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Is it Wrong on my side!!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by meetumeetu, Jul 19, 2010.

  1. meetumeetu

    meetumeetu New IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Im recently married and i have few problems which makes me think whether its just my thinking. Just wanted to share it with you guys and wanted to see wat u ppl suggest

    1. Im the only sibling to my parents and ours was arranged marriage. My inlaws are good , but they hardly express anything out. We had been to india recently and my parents had gifted me with jewellery which they handed it over to my inlaws ( diwali gift) and went i went there they MIL gave it to me and i wore it , but she hardly told that it looked good on me..though i do not expect those things it makes me feel kinda.. she is not satisfied with wat my parents do.(its always the same she hardly tells anythings). when i asked abt this to my DH , he told me that she is always like this. So, inturn i don't feel like telling anything to them.


    2. My DH has a younger sister and a younger brother and he sends money to his parents every . He had been doing it for the past 9 months , but never has made it a point to tell me but my DH is really good to me... Each time his mother asks him regarding the money I move away from the place... so that my temper level does not rise.Im not against him sending money to his parents , but he could have told me...We do have commitments and i do know the amount he sends to his parents..Its really really more and they are yet to get his sister married(studying college) We live in the US . I really do not know how much will he be spending for his sisters marriage too.. We too want to buy a Flat back home. Im trying to tell my DH that the prices are reaching the sky level but he hardly cares. Though buying a flat is not a major concern , the only thing is why hasn't he told me yet that he is sending money to his parents every month..And im extremely hurt and how to i approach my DH with this issue..

    Waiting for your suggestions!!! :cheers

    Cheers
    Meetu
     
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  2. VSDeshpande

    VSDeshpande New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    See it takes time to understand people.First thing don't be prejudiced about your in-laws.(I am not saying that you are) Try to understand them.Take help of your hubby.Think his sister as your sister. Don't allow your ego to come between your relations,see it takes lifetime to join these tender threads of relationships; but it takes only a second to destroy everything. You are new to this house, make everybody feel that you are one of them.Just understand one thing don't force to get hold of the things. First serve (!) them,care,love them and these people will always support you. You will be automatic in command.I just want to emphasize on one point that give enough time to build these relations.
    May be your in-laws are shy,they take more time to open up. Make assure your mother-in-law,father-in-law that you and your husband will take responsibilities on your shoulder after them. See,after all your hubby is the eldest. First make them understood that you are not running away from your responsbilities. Discuss patiently with your husband that you are not against his financial help to the family. May be he is under impression that you don't like to help your in-laws. Take some small steps,(like investing somewhere for your sister-in-law's marriage,helping your brother-in-law to get good job) .Your initiative will make them happy and they will open up.
    These are experienced advises, many ladies (daughter-in-laws) have undergone the same experience.Don't react immediately,Don't make haste.Your concern about your future is very true.But get the things done with the help of your hubby.See this house,these people as your own,and behave like that.Then see,how things fall in place!
    We are on the other end,we (your friends at Indusladies) do not know the things minutely,as you know;but again these are based on experiences and we have got positive response.Make your people happy and they will take care of your happiness!
    Best of luck.
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Meetu,

    Here is a question does he speak in front of you about money? Then he just assumes you know. Its something that he thinks is similar to having dinner everyday or paying bills so does not bother to discuss.

    You can talk to him about starting a savings fund or something for your future. As long as you are saving for the future,paying bills and have no debt its ok that he sends money to in laws.

    You can participate by getting a job, putting SIL's profile on matrimonial sites and looking for matches, talking to MIL about future plans....

    Believe me they will welcome you with open arms and be more closer if you do this.

    Don't worry..this is a part of being married. Many men go through this phase too ( why should I spend money on her or her relatives, why buy expensive gifts, why take her out). It will pass.

    FL
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2010
  4. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Meetu:
    Perhaps you and your hubby can carve out a budget and in making that, decide the apportionment of money that is coming in. In this way, salary and other objectives can be decided and you can also set up some savings so that you feel more secure. Lots of young people are not in the habit of doing a budget and this is pretty important if you are paying in many directions. It will also help you in knowing how much you have to spend in discretionary spending.

    Now as to how you perceive your MIL in her thinking....you really don't know what she is thinking. It is not good to try and project a meaning on what another is thinking or feeling because none of us is mind readers. You find out through communications and through the actions of the other person. I will tell you a story that happened to me a couple years ago. I am older and thus more experienced in life than you and have lots of experience dealing with people in many settings. But i was taken unawares myself on my last trip to Delhi. I was at the mall in Rajouri Garden and I was walking across the wide open area. I was wearing a new salwar kameez I had made in Bangalore (purple raw silk kameez with tan raw silk pants...lots of work on the front). There was a woman and her adult daughter across the way giving me really strange looks and I started getting uncomfortable and irritated. Finally I said to them is something wrong? They kind of clicked into awareness and the woman said...I am so sorry, I was just admired how smart you look and wondering where I could get that salwar suit. This was not what I had thought was going through their minds when I had seen their looks. I had thought perhaps they were thinking something negative. We then had a very nice talk (she was a professor down to Delhi for shopping and visiting family) and exchanged cell numbers and she invited me to visit her if I was in that area in future. Anyway...my point to you: what goes on in someone's mind may not be reflected in their faces or may not be properly discerned if our own minds or points of view are expecting something and not open to any possibility.
     
  5. meetumeetu

    meetumeetu New IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,
    @foundlove yes he does speak abt it in front of me


    Thank you all for your advice and so nice of you ppl to have shared your real experiences too. will surely change my mind set.Thanks again

    cheers
    meetu
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2010
  6. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Meetu.. others here are so right..

    next time you want to know what your MIL thinks, do ask her politely 'how is this?' 'is this nice?'.. You open a little bit and you will see a difference in others.. when I was newly married, my MIL too never used to comment.. good or bad.. thinking I might take it wrong, feel bad, mistake her, she never used to comment.. later when I got a little comfi.. I started asking her and she opened up.. and she has become very frank these days.. like they are all new to you, you are new to them too.. they (especially MIL) too may be wanting to understand you.. BTW, when she comments on something, you like it or not, take it easy, do not react too much.. just accept it.. if you like it, enjoy it, if you dont like her comments, say fine and move on.. dont take it to heart. when she sees you are sportive, she wont feel bad in telling exactly what she thinks.
     
  7. daisymom

    daisymom Senior IL'ite

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    some ppl are indeed just quiet... so dont worry abt it. my DH loves me a lot but he wud never praise the way i look in a new dress etc unless i ask him how i m looking... ur MiL might be that way. why not just ask her if the jweleray is suiting u etc.

    i think ur DH is not aware that u want him to talk to u in detail abt sending money to his parents. i wud suggest u talk to him about chalking out ur monthly expense one weekend. just classifying ur overall expense. while doing it, mention the monthly money being sent to ur inlaws. be casual while talking about it. it will give him an open door to discuss it with u.

    dont complain about the amount he sends. instead, suggest to him that u guys shud make a separate fund in a different bank account where u will put a fixed amount every month for ur future plans like buying a house.

    this is what i did when i found out i was pregnant and i knew i had to save money to make sure there is no problem when it comes to the medical expenses of delivery or buying basic things for the baby

    best of luck :) :thumbsup

    hope i helped :)
     
  8. uvs

    uvs New IL'ite

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    Dear meetu
    As you are recently married your dh may not know what are the things you expect from him to share...
    First of all, after marriage all the ladies think to have all the responsibilities handed over to them(which includes even sharing of all financial matters,etc). But this is not correct.As it take time for the woman to adapt new environment ,it takes time from their side also for the things to change.
    So share your thoughts openly with your husband(always bear in mind that it should not end up in quarrel)
    By the pass of time everything will change
    Regds
    UVS
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2010

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