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Is Love skin-deep????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by diana, Dec 10, 2007.

  1. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    I am at present in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region> for my brother’s wedding. After a long time i met my friend Priya. She is completely messed up. With her permission i am putting down her problem, and want you guys help me out in advising her.

    This is her story:

    Hi everyone, my name is Priya. Diana is my best friend. She is not only a friend, but an elder & loving sister. As she has informed me, how you people out there helped her out in sorting her married life, so I thought of writing too. I want some advice from you good people at IL in order to sort out my marriage. Let me tell you from the beginning.
    I am the eldest of the 3 kids. I had always been an ugly duckling in my family (darker in colour). My parents, bro and sis are all on the brighter side. Because of this I always felt my parents being very partial towards my bro (3 yrs younger to me) n sis (7 yrs younger to me). Besides my looks, I also have weak memory, due to which, with lot of difficulty I could complete school. As I had no proper education I took up tuitions as my occupation. I would teach kindergartens n pre-primary kids. Kids gave me lot of joy. I always tried to be in the good books of everyone, but others would take me for granted.
    Anyway when the proposal of my husband came, my parents imm took interest in it n got me married at the early age of 21. My hubby had rejected me, but accepted whn my parents said that they would take full exp of my marriage and also gave 2 lakhs dowry (I wasn’t aware of it). With lot of hopes I got married, but everything shattered whn I noticed that my hubby had no love or care for me. He was the only son of his parents (no bro/sis). They were not too well off. They lived in a chawl. Our house was a one room kitchen, no separate bedroom. So we all had to sleep together, mil, fil, me n hubby, n so had no privacy. We would only get intimate whn in the evening mil n fil would go out. Even during those moments hubby wouldn’t show any loving gestures towards me. After our marriage, I started taking tuitions here too. A couple of days later hubby got a managerial post in his Company. Everyone said I was lucky for him, but he said it was only bec of his hard work, n I didn’t mind. He never listens to anyone, he does what he likes. Soon I was pregnant. I was very happy and hoped my kid would change my hubby. But nothing of that happened. One kid after another I had 4 kids in all (last two are twins – but not identical). He loves our kids a lot and meets all their demands. He spoils them lavishly. He feels proud to introduce them as his kids but ashamed to say I m his wife. He nvr takes me anywhr with him, only takes kids along. I hv nevr gone alone with him, nor with him n kids as a family. I had to only go with mil. When I would visit my family, he would drop us and then come to collect us. He doesn’t like my family. For him I was not a wife but a baby-making machine. There was never been a moment that I felt I was his wife. So such was my life for the last 7 years.
    Now coming to the problem, couple of weeks ago, my hubby’s friend came to visit us with his new bride. As they were talking my hubby mentioned that with four kids exp was too much, but he at all never mentioned abt my helping him in exp, but said that without wife working n 4 kids life is too exp. I felt hurt, but didn’t say anything at the momnt. Later after they left, I enquired with him, abt this. He said my tuition taking is not any job. And with that our fight started, it went so much that he said that he did a favor in getting married to me, n tht if he wouldn’t I would hv remained a spinster all my life. I felt hurt and cheated. 7 yrs of my life I gave him n also 4 kids, bt still no love n respect. Not only that in the heat of the argument, he even beat me n this was the first time we had a fight and I was beaten. Since that episode I hv started hating him, I wish to leave him but because of kids, I cant do that. But then I also don’t allow him to come near me. When he wants to get intimate with me, I scream. So nw he also avoids me. Life has been going on like this for quite some time.
    The things I would like to know is:
    1) Is love skin-deep?
    2) Can my hubby ever change?
    3) Will he ever love me?

    Sometime I get the feeling that kids can make him understand, as he loves them a lot n listens to them. Sometime I want to tell them to talk to him, but fear that he will think that I am brainwashing them against him, n make him more wild at me. Do advise what should I do?

    Thanks in advance.
    Priya
     
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  2. malspie

    malspie Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I just do no understand how you girls can naively be pregnant for a man who has no feelings for you (and you were aware of it). Kids after kids has made you stay with that man. You were aware that you are not much qualified to support him in the larger scale, so why the hell you stood up like a crane to ask him about the expenditure that he meets. Let him bark, you should quietly enjoy the benefits. As it is your life is revolving around the children. The distance is gone wider as its been long years and he is still the same. I do not know you personally, so giving virtual advise is like hurting your feelings.
     
  3. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Mals,

    Its very imp whn one says anything to anyone to c whr that person comes from, that is y i mentioned her educational level n the age she got married. In our Country like India, girls are still married at the age of 13/14 yrs. Priya had been very young when she got married. So taking decision of having a kid or no, was not only decided by her. So also deciding whom to marry was not given to her. Inspite of taking tutions she earns money almost close to her husband salary, if not equal. So she is equally contributing to the expense of the home.

    Let me also tell you, i have seen girls who are highly qualified and have got a good family support, marry guys who are almost nothing in compared to the back ground the girl comes from (tho equally qualified). But yet women have not opt out of the marriage, thinking that the mentality of her husband/inlaws is not like her family. But have continued and worked on their marriage to make it better.

    Diana
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Diana,

    I admire your willingness to work though your friend's problem. It s in helping others that we realize who minor our own problems are.
    I really feel for your friend. So much pain and dejection. I wish God had been little kind to Women in this kind of situation.

    Here is what I can think of..

    Priya

    I totally feel for you. I havenot seen all this happening- with one person. But I have seen bits and pieces of what you explained to various people. And I can totally feel how drained and empty you must be by now.

    First thing first..
    - dont shun your husband from intimacy. Rather use it as platform to also talk out your mind. Men are most receptive in this phase.
    - I think if you havent fought in 7 years after all this too. Then You have accumulated lot of grievances for him. Hence you are finding tough to forgive him.
    - If you see at face value, He wasnot saying anything out of the place to visting frend. Keeping 4 kids will be tough for any salaried person. And yes double earner will have it little easier. Taking tuition is one of the good option to suppliment, but he thought regular , fat salary will be more helpful to him.
    - Never keep greivance for too long. They spoil phuscial as well as mental health. Keep releasign them.
    - You HAD a right to tell parents to not be PARTIAL to you. If you wouldn't fight for your right. WHO WILL
    - Only YOU can correct your husband. There is no need of BABY MACHINE in life. So wether your husband admits or not, he had accepted you as his life partner when he married you. Whatever he says after it is just tribulation of an immature men. Help your man to grow more mature.
    - Marturity is not a necesarry outcome of growing up. Its wife 's duty to help bring out flaws and ieffieciency in a husband and polish it. To some extent I would compare such husband as adolscent kids.
    - It s your duty also to help your husband see his fault. Dont do it all the time. Quality nagging is what may work for you.
    - Use your kids to your advantage. You dont have to teach them to ask your husband to be good to you. Just use them to pass on how greatful you feel for such a good husband. Reverse appreciation to consolidate flaws works best in close relationship. Just keep telling your kids , how great papa they have. How much he loves whole family, how much he love his wife etc etc.
    - Life can be sad or happy affair as we make it. Dont stoop low for anyone. Stand out and fight for your right. Dont wait for others to give you respect. You have to explicitly tell others that their dear world will cease without this important contributor.

    I hope it helps some way.

    Ria
     
  5. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Ria,
    I have always admired the response/advise you have given to all fellow ilites in IL.:clap. And I will surely pass on this information to Priya.

    Like i said, coming from one bad background and fallen into another one, has made her low in her self-esteem. She needs to know that she is not weak but strong in many other aspects of life. And with every new problem you learn to grow stronger to fight one's own battle.

    I too had been in a loveless marriage, but then i had loving parents and a wonderful childhood, and this i am able to pass it on to my kids too. But here my friend has been neglected by all. Still i have always told her not to fall victim to life but stand n fight for her own right in as much possible way. Or she will be just passing on her low-esteem and helplessness to her kids too, unknowingly.

    :thankyou2:

    Diana
     
  6. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Diana...

    All I could say for her is..

    No situation in life is bad enough to not survive for a willing heart and undying faith. Most of what happens with us is result of what we chose or what we failed to choose.

    All the best to Priya.
     
  7. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Diana,

    Here is what I have for your friend..

    Dear Priya,

    Ria has already provided some wonderful advice here. Very practical and hits the nail on the head.

    Here are some of the things that I’d like to share with you. I am sorry this post is so long. But I wanted to answer this in as much detail as I could. Please do read it in its entirety.

    Your first question – is beauty skin deep?
    My answer –No.
    Popular opinion – probably Yes
    Here’s what I think - Let us talk about the facts first. Whether we like it or not, skin color does play a role in people noticing you in the first look. And this is true not just in India but in every part of the world. I live in the US and it is the same over here.

    Having said that, I think all it means is that it is a fact that we should accept without denying. Nothing less and nothing more. Just as we accept other generally known facts like, people with a good sense of humor are liked more than people who don’t have one, people who talk nicely are liked more than people who talk rudely and many such facts.

    My answer though is No, skin color does not define beauty. The reason being skin color and looks are just a wrapping that covers the real gift – which is person himself, the personality of this person. Sure a beautiful wrapping will attract a lot of people who will want to own it but the moment the wrapping is taken off, they’d better find a stunning gift (person) inside to make it desirable. Or else it will hold no value, and the attraction for this gift will die sooner than later.

    This is true for both females and males. Sure men may feel that a nice looking, light skinned woman is beautiful but for them to value that person and to think about love, respect for a long period of time, she has to show more than just looks. Of course I am discounting the exceptions here.

    I firmly believe this and I have seen this to be true everywhere –in professional as well as in personal life. You command respect and love by what you do and not solely by how you look.

    Luckily the way God has made us, he has given us full control over the thing that really matters – our personality. The thing that God did not give us much control over is the thing that gets thrown away anyway once the gift is opened, the packing. So let us not worry about it at all.

    So please, henceforth, do not let your looks and skin color come in the way of your real personality and do not believe that your husband does not like you because of your dark skin.

    Question 2 and 3 are tied together.
    Here’s what I think - Yes, your hubby may change and he may start liking you eventually. Anything is possible if we put our heart into it. When I say heart, I don’t mean love, I actually mean head. Confusing? J Let me elaborate.

    · You need to find out what is it that makes your husband tick. You need to identify what are the “top rankers/essentials” for him in terms of desirability in the opposite gender. Of course we all want all the possible good things in our spouse, but we also know that it is impossible. But yet we all have some absolute “essentials” that make us feel very attracted to the opposite gender. In fact without some of these “essentials” our spouses will not be able to hold our attention, love or respect long term. Again, this is true for both men and women. We women too need some of these “essentials” in our spouse to continue a long term fulfilling relationship.

    · So figure out these “essentials”. Prioritize these essentials as per what he thinks is important. You want him to like you so you should first take a stock of what he likes. Once you have listed the “essentials” evaluate which ones you have control over and which ones you don’t. Delete the ones you have no control over (skin color for example). They will just act as empty distractions for you if you keep them in.

    · Now the list of “essentials” has only the ones you have control over. Keeping the prioritized list in front of you and depending on YOUR ability start building these “essentials” in your personality. When I say your abilities, I mean there will be some things that we cannot change in ourselves due to hard limitations. Like you said you have a poor memory which did not allow you to get a very high education. So if your husband expected a very highly qualified wife, then that may not happen, not immediately at least. So don’t worry about it for now. Focus on what you immediately can start working on.

    If you adopt this process of slowly working towards the things you have control over, I am EXTREMELY confident that your husband will take notice of it and will start paying more attention to how and what you are changing to. He will come around. Things will definitely be WAY better for you than what they are now.

    Wish you all the very best.

    SS
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2007
  8. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear SS,

    Thanks for your valuable advise. The best thing about Priya, which everyone likes in her, is her good attitude and her cooking. She cooks wonderful. This is one thing her husband admires in her, so much that he asked his mom not to cook any more, as he found that Priya cooks much better than her. Also her work is clean and she is very committed, her family is never late for anything, kids to school or hubby to work. Besides finance she manages everything in her house. Her inlaws who were first grumpy, now has mellowed down and loves her as her own daughter.

    But when she is neglected and avoided by her own husband, makes her depressed and has lowered her self esteem. She used to always tell me, I do everything for him to take notice, but nothing has changed him.

    And now after doing so much for him and his family, when he has raised his hand on her, has made her mad at him. I asked to get over it and for once forgive him. As I know inspite of all this she loves him a lot.

    I also asked if she changing her looks and outfits, will improve anything. She says that her hubby loves simple dressing and would be mad if he she cuts her hair. Except her dark skin, everything is so beautiful in her. Her way of talking and mixing with people, shows her genuine nature.

    These days I have asked her to visit parlors and atleast get her eyebrows n facials done, once or twice a month, that way she will appear neat, which she has agreed on. It is very important that we take care of our looks, as we take care of our house n fly. Right.

    Diana
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2007
  9. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Diana,

    Priya sounds like such a nice and talented person. She deserves the best.

    I really liked your advice about improving looks if possible. Not just because good looks get you noticed but mainly because I believe that any area in our life is worth improving on. Whether it is looks, skill set, nature, thought process, our personality, anything. Anything that can be made better should be made better.

    The other thing she must do, if she already isn't, is to start asserting her strengths. Sometimes people will not notice your strengths until you point them out.

    I wish Priya the best..

    SS
     

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