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Is Getting Old A Nightmare ???how Scary Is It ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Jul 14, 2018.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Especially to elders and people who are facing the "empty nest syndrome"

    Ok..how scary is it to get old?

    I am asking this xoz for the past one or two years everytime I talk to my . mom in law, she keeps cribbing and lamenting about how lonely they feels alone while we are all settled abroad .secondly,she either burst to tears or i am left in a daze after I end my phone conversation.she keeps saying that we are not including her in the family and keeping her away and afar and it is a nightmare being so lonely.every single time she laments.

    This is gotten like slow poison into my head.My child is only six and already am dreading old age and empty nest syndrome.

    some reasons why I don't want to live with mil..

    1) My mom in law never even lifted a spoon when my kid was born and it was me doing everything and still she found faults.she feels she has done enough for her kids and now it's time to relax.Noone asked for so much help.When a new mother is frazzled,a little help here and there would mean a lot.

    2)she has compared me so much with others,accused my looks,education etc etc and it left a deep scar.Now all of a sudden she wants me to let it go.

    3)she still feels it's her son's home and she has a right.However, I am the one doing the household chores and even if she falls sick,I am the one to help her out when she is in office.what am I then??a house help?

    4) she likes to just sit and give advice and take part in vacations and entertainment.any small help..NO.

    many other things..

    Anyways,I have mentioned before that there are some excruitatingly lonely moments here in USA despite having family nearby and my hubby,kid.I never felt I belong here but due to personal reasons I am here to stay.Plus I cannot be in a group just to feel secure.I dont know if it is right or wrong but I not real but atleast comfortable friendships with whom I can be me.I have been like this always..

    coming back to the topic..to hear my mil cry in every phone session is stressful and she makes me feel guilty.How terrible and scary is old age or being alone?is it a nightmare which cannot be handled?
     
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  2. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987 Are you always worried about everything?
    Also is this post really about growing old or is it a rant about your mother-in-law? :)

    OK - getting to the topic of growing old. Growing old is inevitable. No one is going to escape that.

    I watched the series COSMOS when I was 21 and that series made me realize that life is an illusion in the grand scheme of things. I am nothing but a mixture of Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen with a few other elements thrown in.
    I have no control over my existence.

    I have thought about life after retirement and made plans on how to live, where to live, and am saving money towards helping my children help take care of me and my inevitable old age ailments.

    But scared? ... NO.

    I am not scared about old age, the reason is that I strongly believe in "Bhaja Govindam".
    Que cera, cera (Whatever will be, will be).

    Live this life positively, because that is the only life we have and not waste it by thinking about things that we have no control - such as growing old, and taxes.
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    No it’s not a rant but the truth .I have tried to be very positive this whole year and most threads these days are fine.
    This problem has been going on for two years.I am not able to talk to my mil normally but every time she gets stressed back staying alone in Chennai and says how she suffers etc etc and it gives me some stress.Hence posted.
     
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  4. Tamrakshar

    Tamrakshar Platinum IL'ite

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    "Live this life positively, because that is the only life we have and not waste it by thinking about things that we have no control - such as growing old, and taxes." This is a gem of an advice! I would like to stress on the point which is opposite to this statement. Never neglect the things that are under your control, for example, your own health, your children's education, your family's happiness etc.

    Also, loneliness has nothing to do with old age. In urban areas where joint families are rarities, even a lot of people from the younger generation suffer from this syndrome. Old people, who are healthy and love social interactions, do not suffer from loneliness even if their children live in foreign land. But, when you are ill and not well-off, loneliness can be a curse.
     
  5. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    OK @anika987
    So this is a different issue.

    I thought you were worried about your old age and addressed only that portion of your post.

    Hope your relationship with your mother-in-law becomes smooth soon.
    Best wishes.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
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  6. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    +1
    You have spoken what I left unsaid.
    Thanks @Tamrakshar
     
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  7. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @anika987

    Just want to say that I feel for you. It is not fair for your MIL to make you feel so guilty when she has not been a responsible member of the family when she came to stay with you. The joint family system worked in the yesteryears because family members all played an active role in running the household. Even the oldest members of the family would help with chores in whatever way possible.

    We all have to deal with the challenges (physical and mental ailments) and joys (lesser responsibilities and commitments, time to purse hobbies) of old age - when the time comes.

    I can imagine what you mean though - there was a time when my mother was in a very negative state of mind - so at the end of each phone conversation I would be fully drained because of listening to all the rants and complaints. Now things are fully better - we both have understood how precious our conversations are and dont spend it on the "problems" in life. But in the previous years many-a-conversations would end with intense arguments. My situation was little better - because it was my mother - I could directly tell her that she is viewing everything negatively and that we are actually fortunate in so many ways - and should count our blessings instead of all the minor issues.

    Do try to shield yourself from the negativity. Don't reflect her complaints as pointed-towards-you - you had to take the decision (to not stay with MIL) for your own and your immediate family's sanity.

    All the best.
     
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  8. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    I think, it depends on their personality type.
     
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's true that joint family is breaking up. And our generation should be mentally prepared that our children may not prefer to.stay with us. I'm fully preparing for that when I have kids .My sole focus is to be a good mother and do the best for my kids . But we should not get too emotionally dependent that we have to stay with them in our old age . We should also understand their problems and struggles as young people have lot of responsibility of work and career , finances , child care .
    Instead we should try develop good relationship with our spouse , take up hobbies , maintain touch with our close friends and find higher purpose in life like charity or community work . Old age is a time to relax and let go of unnecessary attachment . The best way to be a good parents is to do for kids without expectation .
    Your mother in law seems depressed . You should introduce her to positive things like voluntary organisations , charity work where she will feel purposeful and happy. It will do a lot for her self esteem to give back to the community . Many times , idleness leads to depression.
     
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  10. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Wow @nakshatra1 In a few simple words, you've captured everything so well: Keep it up.

    Awesome words:

    "Instead we should try develop good relationship with our spouse , take up hobbies , maintain touch with our close friends and find higher purpose in life like charity or community work . Old age is a time to relax and let go of unnecessary attachment . The best way to be a good parents is to do for kids without expectation."
     
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