Is only the wife resposible for maintaining the family balance?

aishu22 · Nov 24, 2008

Chithu ma..Spoke all our hearts out..After all this cooking mela and stuff, i suddenly got scared that i'm giving too much importance and holding all the responsibilities..and doing things way beyond...though R shares some.But,I got a Phobia - What if i am unable to deliver them thorough out?? DH will simply blame that i have become lazy ...isnt it?? Hell will break loose and starts all the trouble..Well, today morning i was discussing about "transfer" of some share of work to R and you write it as a blog! Have to wait and see how it goes for a month or two..
Well writtern!

Traveller · Nov 24, 2008

Chithramma,

If only everyone in your generation has this enlightement.....

I think only mothers spoil their sons in our country or may be they don't have a choice!

My appa's family there is no daughter so according to old tradition whenever my paatti had mensus her sons did all house work. My chithappa is excellent in putting rangoli. I, infact, learnt from him hridaya kamalam kolam etc., Naturally when he got married, appa helped my mom with shopping, cooking everything whenever time permitted. Week-ends they both used to dust together. My mom's case, surprisingly, her own siblings made fun of my dad.. saying he's hen-pecked and all that. And now my chithis envy my mother because they're all getting old and they never managed to 'train' their husbands to shoulder responsibilities.

DH's father (my fil) is a typical 'man' of his times.. he never hesitated to help his mother but never his wife. But DH didn't appreciate that and he is a great helper at home. Unfortunately my mil (and fil) don't like that their 'well-educated' son helps his wife so he avoids controversies when we visit home.

But for me the last straw was this: we went home for our son's first b'day. Earlier visit when we went before a child appeared in the scene i was 'insulted' appropriately for making my husband do chores. So with child, my DH is away from the scene of action, my baby is crying, nobody is willing to console the wailing baby (DH is criticised even if he feeds his own son) and i had to finish whatever tasks were assigned to me. That brought out the terror in me. I blasted DH left and right, in front of his parents, about his double standards. I said you either help me wherever we are or you just don't... i hated that he pretended just to fuel his parent's ego. Now we're getting better:thumbsup

Latha

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Thanks, Janani. Now, I earnestly hope....
you perform a hat-trick!
I cannot help saying what you write is very correct. It is more due to the conditioning of our society from time immemorial with verses like
Aduppu oothum peNkalukku padippu ethareku?
(Why does a woman need to be educated at all, when she has to mind only the kitchen work??).
Though things ARE changing, but not to how we would like them to be. That is what prompted me to write this blog at all!
Love,
Chithra.

madhumathi1974 · Nov 24, 2008

Thanks for talking of revolution, or change in thinking. As iam of the same kind person always fighting for changes. but iam enough lucky in these matters as my Dh helps me in my daily chores, n even he makes my kids to do as i have to boys. I got this from my mother who had made my brother to do all the work, n tought him to help ladies in all kinds of chores b'z she had seen enough as all other old generation people suffered. Now also my MIL dont like her son helping me but he never bother her in these kind of issues as he is very very obdient lisner of her in many matters.

Yes this kind of change is needed very much as it is not only the responsibility of the women, it is of men toooo.

madhu.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Jaya, there is no doubt that.....
IN GENERAL, a woman does not crumble under pressure which a man does in most cases. This is a unique relationship for each couple and they must learn to work together to arrive at a mutually convenient solution. I cannot help saying also that the society must learn to keep quiet and not pass comments on others' equations! Society often plays a culprit. We have to be bold to emerge out of that vicious circle!
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Thanks, Latha, for your nice words.
In spite of our advancement in our thinking & lifestyle, the bottom line remains that we still have a lllooonnngg way to go.The family elders will make a big "hullaaboo" if the wife demands an equal status, even in decision-making! It is still the sad state in many houses.
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Pavi, your post makes very sad reading...
but I know, it is the case in many families. Pavi, excuse me for saying this. I feel your father has been unreasonably tolerant with his parents. I wonder whether it is worth all the pain your mother is undergoing!!
But he is used to respecting his parents more than what they deserve.It is sad that even in this century, such practices continue. My heart cries for your mother!
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Lali, I will frankly tell you........
you are giving too long a rope to your DH. If his mother will not raise a hue & cry and make you feel exasperated about why you asked him to help at all, he must be made to realise that he owes responsibility to his own family when you are contributing financially too. This is sheer MC, Lali.
I hope he will not come to IL or he may bar you from writing here!!
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear Lux, one of my friend's husband helps her so much after retirement that it is a pleasure to watch him say, that he does honour her, as an individual, as a woman and as his wife.But you may not like it if I say that she takes him for granted some times and snaps at him, given the least opportunity.On such very rare occasions, I do feel,why his wife cannot be more appreciative of a man in his late 60's giving her so much of consideration.
I always say that he is a rare person in our society doing Patni Seva. Pray his tribe increase!!
Love,
Chithra.

teju · Nov 24, 2008

Dear Chitra Madam,
Well written piece. This is prevalent everywhere from ages together. First of all I feel all women should realize this. I know some of my friends who do whatever their husband/in laws says just because they are the 'mattu ponnu'.
Question is: HOW LONG? How long will it take for women to break free from this engulfing circle. When will women learn that this is not OK? Only then will changes happen. another 50 years? 100 years, GOD only knows.....