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Is My Husband A Good Man Or Am I Overreacting??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I have been married for 13 years...

    positives:
    1)husband is respectful to my family.He is very helpful and at the same time non-interfering in personal stuff

    2)I am a homemaker and even though I am financially dependent on him,he does not control my expenses.He says"Be smart and shop and at the same time enjoy".I go to spa,parlours,buy clothes,home goods but he never interferes.

    3)Once in a while,he takes care of kids the entire day by giving them a shower,giving food,making them sleep.

    4)He does not care If i keep the home spotless.He does not dominate.

    5)He encourages me to go out with friends etc..

    Negatives:
    1) He hates showers,is tooo lazy.

    2)I hate him 24/7 with his lappy or tv on weekends.He gets bored to go out with me but if his friends call,he gets up with full enthu and rushes out.Every chance he gets,he spends with his friends.he actually prefers that..

    3)We hardly go out anymore as a family.I go alone or he does.even when we go out for lunch,he watches his iphone while eating.I eat silently.

    4)No sex..bluntly to tell u the truth..in these 13 years out of 10 times,9 times I initiate sex..for the past four years,we had sex like 5 times ..am 35 he is 39.I once wore a very sexy lingerie and all he said was he was too tired and please go to sleep..after that no more lingeres..

    5) He comes home very very late from office many times.He meets his colleagues or friends and comes homes around 1.many a times in weekends,he comes home around 4 am in the morning.(I can vouch he does not have an affair..don't ask me how but trust me..said this coz some might have doubts)

    6)He has always been very unromantic..

    7)even if we have a chance of somebody taking care of kids and us going out,he is not so enthu and even if he does,we have arguments and it is no fun.

    8)He does not help a bit around the house.even if the house is super dirty,he prefers to just sit and me do all the work.I understand am a homemaker and expected to do all the work but trust me guys,even if i work,he won't lift a muscle.


    Probably if I had friends and a job,will I see him in a different light?Is this situation normal or am i overreacting?I need an energetic guy,not just around his friends.with his friends he love to play sports,go out and always full of fun!with me,if i want to go for hike or trek,he says he feels bored or sleepy..what the heck?I sometimes feel i would have walked out of this wedding if i was financially independent..
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Also let me add my positives and negatives..

    1)I do not question him if he goes out with friends even everyday and comes home late.
    2)I do not expect help around the house but would love it if he shows he cares..
    3)I try to look good for him,very clean and try to maintain myself for him..
    4)I cook well for him and keep the home perfect..
    5)I take good care of the kids without giving him any tension regarding home..
    6)I do not spend recklessly..off late there r more savings than spending's..
    7)I make sure he talks to his parents and am respectful of them.stopped complaining and is very nice to them..

    negatives..
    1)yeah..i do whine and complain about him to him.I tried being nice,he wont listen so got pissed off..
    2)recently I am getting mad at him for coming home late..
    3)I comment about his weight..not rude but ask him to take care..
    4)sometimes even i get lazy
    5)well..am actually very bored of his behavior...this may sound rude but i like active people.he is active but with his friends..
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Since you are here for frank opinions (I assume)
    - irrespective of this thread - just based on knowing you for a long time on IL - you come across as rather "grass is greener on other side" person. Always comparing, always wanting what others have, difficult to get satisfied. Add on complaining and whining - the package of anika can get very boring and unattractive as a personality.

    My suggestion is very high level one - count your blessings and be secure and avoid envy.

    Indirectly that will start helping your life. Others may give more specifics but I think this is the core.

    Accept others as they are. You chose to marry him, no one put a gun to your head, so no point trying to whine whine whine. There is no marriage if no acceptance-as-is since 13 yrs. if u marry person A and expect personality of person B, not gonna happen.

    You know the stories of many in IL and you have a very decent and good guy, yet you choose to whine. Sorry like I said, very frank opinions are what I can provide.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
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  4. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    You def have a right to your opinion and I respect that.I do understand my flaws as a person..yes yes I do whine and complain which I accept.The purpose of this thread is not expecting consolation alone but I am just confused where I stand for my husband despite trying to be a good wife.As I said I try to look good,keep home perfect,take good care of the kids,do not try to dominate but there seems a disconnect.However,yes I need to accept my blessings but then to want a more active life with husband.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
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  5. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    First, accept he and you are very different personalities, and his expectations of life can be quite dramatically different. All this "compatibility" study must be done BEFORE marriage. After 13 yrs of marriage, you got to roll with the punches and sometimes when life has less severe issues, we have the free time on hands to worry abt every small thing in life. Suddenly a big thing happens, and all the worry and attention shift to that. This is life.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband probably does not see anything lacking in his life. He goes to work, comes home and chills on his schedule. The lack of physical relations is likely due to his being tired, if he works such long hours. Once you fall into a rut here it can be hard to get out of it. As for getting him to spend more time with you, that will have to come from him. He should want to be with you and hang out as a family.
    Your husband has probably gotten into a routine where you capably hold down the home front while he works very hard to provide well. Then he feels he gets to unwind as he pleases with his friends. They do not judge, nag or complain about him to him so it is more relaxing for him to be with them. He may not want to face you after a hard day at work, to listen to a list of issues. The slow resentment that creeps in from both sides will also dampen physical desire. This is not entirely your fault, but this is my opinion of how he feels, reality could be different. Over time you have both become ships passing in the night.
    You have many positives, but it is not possible to live happily in a sexless marriage when the decision is not mutual.
    A good counselor or therapist may be able to help, initially for you to start and then hopefully for your both together, to communicate more effectively.
    In the meantime, try to change what you can day-to-day. Get a weekly cleaning service so you are not arguing about chores. My husband and I both work, but he hates doing housework and I learned it's more effective to have a cleaning lady do the heavy lifting. Much less resentment and score-keeping about not doing one's fair share. If you kids are not yet in preschool/KG arrange a babysitter for a few hours a week and volunteer or look for activities you enjoy on Meet-up. Try to create a busy life for yourself independent of your husband.
    You have fallen into these patterns over 13 years, so any changes will also happen slowly.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Get a job, start a business, or take a course that costs money (so you take it seriously), watch good quality p-o-r-n with him since he is anyway on the laptop all the time.

    And for perspective - your description could fit that of many desi marriages in the U.S.

    I hyphenated the word as IL is replacing it with four stars instead!
     
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  8. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with rihana..watch p**n in front of him and show him you dont need him for physical pleasures and you can very well take care of it by yourself..
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Aiy aiy aiy!!!! :flushed: I meant snuggle up to him, and watch together!
     
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  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Folks!
    Ok, whatever, will follow kaniths MO, //deleted -radio silence-
     
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