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Is It Really Worth Living This Way!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tanya3, Nov 12, 2020.

  1. tanya3

    tanya3 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I need some advice.
    I stay with my husband, my daughter and MIL(separated from FIL long long ago).
    MIL has OCD issue so full day she keeps cleaning things which are already clean according to me. (Like washing utensils done by maid already).
    MIL was never in good terms with me.
    She always wanted DIL who would do house work full day with 0 free time and expects from everyone to give lots and lots of attention to her.
    My Husband is trained to do lot of house work from childhood (except cooking) and matured more compared to his age quite early.
    Now with Covid me and my husband are working from home.
    MIL and i had fights in past and she always threatens to leave house and go.
    She cannot listen anything "No", likes everything her way...any variance or taking even a spoon without telling she gets upset.
    She is upset 360 out 365 days bcos of me.(Issues are very small, table is micro cm away from his place, this spoon not to be used other to be used,not touching particular utensils)
    I am adjusting to all these things for 10years.
    Husband is only son and does not want his mother to separate but deep down I and MIL cannot stay together.
    We have nothing is common...she only like cleaning...i love cooking, going out with friends,travelling.
    I prefer keeping maid for things which i don't like doing much...she is against maid and believes in slogging full day.

    I feel living this way together nobody is happy...is it worth living this way..
    somethings i feel like leaving my husband too(my husband is really good person) because i cannot bear my MIL.
    She does lot of mental torture....every festival, my every birthday...most weekend she will be upset...
     
    Viswamitra likes this.
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi @tanya3,

    Most people will say the relationships determine the quality of life but honestly, quality of life should be the #1 priority for each one of us. In fact, relationships should be built keeping quality of life in mind. We have all taken birth to pursue happiness and without pursuing happiness, life is not worth anything. Here in this situation, each one of you in the family is not happy one way or another.

    Frankly, the position you are in is common with most families. But I can tell you with confidence that leaving your husband for an issue like this should not be considered especially when he is a good person according to your own description. The root cause of your MIL OCD should be evaluated and I feel depending on the cause, the following options should be considered:

    1) You need to talk to your husband telling honestly the sufferings you are experiencing. In fact, you need to phrase it in a way that his mother is suffering due to OCD and that has a direct impact on your quality of life every day. There has to be a treatment option that needs to be evaluated. You need to mention it to your husband that would result in an improvement in quality of life for all three of you.

    2) If there is no improvement in her OCD and it is the pretension to make you feel bad about not keeping things clean despite not allowing maids to be hired, then, there has to be a gentle action to set her a home closer to you so that she can keep that home as she likes. Your husband should realize that taking care of mom can be done in many ways. He needs to spend some quality time with her every now and then and that should be acceptable to you and your child.

    Many of us have gone through this situation in life and it is best to address it as early as possible. You have already spent precious 10 years of married life with this problem and at least, it should be addressed quickly at this point.

    ILites may have many options for this trouble which may be better than what I have suggested above and please wait for a while to receive suggestions from other ladies before you make your final decision.

    All the best to you.

    Viswa
     
    joylokhi, tanya3, DDream and 4 others like this.
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    tanya3: I looked at the title of your post, with two exclamation marks. Your post does not ask any questions also. You seem to be surprised at yourself having to live differently than (perhaps) the way you may have planned. Your mention of "worth" suggests that you want us to comment on whether your life's positives outweigh your life's negatives. A transactional value guesstimate, is what you seem to want.

    OCD diagnosis is simply your opinion. You can take pity on the old girl and her limited scope of a world when all she has to fuss about are stuff that are stupid minutiae of housekeeping. You may go out with friends, colleagues at work, travel etc.. after this corona virus situation is over, but she will be continuing to fuss about napkin folding and such.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The good Lord in his wisdom, gives some blessings and retains some with him.

    In this matter, He giveth:
    Whereas in this regard, He keepeth, not giveth:
     
    Viswamitra likes this.
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My MIL is similar, she is obsessed with tradition and too orthodox...she has some rigid principles and ideals...
    smallest deviation will make her yell at me...FIL doesn’t say anything to her and quietly listens..
    not a single day when she was easy going and kind on me...
    and in spite of making adjustments she has no satisfaction or appreciation or contentment..
    Really our physical and mental health get spoilt with such people..
    I’ve no idea how to deal..
     
    tanya3 likes this.
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Tell her you won't do anything if she yell. Go to another room immediately. Stop doing it if she yell..ignore when she yell. Or behave as if she dont exist and do what you want when she is yelling. So many ways...She should get the message yelling will not result in positive outcome. Be firm on it.

    OP, You can't control her emotions. She is unhappy with herself. So control what you can. Do what you can. Ignore rest. Consider her as a sick women. Be empathetic but don't yield to her tantrums and dont take that to your heart. Best way is to shift her to her own space or home like @Viswamitra said above. But if that's not possible, accept the situation and think about how you can make it better.. why don't you talk to your husband about your confusion on how to make her happy, without complaining about her (use sentences starting with I, it should sound as your feeling). Leave the job of making her comfortable to her son. Let him talk and do the things she wants.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2020
  7. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    You cannot change such people. infact when you shout back , such people will make it like you have the issue.

    DDream has suggested well. If you are living under the same roof, no need to tolerate but no use in fighting . If she cannot adjust , then just stop that task. Go to your room . if you have kids, just make sure they are fed and taken care.

    Hope your spouse support is there. Otherwise it is a long battle.
     
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Some simple tricks might yield desired results to OP.

    1. When MIL begins to yell
    • Pretend Removing the long cotton from your ears or rush to shelf in the kitchen or in reception area to fetch cotton and start stuffing it into your ears. And keep smiling.
    • MIL too to be offered to stuff her ears with the cotton lest her own noise lead to progressive deafness in her ears..
    • Be suggestive in soft tone do not react loudly reply in whisper
    2. When MIL wants to use a spoon, pick up some half dozen and bother her to choose one from many. After her picking up one, put the rest of the spoons for wash in the sink.
    3. For treating MIL of her OCD, OP SHOULD pretend to suffer from same KIND of OCD ... keep put her things into wash often..WASH THE CURRENCY NOTES AND DO OTHER ODD WASHING AND CLEANING OFTEN ONLY IN HER PRESENCE.
    4. OP Should Call her lady-friends - in group - keep chatting about their MILs in presence of your MIL and talk high of your MIL s cleaning madness, disliking travel and her constant yelling.
    There is no point in being serious about MIL all the time.

    Progressively maintaining this attitude would lend itself more peace to op and desire to quit husband would evaporate.

    Seasons greetings.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2020
    tanya3 likes this.
  9. tanya3

    tanya3 Senior IL'ite

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    Th

    Thanks you so much for your advice!!!!
    You are correct, main issue is OCD which is creating most of problem in my life.
    I have tried to talk to my husband about OCD issue.
    He accepts it and spoke with my MIL on this.
    But MIL is not at all ready to visit any doctor.
    I am trying to save my relation but it is getting too much.
     
  10. tanya3

    tanya3 Senior IL'ite

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    t
    Thanks for your advice.
    I will try to follow your tips
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.

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