Is inviting friends necessary at this time??

Priya16 · Jan 8, 2010

LiveLife ,

I want to be honest with you here.

Even though he is hitting you are not taking any action here.That's why he keep on hitting you here.

Why are you numb?Do you have supportive parents? What are the options you have to get out of the house and let him know you won't tolerate any more of that.

What if,if you tell you would call the cop next time if he raises hand on you.

I think we need to know more of your own situation.I know you have 2 kids and you don't want make your house environment messy.

I observerd with this kind od men,They dominate the house because they are the bread winners and they would assume women have no way to go like a servant.

Suppose,if you get servant,you would imagine you can shout on her if she don't work well or whatever.So here also the scnario is similar.They would think they are giving you food and shelter and they can do anything for you.As long as you don't stand up for yourself this will not change.

People whoever does these things they may not be courageous at all.

So tell us more about your current situation and family support.

livelife · Jan 8, 2010

I do have a very supportive family, and I am sure my confidence will boost and will be able to take the right decision when I get inputs from IL's as well.
Here goes my story, please read and let me have the courage to do the right thing.

My parents were here for my delivery, my DH has not given me peace of mind after the delivery(It was a C-Session).He used to be around me from the day I came back home from hospital with silly complaints, like ask mummy to wash vessels very clean, did you feed our first kid, why did you feed her so late,make sure you give this and this food, ask dad not to go out in this cold weather, make sure they hold DD's hand when they go for walks etc etc.

I had read one of the IL's puni88(I hope I wrote her username correct)post.I should say that my story is the same, except that I did not call the cops.
On one particular day almost just 2 weeks after my delivery he came up with an argument with mom, initially since mom thought that he has misunderstood, so she tried to explain, he did not want to listen. According to me a person who does not listen and try to clarify a doubt, comes up with the intention of arguing and fighting...am I saying it correct?
He was just yelling at mom, I felt bad and I too was trying to convince him.but he did not listen.I told him just give some respect when you speak, as they are our elders...the situation went out of control and he hit me.That incident left me too hurt.
Now the other story, he drinks a peg or 2 almost every day.That particular day he stayed back late night and was with his computer and drinks.Everyone else was sleeping and he came up with another argument with me and when parents heard him shouting they came to stop the fight.He became wild at them too...and when parents saw that he was trying to get physical with me, they tried to resist him and he just pushed all down, one after the other.Parents on the ground.I wanted to call up someone, and he had already disconnected the phone.The phone was disconnected for 2 days.
Now after all this he does not want me to call home and he wants me to leave all ties with my parents.
What should I do?

Priya16 · Jan 8, 2010

LiveLife,

What was life before delivery?How long have you been married?

I know the deliverys goes very bad with parents or in-laws and definitly your husband crossed the line .

But I just wanted to know how was life before your parents and early years just to understand what kind of a person your husband is.

If he is a controlling freak and you need to put stop for it.

At this point,I would like you to go india and take rest for atleast 6 months and recover mentally and physically and think about next steps.

But I am concerned,here I am not sure how many problems again your husband would create for you though.

When he raise hand next time,take a car and go outside and don't come for a while.Keep credit card with you and eat outside,driving license too.I know you will worried for kids but he should know how will be house without you.

Even after this again he hit,tell him you would call cops and you are not going to worry about the job or anything.

Tell that be respect and take respect.

vimala1957 · Jan 9, 2010

Hey, it is so painful that you are facing this. Why should you even wait for your in-law's in put. Such a person cannot change . May be he promises his parents not to do again, but if he continues, what? Do not lose any more time. Leave silently to India, with your daughters , go to your parent's place and take proper care of your health and try to stand on your own legs. You cannot pardon that man for what all he has done to you. Never ever . Just go back and start a new life. That is what I think. If you are not able to go due to any reason by yourself, get some help from parents ,or friends , but silently and intelligently so that he does not know what you are doing. But please do not waste time for getting more hits and mental torture.

I think there is no point in warning him about the cops, he will find other ways out. Whatever you think of doing, do it without letting him know, without warning him so that he does not have time to think of stopping you from anything.

Take care.

love

livelife · Jan 9, 2010

Hi Priya, its 4 years now since we are married.We have had fights in the beginning also, hitting is not new for him.If he gets angry he hits me.And always only tells that I should behave.I dont understand this.I have warned him recently also.My first pregnancy as well he faught with me every now and then, but towards the end of the pregnancy period he used to fight and make me cry most of the time, though he had little control over hitting.
Right after the delivery, just after few days, he made me cry.he was accusing me that I am not good.I am selfish etc etc.I had got hurt so badly and I cried a lot.My first pregnancy I did not have anyone for help too.towards the end I some how had little strength and just replied back as he just does not have any right to abuse me like this.
He was a little better afterwards, though not stopped completely.
I thought that he had changed for better.And now here are the other issues he has started...

Priya16 · Jan 9, 2010

livelife,

These people don't know how to give respect to women and for a wife.
May be just brough up or our culture or personality.

WE can't change the things which happened.I think you should have waited for second baby and find a job and stand on your legs.

How we get insecured with in-laws,these men also get insecured with n-laws visit and they wanted to show there domination in the house when in-laws are around.That's what he did exactly.

So tell him you wanted to physically and mentally heel and your body is very tired and you are afraid you can't take care of kids any more ,so you wanted to go india for 6 months.Then recover fully and see you can find any job here.Beleive me this will help you lot.

Next time if he bring up any cutting ties with your parents,ask him does he cut ties with his parents or does he wanted to cut ties with his kids and also tell no one can tie with blood relation.You can cut ties with wife and husband relation but not blood relation.
Tell him you will not cut off ties with your parents and tell what he wanted do and I am ready for it.

I think he need to start yoga or something and control temper.Was he good at his work.It looks to me he might be geting pissed off somewhere and was showing the frustation in home.Does he has brother or sisters.Tell him if he was not able to handle his current work then look for less stess job.

I think for them it's very easy to show the frustation on wife.Tell next time if you see any sigs of raising hand ,you out of it.

I strongly advise take some break and when you retrun you need to stand up for yourself.