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Is having a second child isolatory for the mother(initially?)

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by naazneen, Aug 28, 2007.

  1. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    Is having a second child isolatory for the mother(initially?). We are at crossroads as to what to do. I have already read the threads posted by mithili and palak regarding having a 2nd child or not, but please bear with me. I was hoping to get more feedback from people who have raised a single child and those who themselves are single children. I also wanted to know why is it that men often say "no" for 2nd children. One cannot completely ignore what they are saying after all, we trust their judgment about our future in terms of finances etc. But from a personal perspective I was wondering if its more isolatory for the mother to have two children (in the US, I guess). If one chooses to be a stay at home mom for the 1st year of the 2nd child and the older child is about 2 yrs old.

    I also wanted a clarification about some points noted in mithili's and palaks thread. Many members stated that their older children complained about being snubbed by peers, cousins because they don't have a sibling. But I was wondering, how does having a younger sibling help the older child? I understand the opposite situation, but not this.

    thanks a ton in advance for reading this.
    ~ Naazneen
     
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  2. swetakiran

    swetakiran New IL'ite

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    hi nazneen,

    i understand ur situation, my hubby was telling one is enough for this generation so we can provide all the comforts, he may be right, but for overall development of a child i feel having second one is good choice. myself i came from big family and my hubby almost was brought up alone because his sis was with their grand ma, he is like always not that attached to the family and very reserved and not soo emotional, whereas me iam thankfull to god that i have been blessed with loving parents and sisters. and besides its u r life u have to make decision about finance your carrer and etc. after a long time iam going for second one and iam already seeing some good changes in my son.in india or in america if u want to work u can always arrange for baby sitting and carry on with your job thats not a problem. all the best.
    regards shweta.
     
  3. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Swetha,
    Thanks for your input. Congratulations! I am very happy for you. ~ N
     
  4. Aabhi

    Aabhi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Nazneen,

    Iam a single child and always use to long for siblings. But thankfully, we come from Joint family and I never had the feeling of being alone. My cousins were my siblings. Whereas my hubby has 3 brothers. I sometimes envy person's who has 2, 3 brothers & sisters. I always wanted to have more children. For me even 3 or 4 would be happy. But, due to my medical problems I am blessed with only one that too after so many treatments and everything. I sincerely trying for 2nd one, but couldn't conceive. But I will not leave my hopes and will keep trying, sure that God will give me.

    Now for your query, why do you need the second child? and how this child would help the elder one. First of all, the elder child should have a companion through out his growing years. From kids point of view, we are adults and we can be their complete companion. They needs atleast their age range. To discuss and share things with others is fun. Moreover, when they grow the distance between the parents & the kid would grow. At that particular time, they would be happy to have someone of their age group to discuss. This is from my own experience. I was a single child, I was pampered so much by my mom. Though, when I was in my Teen age I felt very comfortable chatting & sharing my school / college daily happenings with my cousins other than my mom. I mean there was a gap inbetween. Secondly, the elder child will learn to share, care, love others easily. Which is very important in our lifes.

    Therefore, I truly feel having the 2nd child would balance the family.
     
  5. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Aabhi,
    Thank-you so much for your reply. I appreciate your input as a single child. Because really that is my main worry that having a second child is almost always good for the younger child- after all they have 3 people to love them but I worry that the child you already have may feel a loss of love- as now the parents attention is divided. I hope you are able to conceive again. My pregnancy was difficult too-another reason to think things through. Anyways for sometime now I considered the adoption option(one of my school friends adopted and she has a precious litlle baby girl) but we are stuck in the green card process and cannot adopt until we become citizens. Again thanks a ton for your reply.
    ~ Naazneen
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2007
  6. mythili

    mythili Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Naazneen,
    The first response I want to give to your question is a quote from my dear friend Vidya24's post on how having a younger sibling helps the older child.. I am pasting it here, please read it, re-read it to understand the depth of the point she is trying to make.

    >>>"Now, if I had had a sibling, there is no guaratee that we would have been friends. Or that her/his spouse would have been supportive of my family and our affection. But at the end of the day, all said and done, all fought and sought, I would still have had a sibling to call my own. I also think that over the years I grew up, it would have made me a fuller person. I would have learnt to share at the micro, personal level. I would have learnt what it means to share attention of my parents, their resources. Maybe my sibling would have been better than me in all talents. Maybe my sibling would have been weaker than me in everything. Either way, I would have learnt many survival and social skills with a sibling under the same roof. "

    These lines still echo in my mind whenever I think of this topic and I am ever grateful to Vidya for that.

    Also, Living away from your family members and relatives, children crave for attention from someone other than parents. It was very evident for me while I was in India this time. My son is so attached to my parents, he wanted to be in their company most of the time.

    and Regarding why some men say no for the 2nd child, I think it could be because they are afraid of more responsibilities. The first few years of raising a child is not easy and living without relatives around, men have to take active participation in that. And also there need to be adjustments in expenses/savings to accomodate the new member as well.
    just my thoughts. please dont accuse me for stereotyping men, I did say "some men". :-D
     
  7. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks Mythili,
    yes I know I read Vidya's post then. It was really very nice of her to bring her info to the table. I really read and re-read both yours and palaks thread. Even made my husband read it. Ironically after reading your thread I was like"yes yes must have 2nd child then the next morning I read palaks! again I was confused!! I think I need to think more about if I want this for me. Which is not an easy answer. :bangcomp:
    ~ Naazneen
     
  8. Anandchitra

    Anandchitra IL Hall of Fame

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    I thought i'll add my 2 cents here
    i grew up with a brother and cousins etc. my child is an only he is 13 yrs now growing up in the U.S.
    this was by choice as my husband did not want a second child. for many years almost 7 or so i was worried if everything would be o.k for my son as he did not have a sibling. but then i realised he is fine. what my child needs is a happy family and both parents devoted to him and each other. which is what he has now. my husband and i ar every close to each other which would not have happened if i had a second child. so i am thabkful it worked out this way. dont make too much of an issue but go about keeping a happy and healthy family.
    regards
    anandchitra
     
  9. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Let me put in a few words. Me and my brother we were cats and rats. But now both of us are married and we have our own family to take care of. We share things and we care for each other. Not a day passes without me buzzing him or he buzzing me over the net as we are in different cities. That is the power of siblings. Though the love and affection from our parents were divided between both of us, we have never felt that.

    We still fight over some silly things but still we are good friends. Both our spouses are good and support our family and my brother respects his bil and so my sil respects me as we both are elders to them.
     
  10. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    thanks soo much for your input guys. I really appreciate it!
    God bless every good human relationship be it between siblings or parents and children. A long time ago I had read " a happy marriage is an earlier entry into heaven" .
    ~ naazneen
     

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