Is there any way to reduce SIL's visits?

More power to govt schools , I too had friends who went to govt schools and succeeded. But they were few and did it on their merit than school capabilities .Hopefully free quality education become norm in India and we can have more like your friends , but the figures and results are not encouraging in present .

Quite often we see we see news paper stories of brilliant children looking for help to pay college fees , wonder why they don't apply for loans .


No I did not mistake you or thought you were creating new rules , it is very widely used argument which our and future generation should practice . But will kids care for parents when spouse apposes it vehemently.

 

You have tried to say some things, but I really did not understand what you meant in the previous posts.

Women these days are choosing not to marry, rather than get stuck in all the issues. Many of my female friends and colleagues in India, some who are much older than I am, are not married, and have no inclination to get married. The reason? All these unfair expectations after marriage. They are too clear about not getting into an arranged marriage.

Give and take and 'mutual will' that you mention are same. Every relationship has give and take, except parents with infant children. So, then, are all relationships fake?

 

Well we are born in the indian subcontinent and have grown up in that culture that we so much cherish. Every culture has its own advantages and disadvantages. In other cultures, kids, boys or girls leave their parents house and live alone. They take loans for their studies even if their parents are rich. The parents have no expectations from the kids or the DIL in that case. Parents plan for their retirement and are busy in their own life irrespective of how their kids are doing. At the same time, in these cultures, it is easy for a man or woman to divorce, remarry etc. In these cultures, a typical person (not generalizing) may have multiple half brothers half sisters, step moms step dads etc and it is fine with them and to the society. Retires go to old age homes and are happily living there.

In our culture, we don't do that. Do we let go our children when he/she turns 18? No. Do we ask them to go to a cheaper school/college? No. We will take loan but make our kids go to good schools, sacrificing our happiness and retirement. Do we let our children cook? No. My mom never let me cook. I started cooking after marriage. This is where the expectations start. In our culture, the DIL takes care of the PILs, that is both customary and it is expected.

About PILs mistreating, I am sure that there are cases where it is really worse. But in most cases, it is just mismatch of expectations between the DIL and the PILs. Either side making a mountain of a molehill. But that will happen when two people stay together. Even on ILs we see so many difference of opinions and mismatch expectations. That is life.

I have the life that someone would call a dream life. I moved to US, after my marriage so have not stayed much with PIL. I have a house, cars, just the two of us (until April), PILs have visited our home for 6 months but have been good, have good job, reasonably good DH, i can do what i want, have friends. But yaar, life has become boring and monotonous. Ghar khaane ko daudta hai.

It is good to live in a family (good or bad). We can buy everything with money but not family (good or bad). So thoda PIL ko help kar liya ya care kar liya ya karna pada to kaunsi badi baat hai? Do we want the evils that come with the other cultures? Our culture, may be difficult, but still it is the best culture. I see many indian families in turmoil where they have tried to mix the cultures. Kids don't have identity. Parents are clueless and always worrying about their kids. Kids don't care. Painful.

@Rihana, I am also in the same boat of thinking as all of us here. Sometimes, the philosophical side of me takes over, sometimes practical side of me takes over. Wish there was a clear way out.

 

I won't discuss the culture again...just what is wrong with a son making sheera,giving medicine or applying balm to his own parents? How does one become less cultured doing that? How is that against Indian culture?

Indian culture did not have dils providing financial support to the family earlier....why is that so easily accepted?....but a son caring for parents is still not part of culture.
The parents made sacrifices for him,took loans for him....not for the dil.....so why should she be the one responsible ?

People want educated working dils the son and family are financially helped ....so why don't these people also train the sons to do some work at home and care giving.


............................................................
Yesterday the headlines in the papers were of a techie attempting to stab his wife to death and then committing suicide. The guy's mom was reported to have said...she comes back late from the office and doesn't want to cook.I have seen my son do laundry.This is what such expectations lead to.The dil has to work in office late till night....come back and cook a dinner for their son and God forbid their son ever has to do some chores at home. Not all dils are blessed.They should have the right to decide for themselves. One can't cherry pick from culture.The expectations from dils have doubled but no change is expected from others.

 

There is nothing wrong or against the culture for men to take care of his own parents. It is just that they are not brought up in that way and hence may be feel clumsy to do it and would do only when they are pushed to a wall.

Unfortunately, in every culture, men do what they like to do and always transfer work to the wife that they don't like to do. They are able to get away. My husband doesn't mind dishes piling in the sink and would wash them when the sink is either full or he needs the vessels. I on the other hand, like it clean and empty always. So i have no option but to do them. i can't leave him for that.

On financial support, I work because i like to work not because we need the money. We have always made sure that we our needs are covered with only one income. Again, it is not against the culture. There are many instances of women providing tiffins or sewing clothes to make the ends meet. It is not a matter of acceptance or non acceptance.

We are lucky that PILs made that sacrifice and took those loans etc thereby having us a choice of selecting the best DH. Otherwise we would have been left with selecting from someone working at walmart or Mc Donalds. In US, most technical/medicine jobs are held by asians (around 60-80%) while in retails (wallmart, Mc Donalds), most jobs are held by Caucasians.

So if we don't want to be responsible, we can walk out of marriage. Nobody has chained us or held captive.

But changing a person, people, society or their thinking is a huge task and it comes with its own evils as well. Personally, i would choose the DIL taking on the responsibility of the PIL compared to other evils.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS: The wife of the techie had an option to not work or divorce. Everyone is entitled to his/her own expectations about others. We can't control it. Even at work, i have certain expectations from each of my subordinates and my manager has certain expectations about me. Some may find the expectations reasonable some may not. But everyone has an option to either try to meet the expectation or leave. Same with marriage. We can't control other people's expectations. I have some expectation from my DH and he has some expectation from me. It is my choice whether to meet his expectation or leave him.

 

This is a very broad generalization, the kind of picture you get from reading stories about "Western culture".
My husband is European, from a close-knit family with no history of divorce. His parents supported him every step of the way till he went to graduate school in the US. Yes, he stayed at home while going to college in his hometown. His and his family's values are rock-solid.
Many of my American friends similarly come from close-knit families. Even if the parents are separated or remarried they maintain good relations. A lot of them were financially supported for college. In some cases where the parents were unable to pay fully the children took loans or worked to put themselves through school.
Many left home on their own at 18, to experience college life and independence. Some have moved back to their parents' homes in times of need.
Yes, many parents maintain their own lives and are not ready to be full-time babysitters for their grandkids, but that is not a negative.
Also, parents who save for their retirement over paying for their kids' college are being very smart. You can borrow for college but not retirement. These parents have ensured that they maintain their independence and dignity, without having to rely on others.
There is a saying 'Good fences make good neighbors'. To paraphrase, a little bit of space does work wonders for maintaining good family relations.