Is it better to hide our marriage problems from aquaintances....for how long?

Other have given good advice.

I just see one pointer missing here.
How long it has been since 911 call. Few weeks, few months? or few years.

I am guessing its few weeks. correct me If I am wrong.

Give few month's time to heal. And dont impose yourself on him. Just live your life and you dont have to socialise in common circle till that time. Indian friends can be very curious types. So just stay away for sometime. Meanwhile for socialization, you can take your kid to park ,music/dance/library classes and all.
When we cause this kind of hurt. There are few elements which shake from foundation of marriage. So its not quick fix healing process. I am sure his hurting you also will not go away from your mind for few decades. So any hurt comes along with scars. But right now what you are dealing is live wounds. You cannot expect him to wine and dine with you nicely. First he needs to nurse his own wounds. Thats what he s doing.

You need to facilitate that to him. Just do your routine part of wife willingly. Dont enforce any talks on him, email anything. First he needs ti realize that you are willing to be part of his life than be part of his debacle. Nothing speaks stronger than silence in these scenarios.
You need to ignore that he had told his friends. But you need to keep your things away from outside people. Once in a while you can tell your neighbour, how great you husband is. Goodness usually has full circle path. It will come back to you.

I am not asking you to wallow in pain and suffer and sacrifice. All I am asking is silence strategy. When noise of distrust, words and actions become too loud in our ears , we need to heal our wounds by silence.

 

dear sihi,

i can totally understand what you are going through.
you and your kid needs some friends so that you can leave the problems at home and spend some time. even when me and husband fight and didn't talk for 2 days it is miserable and i can't hide that sadness from my face . so i think you are taking a lot.
how long you two have stopped talking ? do you think he will change and can lead a happy life with you
how is he towards the daughter like taking her to parks or outside on weekends without you?
i know it is miserable to live under one roof like strangers for long time Be brave talk to your mother , you are financially independent ,think and act wisely
he is holding the grudge that you called 911 and not ready to forget. do you think he will change and can lead a happy life with you ?

god bless you

manju

 

Sihi,Let me tell you you have to chose whom to tell. If you are good friends with them ,please do tell. Otherwise to just hi hello friends do not tell.
I live in US. Here it is more friends than relatives as we dont have many here.6 months after coming here when my husband was laid off and we were tensed ,i made a mistake of confiding to one of my husband;s collegue;s wife. BIG MISTAKE. She didnt support me or anything but abused me back. So we need to chose whom we confide to. On the other hand one of my husband;s friends wife without telling her she comforted me. I can never forget how much she comforted me during those times.
Why dont u sit down calmly with your husband and tell him how you feel. India trips can be stressful with couples as it will be all in laws complaints and husband;s acting up. So after coming back it will be a tense 2-3 months. then it is back to normal. Dont worry too much about it. Also if your husband is not interested in attending get togethers ,you and your daughter do .Tell them your husband is busy or something.

I dont know if i am over the line here but please as much as possible do not confide in your office mates. Unless you are friends with them for a long time and they have a fair idea of your family.Usually it results in a office gossip and by a short time the whole office would be aware.
Take care

 

I liked what blondie and chocolate wrote. A close confidante will help and not some XYZ. Reasons

1. They will judge / form opinions about you, which in turn will affect their behavior towards you or your husband. For ex. in your case some people have stopped talking.

2. Once both of you are patched up back, everyone is going to look at you weirdly or look down on you. They will wonder' how much they fought the other day and see them today'.

3. Gossip. Curious indians as Ria said, may talk about it behind, not with concern or sympathy sometimes, but for pure gossip.

4. Projects that you are weak. This is true when, you spread it to whole world or someone to whom you said tells it to whole world. That manager example was good.


I do not imply that you bear all of it in silence. What about your parents or any close family friend you know for years and your husband doesnt mind that he/she intervenes. Or what about his parents/siblings. In times of stress a close trustworthy friend is an asset. Use it.

 

Sihi.. read your threads now..

I hope there are some changes in your home :bowdown:bowdown

 

Hi Sihi,

Just the other day, I was thinking about how you were doing? Good to know that there are some, albeit small changes. How is your daughter doing? When are u planning to go to India. It will be such a well deserved break for you both!