Is It My Fault Completely

Hello OP. This is more of an inner conflict, than an outer one. It sounds like you are feeling guilty for going behind your husband's back to set up some security, before you make any irreversible decisions about your marriage. I get it, since I was doing the same thing.

Considering all the stresses your husband has caused for both you and your parents, I think you will have to readjust your morals for just a bit. You do not need to inform him of your financial plans, and these plans are not the reason why your marriage is on the rocks. The problems are from before, and you are setting up your safety plan. Do not feel ashamed or flustered because of this - you are not wrong for doing something like this. I will advise you, going forward, tell your parents NOT to share this type of information with your husband, at least to prevent present upheavals and guilt-trips.

Your husband does not acknowledge that he has an anger problem, while it is apparent to you and your parents. Even you might forget it occasionally, when he is in a good mood, and returns to his loving husband phase. Unless your husband is working to save this marriage, then you don't owe him an explanation.

 

If you are making your own money how is he going to stop you from getting a loan?

 

This is a classic example of gaslighting ( look it up if you have not heard about it.

 

Hi,
In this case I feel mistake is on ur side.no matter whose money is that.money. Will come and go but basic respect and understanding is important in life.u should havecommuicated this to him and u both should involve before taking a first step...

If u do like this automatically he will do something else like this...this is not good for ur relationship...I seriously wonder how ur parents didn’t check with u about communicating this with ur husband his wish and all?

Try to apologize to ur husband anD stop this project .buy a new one muatully.

 

OP, go ahead with ur plans and invest.scheming with parents and doing everything in secret is a standard compliant of husbands.its a form of keeping us under their thumb.dont budge. For any major purchase or decisions u will hear the same song.make a firm mind and go ahead.see to it that its only in ur name..not going ahead won't stop him from thinking the same.good luck.

 

While you are married, whatever investment you make, will still be joint marital property, even if it is under your name (unless it's under your parent's name). If you feel guilty that you are making financial decisions without him, don't. You had already talked to him about keeping your account separate and he accepted. Regardless of the separation, he still has a share of it. This separation just gives you some autonomy in the future. Signing for a loan is a big decision, and I can see why it might have perturbed him, but you had no intention of keeping that investment secret - it was accidental. Apologize for the mistake, but continue to find ways to gain some financial independence. Separate bank account, separate credit card, separate investments (that don't include a loan) etc. Those things are fine, and he cannot scrutinize you for it - AND your conscience will be clear.

 

You have nothing to apologize for . Your husband with his temper tantrums is a bully . He is able to manipulate you easily and hence has gotten away with behavior that is unacceptable to most women. Don’t get into a habit of believing everything he says, your self esteem has taken a big hit as it is.

You are in a emotionally abusive marriage with a unstable husband. You should strengthen your individual financial position, if it means investing in property without husband knowing so be it.

The priority now for you is to make sure he seeks help for his anger issues. Don’t be carried away by the guilt that he is trying to induce , this will continue all your life unless you stop it right away. 9 years is a long time to be scared, guilty, unhappy and confused . Take charge of your life and emotions right now .

 

I feel like such a big financial thing you can't hide from husband it's not correct. Imagine if it was the other way round and your husband was buying properties without your knowledge would you be cool about it?

But then, I don't know your history with your husband and whether he is good or bad or controlling and maybe he did some things to make you feel financially insecure.

Better way is to keep him in confidence but use diplomacy skills to convince him that you have to do this, and it is a good idea. Unless you have given up on this marriage, it's not good to keep such big things secret.
Also, you are having communication gap with your parents that's why they revealed to him.You need to sort it out first.