown up and learned to handle things on his own. Come on, kids in US as young as 6 open up their own accounts and track their savings and allowance money. You mean to tell me a grown married man can't handle his own finances without his mom's supervision??
     

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